25 Ways To Tell You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the weather channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8. You go from 130 days vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a T-shirt no longer qualify as dressed up.

10. You're the one calling the police because those $&@*!^# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the entire date, not just the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

22. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

23. 90% of your time in front of the computer is for "real" work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to the bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh shit, what the hell happened?".

BONUS:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. 

Is there something you'd like to add to the list? Perhaps, a moment that made you realize you're all grown up now? 

Wacky Wednesday! - Ping Pong

As a kid, I played a lot of ping pong, usually in the basement of a friend's home or in a cluttered garage. The sport seemed to fizzle over time until a new interest in ping pong emerged when Tom Hanks became a world table tennis champion in the movie, Forest Gump. Now, Anheuser-Bush has plans for taking this sport out of the basement and are putting it where it belongs - in bars across America.

That's right, the brewer has placed 4,600 ping pong tables in local taverns across the country. The Bud Light Hard Bat Ping Pong Tournament may be coming to a bar near you. It's the nostalgia factor their marketers feel that could bring this sport to be the next Texas Hold 'Em. With a cash prize of $100,ooo, no doubt, there will be some interesting play during the national finals that will take place in Las Vegas in late June.

So, dust off your paddles, grab your balls and head down to your local pub to register for one of the regional tournaments. Oh, and while you're there, don't forget to order up a Busch.  Who knows, you could very well be the next table tennis champion of the world.

Quotable: Jack Handey

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

 

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

3. One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

 

4. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

5. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

6. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

7. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

9. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

10. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

11. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

12. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

13. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

14. Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?

15. Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Gone Fishing

Ahhh, it's that time of year again. Time to head to Worms-R-Us, update your gear and head to the lake. My dad had me (and my younger sisters) on the lake fishing at a very young age. We learned rig our poles, bait our own hooks, land 'em, clean 'em and fry 'em up before we were ever given the opportunity to mow the lawn. These are the most memorable days of my childhood - fishing the lakes and rivers of south Arkansas with my dad. And, this is a tradition that we pass from generation-to-generation. My son, as a young boy, was also bit by the fishing bug.  

There was a time when, if I wasn't fishing, I was watching fishing shows on television. Bill Dance was a popular sportsman host in our area, as seen in the video below. Some of these scenes are hilarious and remind me of all the good times I've had fishing. Do yourself a favor, get off your butt and go fishing. It gives you time to yourself in the great outdoors, whether you catch anything or not, you'll be glad you did. 

Hey, the truck is pulling out - I gotta go!

   

Fishing: On The Hook

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?  

The kid says "one".  

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  

The kid says "$101,237.65".  

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"  

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."  

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

Ode To Vince, The Poem

Today is a very special day. It is the birthday of Offer "Vince" Shlomi, Mr. ShamWow. In honor of his birthday, I am participating in the Humor Bloggers' ShamWow Carnival and have written a poem to commemorate this momentous occasion.  Happy birthday to Vince, happy birthday to Vince......

Ode To Vince, The Poem

by The Screaming Me-Me!!!

Everyone everywhere knows of Vince
He’s the one that tries to convince
Each and every household with TVs
That we really must have one of these!

It’s not a towel or a rag you see
It’s a magical cloth from Germany
Soaking up its weight in cola and wine
Look how that counter top begins to shine!

Now, Vince isn’t really much of a looker
He wanted a woman, so he bought a hooker
She bit his tongue, oh what a bloody mess
There was blood, even on the hooker’s dress!

Now Vince sits, I hear he’s doing time
His once golden voice isn’t worth a dime
Don’t dare ask me where, when or how
Who will now sell the magical ShamWow?

Copyright 2009

Click here for more from the HumorBloggers ShamWow Carnival

Laughter For Dummies

Da Old Man and his staff selected me as this week's winner of "Caption This". If you scroll down the right sidebar, you'll notice the glorious trophy, known as the Zucchini Award, I was presented. Please click over to Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars and take a look at the winning caption. While you are there, I'm sure you'll find a dose or two of side-splitting hilarity - you'll be glad you did!

Oh me, oh my.  Lookie what I've found.  A "Book For Dummies" cover generator for you to add to your blog or prank your friends and family.  You, too, can author your own edition by clicking the link below.  Have fun!

Book Cover Generator

Polterbytes, Kids, Love & Marriage

I've really had a time of it this morning with my computer. Seems that I had been attacked by "Polterbytes". Polterbytes is a word coined by my good friend, Bob Gately. You can find the definition listed here in the Urban Dictionary. Anyway, all appears to be back to normal after running three different programs that failed to detect any problems. *shrugs*

So, on with the post. Art Linkletter said it best, "Kids say the darnedest things". The perceptions kids have about love and marriage are funny, but they are really not too far off the mark. 

What do most people do on a date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do". Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

How do you decide who to marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

How would you make a marriage work?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Wacky Wednesday! - Earth Day

Happy Earth Day! 

Okay...whatever, I'm just here doing my part for Mother Earth.  

So, in recognition of Earth Day, these wacky Eco-Bunnies have been called upon to save the Earth Day festivities. 

12 Rules Of Life

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are: 

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right." 

