That Was The Year That Was

Another year, another decade.

Yesterday and today, the internet is full of lists. Lists which remind of us, if nothing else, what we have missed in the past 365 days. I have reviewed a couple of these lists and have determined I've been living under a rock.

Take the Top Ten songs of 2009 for example, there is not one single artist on the list that I make it a point to listen to. In fact, there were only four artist that I have even heard of. Here's the list according to the AOL Radio Blog.

10. Jason Derulo: Whacha Say
9. Owl City: Fireflies
8. Flo Rida: Right Round
7. Kelly Clarkson: My Life Would Suck Without You
6. Kings of Leon: Use Somebody
5. Black-Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling
4. Lady GaGa: Poker Face
3. Iyaz: Replay
2. Jay Sean: Down
1. Taylor Swift: You Belong With Me

With the exception of Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, Black Eyed Peas and Kelly Clarkson, I ask, who are these people? How can they have a song in the Top Ten? Not only have I never heard their Top Ten hit, I've never heard of them at all. Out of the four I have at least heard of, there are only two where I have actually heard their mega-hit.

The same applies to the Top Ten movies of 2009. I've seen three of the 10.

I guess I'm just not as hip as I once was.

I did happen, however, to post the top video of 2009 here last February. Must be a fluke. The clever stop motion video, Her Morning Elegance, features an animated woman in bed who appears to be flying, falling and swimming. The music is by Oren Lavie, it's a catchy tune.

I found this yesterday, a spoof of this top video. Hey, I know you are busy, you've got places to go and things to do but, this will take less than 2 minutes of your day - less than 2 minutes.

Just push "play".



Happy New Year!!!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 25

Howdy all! This week's winner of Caption This! not only will have the doobie-ous honor of being the first winner of the new year, but of a new decade as well. Taa-dah! So, I want you to give this special edition your best shot.

Take a look at the photo, enter your captions and return here on Saturday when The Impartial Panel of Three hands down their decision for the new year. The winner, of course, takes home The Golden Phallus, the coveted trophy that tells the world you are one creative bad ass.



And, if you really like captioning, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Z

Z is for Zorilla
What the hell is that?
Well, his fur could be used
To trim Santa's hat


Yippee! I made it! Well, with the exception of "W" that is. I still can't figure out how I managed to skip that letter. I swear I sang the alphabet each an every morning just so I would know where I was in this stupid-ass series which is now finally o-v-e-r! Thanks again, Dufus!

Today's post is a re-post from October 2008 when I was living out at the ranch and some of the critters, similar to the zorilla, I would encounter. This is my version of Wild Kingdom. Look, there are pictures!

Call Me Ellie Mae!

Critters! I've got critters! Here at the ranch there are all kinds of critters. And, being in the desert southwest, most are unique to this part of the country. Since I have to co-exist with these animals, needless to say, I’m cautious and give them lots of respect and plenty of distance.

There are javelina, which can be quite nasty. Reports of people being seriously injured and killed by large groups of javelina run through my mind as a little herd moves through the ranch in the early morning. I sit on the porch swing and watch them graze on cacti and fruit that has fallen from the trees. They "clack" their tusks when danger approaches. I'm not sure what danger lurks, but the "clacking" always precedes a hurried exit into the nearby thickets. I now avoid that area near the thickets.

My first night here was spent lying in bed with my eyes wide open and the sheet pulled tight up under my chin. I wandered what in the hell it was that kept running along the upper deck - all night long! I finally got a glimpse of "it" the next evening. This creature had a long black and white tail and, of all things, very large purple eyes. What kind of hell-cat monster is this? Google reassured me. It's a ringtailcat, not to be confused with the cotamundi, a member of the raccoon family. They eat fruits, berries, lizards and mice. Apparently, they are easily tamed, make affectionate pets and are great mousers. Okay, he can stay.

And, speaking of cats, there's the cougar or mountain lion. I haven't seen one here - yet. So, I've brushed up on my cougar safety. One expert said "playing dead" is not recommended. Another stated, "don't run". "They" tell you to face the cougar, keep direct eye contact and retreat slowly, backwards. You should also try to appear larger than life by waving your arms and make a lot of noise by yelling at the lion. To me, this says, "Here I am, come and get me". Then, to top it all off, not to mention really pissing the big cat off, "they" tell you to throw rocks at the lion. Uh, huh.

Reptiles! I discussed my loathing for rattlesnakes in a previous post. But, the gila monster is a deadly lizard. Their venom is as toxic as the rattler. Yes, I've seen one and it was beautiful. The good news is, I could probably out run it - even with my bad knees. And, I won't have to yell or throw rocks at it. They feed primarily on bird and reptile eggs and only feed 5-10 times a year. Guess I'll need to gila-monster-proof the chicken coop.

It's a wildlife paradise out here at the ranch. Lots of deer, rabbits, birds of prey, badgers and even a occasional bear sighting. All only add to the wonderment of this desert oasis. I have a great pair of binoculars and hope most of my encounters are only from the front porch swing. Move over Ellie Mae!

Join me tomorrow for the New Year edition of Caption This!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Y

Y is for YouTube
Ain't it dandy
When you have blogger's block
It sure comes in handy


Yeah, you guessed it. I've got the Christmas blahs, I just can't think. So, here's a little something from YouTube that will hopefully pull me through with a little style and grace.

Sing along and enjoy!



A TOUCH OF GREY
The Grateful Dead

Must be getting early
Clocks are running late
Paint by Number morning sky
Looks so phony

Dawn is breaking everywhere
Light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains, I don't care
'Cause it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

I see you've got your fist out
Say your piece and get out
Yes I got the gist of it
But it's all right

Sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a
Touch of grey

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

It's a lesson to me
The Ables and the Bakers and the C's
The ABC's we all must face
To try to keep a little grace

It's a lesson to me
The Deltas and the East and the Freeze
The ABC's we all think of
To try to win a little love

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
But it's all right

Cow is giving kerosene
Kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene
But it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

The shoe is on the hand it fits
There's really nothing much to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit
'Cause it's all right

Oh well, a touch of grey
Kind of suits you anyway
That was all I had to say
And it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

We will get by
We will get by
We will get by
We will survive

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - X

X is for X-rated
A photo so scary
Yikes, look at her face
Man, is it ever hairy


Greetings everyone! So sorry I didn't get to this yesterday, but I was away celebrating the season with my family. A good time was had by all.

Thank you all for playing Caption This! The Panel had reached their decision. But, before we get to the winner, we have a few most-honorable mentions.

Quirkyloon said:
I know what boys want, I know what boys like. I know what boys want. Boys want. Boys want me!

moooooog said:
...and that's the day I started knocking when dad was in the bathroom.

Nooter said:
omg! what not to do with photoshop.

This week's winner...drum roll please... is Ann from Snap, Edit, Scrap. She was right on with her caption and takes home The Golden Phallus, congratulations! Please click over and visit Ann today, she is one crafty lady.

Now, for the winning caption.....

And THIS men, is why you should always stop at ONE drink.

I hope to see you all again this Wednesday for a special New Year edition of Caption This!

UPDATE: Apparently, I've had one too many Bailey's and coffee this morning, I totally skipped "W" in the ABC's series. *hic* Excuse me.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - V

V is for Vixen
A Christmas dear so fine
To Caption This! photo
You need just one clever line


Okay, alright! I screwed up. There, I admit it. This past Saturday when the winner was announced for last week's Caption This!, I mistakenly said this was the last winner in 2009. It is, in fact, this week's contest winner that will be the last in 2009. Excuse me!

Now, that's out of the way, I really had a terrible time deciding which photo I would use this week. I was torn between two photos that truly relate to today's featured letter plus, not to mention, my attempt at being clever for the 23rd-fucking-day in a row for this ongoing Fractured ABC's of Christmas series. What in the hell was I thinking? Oh, yeah, now I remember - Dufus!

Soooooo, here's the first photo I was considering for Caption This! until I realized that moooooog would have been all over this, literally!


Now, that's some Vixen, huh guys? It appears she might be pulling something for Santa other than his sleigh, those antlers are definitely a tell-tail sign. But, really, how much can you say about a chick with fake boobs and legs up to her neck giving you that come hither look? By the way, you can see more of Vixen and the rest of Santa's helpers at Yandy.com. You're welcome. Next.

Soooooo, I have decided that the next photo is absolutely perfect for wrapping up the year. By now, you should all know the frickin' rules. Study the photo, think about it, then enter your caption in the comments below. Oh, and be sure to enter often...fa-la-la-la-la.

The lucky winner takes home The Golden Phallus and will be announced here Saturday which, coincidentally, ends this stupid-ass ABC's series Dufus challenged me to. Okay, maybe he didn't really challenge me....but, like a junkie searching for a fix, I was desperate to keep him from scooping me just because of some lousy time zone law!

End of rant.

Scroll on down for this week's photo.





Taaa-dahhh!


If you really like captioning, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow. And, please don't forget to pop on over to the Humor Bloggers 2nd Annual Christmas Carnival. Oh, and just one more plug - please vote for me over at Humor-Blogs, I need just 10 votes to recapture the numero uno position....thanks. You may leave now.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - U

U is for United
For friendships that always last
Here's the exciting conclusion
Of my white Christmas past



Alaskan Christmas, Part II

Just in case you missed Part I, read it here.

The moose was slowly beginning to make her way closer to me. I could tell by the way she would turn and toss her head exactly what she was thinking, "You stupid people from the lower 48 come up here thinking you can conquer the wilds of Alaska, I've seen your type before, idiots". Just when I thought it would be a good idea for me to start walking back to my friend's home, I could hear the sound of a couple of snowmobiles. Here comes the cavalry. Yea, I'm rescued!

I waited patiently as the sound drew closer. In the distant, I could see two snowmobiles. Great, it must be the kids! I began moving around as much as I could, without threatening the moose, so they would see me just to the side of the trail. I began jumping up and down, waving my arms and whistling to capture their attention. As they approached me, it wasn't the kids at all. Who are these guys? Uh, oh!

These two guys pulled their snowmobiles along side of me. Oh.my.god! It's Jeremiah Johnson and Zachary Bass, a couple real mountain men. They were both wearing a whole fox's fur on their heads. The face of the fox seemed to rest on top while the body, hind legs and the tail ran the length of their backs and the front legs tied just under their chins. Whoa. They were both draped in one kind of animal fur or another and were they ever burly. This could be interesting. I hoped that they had not seen the movie Deliverance. Yikes!

I quickly explained my situation and asked for help. One of the men reached into a compartment and took out a rope