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them. 

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" 

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; It's on loan to us while we're here ...even our kids. 

12. And finally...Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Do you have a "rule of life" you'd like to add to the list?  Please, share.

Takin' Care of Business

Man, was I ever surprised when I opened up the paper yesterday and found that Don over at Beyond Left Field had featured The Screaming Me-Me!!! in The Sunday Suck-Up Times. Wow, what an honor!

Thank you, Don, for your kind review and sharing my little 'ol blog with your readers. I am thrilled!

Well, I must say, there were many interesting submissions for this first edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!. I know the judges really had a tough time deciding. I want to extend my thanks to all of you that participated, I really appreciate the turnout.

According to the Impartial Panel of Three, the winning caption has been selected. May I have the envelope please?

The winner of 500 EC credits and this lovely trophy is............... My Daily List!!! Congratulations!

"It took hours of straining but Zeke finally passed his man-sized turd."

Amazing... Stop... Motion... Animation...

I am always amazed by the level of talent and patience it takes to produce short films such as this one, A Wolf Loves Pork. I first saw this video over at Steven Video and was blown away. Shot using 1,300 photographs, this stop motion animated feature is definitely worth hanging around for. Enjoy!

Don't forget.....you have until midnight to add your caption. Win this lovely trophy and 500 EC credits!

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!

Happy Saturday Everyone!

Today's installment of Me-Me's Playhouse gives you the opportunity to really get those creative juices flowing. Take a look at the picture below and give it your best shot. The winning caption will be announced on Monday - plus the winner will receive 500 EC credits and a gorgeous trophy. Good luck!

Snakes Alive!!!

Qantas Airlines was forced to cancel flights yesterday due to four baby pythons that had escaped on a passenger plane in Australia. Yikes! This is all too familiar with Samuel L. Jackson's movie, Snakes on a Plane.

Granted, the baby pythons were only a half foot long, they did not pose a threat as the pheromone laced snakes in the movie. But, the very thought of these little guys loose on a plane is enough to send shivers up and down my spine. You see, I suffer from snake phobia.

Then why on earth do I live in the middle of the desert where the Western Diamondback Rattler is king? Trust me, I ask myself this question daily especially now when snakes are making their way from their winter dens. I even believe these creatures hold conventions and pass around my picture as "the" perfect victim. They are all out there laying and waiting for me to walk by so they can get their jollies by scaring the shit out of me.

Just who do they think they are? They coil up and strike the classic pose which makes my heart race, gives me tunnel vision and causes me to wet my pants. I won't even walk where grass is any higher than my ankles for fear there is not just one snake, but at least 30. And, they are all waiting there just for me.

Anyway, when I read the news of the lost snakes yesterday, I thought about how these snakes go from eating a small mouse to eventually swallowing a baby hippo. Good googly moogly! Now just where did these snakes go? And, is it so common that snakes are transported by passenger airliners? Well, snakes or no snakes, I'll never fly again.



I rest my case.

Japanese Gong Show

Ah, so. The object of this Japanese game show is to read a quotation as quickly as possible and without any mistakes. Should the contestant fail, he has a price to pay. GONG! Watch carefully as the contestants anticipate their turn.

Wacky Wednesday! High Speed Internet, The Holy Grail

Last Friday afternoon I sat down at my computer to check my email and, lo and behold, I had no Internet service. I checked all my connections, everything appeared to be in order. I picked up the phone and it was dead. Oops, had I paid the bill? Check, the bill had been paid.

I waited a bit, thinking this was just a temporary outage, and tried again. Nope, no service. Around 6 pm I made my way up canyon about five miles to check with my closest neighbor and learned there had been a cable cut. I was reminded of my blogging buddy, dizzblnd over at Soggy Doggy Bloggy, she's a construction customer service rep who handles calls from those looking for underground utilities before they dig. Obviously, in this case, someone forgot to call.

Saturday and Sunday I would just stare at my computer as if I had some type of mind power and the Internet service would miraculosly begin to work. I picked up the phone constantly with hopes of a dial tone. I paced, I wrung my hands, I was King Arthur in search of the Holy Grail.

GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If
 there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR:  Sorry--
GOD:  And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
 "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you
 doing now!?
ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
 depressing.  Now knock it off!
ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
 Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy
 Grail.  Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
 this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
 Holy Grail.
ARTHUR:  A blessing!
LAUNCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD:  God be praised!

Early Monday morning I drove the 45 minutes down the rocky road, passing wild burros and cattle along the way, to the highway where I have cell service to call the small independent phone company that services my area. I was told it was a major cable cut and it would be Tuesday or Wednesday before my service was up and running again. My heart sunk as I thought of all the unanswered emails and my neglected blogs - aarrgghh! It will take me days just to catch up.

Less than an half-hour ago I picked up the phone and, voila!, I have my holy grail - my high speed internet has been restored. Amen.

Easter Bunny Captured!

I know a lot of you will be traveling or receiving guests this weekend. So, in the spirit of the Easter, I wanted to give you a little something to commemorate the holiday in claymation. Here's wishing you all a wonderful weekend! 

Happy Easter!

Revisit: Hunting Near An Active Volcano Is Dangerous

Back by popular demand, ok...so, one of my blogging buddies, Kelly over at Psycho Carnival, asked me to rerun this story I wrote and published last November.  Kelly claims this is one of his personal favorites, I hope you will enjoy it as well.

I was out earlier this week checking the progress of the citrus trees. I am excited by the number of fresh, juicy oranges, lemons and grapefruits that will soon be ripe for the pickin’. While taking inventory, a shot rang out. I ducked! Seconds later, more shots. I hit the ground! Holy shit!

Laying on the ground and biting the dust during shotgun fire is a weird experience. All kinds of things run through your mind – like, when is it safe to stand to a crouch and run like hell for cover. After a few minutes, I bravely headed back up to the house. Half way to the security of hiding in my bathroom with the door locked, another shot rang out. And, it was much closer than the previous shots. I hit the ground…again!

If I could just reach my truck, I would honk the horn to let them know there are people in the general vicinity. I began crawling along the ground like Rambo. Man, am I out of shape! Belly-crawling takes a lot of energy, especially when your heart is already pumping 90-to-nothing. Okay, I…can…make…it. Not to mention, this would be an inopportune time to meet up with, yep, a rattlesnake. I had to put that fear behind me and continue crawling.

I finally made it to the truck, but why in this world did I lock the damn thing? I’m out in the middle of nowhere, last check - zero crime. Just a little further and I’d be in the house. (And, speaking of bathrooms…) I finally reached the door, whew, safe and sound. I grabbed the keys and ran back to the truck as if I were Flo Jo and could outrun the spray of speeding pellets. Adrenaline, obviously, gives me a false sense of my true abilities. What a rush!

Looking like some whacked out cartoon character - dirt on my face and clothing, darting from cactus-to-cactus and then fumbling with the keys - just to honk the horn. I decided to play a little tune rather than laying on it, figuring they’d think someone was in trouble and come running to help. So, I played “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”. I kind of got into it, I was singing along as I beeped. It was a difficult selection to play on the truck-horn, but effective nonetheless.

I did have enough sense about me to know they weren’t shooting at me, I hoped. But, who wants to be in the line of fire? I walked back into the house and checked the Arizona Game and Fish site and discovered it was deer season. (Reminder to self: Print and post hunting schedules to refrigerator.) The landscaping hides the ranch house from all angles, they probably weren’t aware they were so close to anyone’s home. I’m sure they were aware after my tribute to AC/DC.

As I thought more about the hunters, I decided putting signs up along the property line might be a good thing. I wondered what would capture their attention. You know, so they’d be more careful. I went back to the computer and began designing warnings to hunters. Here’s a few I have placed in clear plastic sleeves and posted along the fence:

PRIVATE PROPERTY
KEEP OUT
If You Want To Keep Your Privates

WARNING
Hunting Near An Active
Volcano Is Dangerous!

DANGER
Armed Wildlife
On The Premises

And, my personal favorite…

LISTEN UP!
I Don’t Hunt in Your Front Yard
Don’t You Dare Hunt In Mine!

I can only assume these signs are working, no shots have been fired anywhere near the ranch since their placement. And, if I do here shots again, I already have my next truck-horn song prepared – “Janie’s Got A Gun”. I did hear a truck stop down on the road late this afternoon. It was really quiet and out of the silence came laughter from a couple of guys - the truck then pulled away. I high-fived myself and went about gathering wood for my evening fire. Ahhhh, life here at the ranch is good.

Wacky Wednesday! - The Comb Over

Last time we talked about "hair don'ts", we featured the Mullet. Today, we are exploring the amazing Comb Over. 

A comb over or combover is a hairstyle worn by bald or balding men in which the hair on one side of the head is grown long and then combed over the bald area to minimize the display of baldness. 

Okay, we've all seen them. We've gawked, we've snickered and we've even felt sorry for these men. What you may not know about this style for men (and women) in denial is this "hair don't" has actually received a patent. 

   

A variation of the Comb Over (whereby baldness is concealed by long hairs combed in three separate directions) has a U.S. Patent 4,022,227 by Donald J. Smith and his father, Frank J. Smith, of Orlando, Florida, who were awarded an Ig Nobel Prize in Engineering for their effort.

Such is the interest in this hairstyle that a one-hour documentary – Comb Over - the Movie – has been made about it.

Come On Down To South Park

...and meet some friends of mine.

Introducing Casey Dilla

This is my South Park character, Casey Dilla.  Casey is currently enjoying the beaches in Mexico during Spring Break and will soon make her way back to the mountains of Colorado to rejoin Kyle, Stan, Cartman and the others.  Why don't you come on down to South Park and create your very own character.  You will be given the choice of over 10,000 body parts, accessories, animals and backgrounds from SP-Studio. 

Having A Bad Day?

This letter is from a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana.  He writes his sister to share his unfortunate experience at the office.  Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter…..true story.

Dear Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit.  This time of year the water is quite cool. So, what we do to keep warm is this.

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. 

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  My suit and gear were tied to the bell.  When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you're having a bad day at the office, think of me.  Think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian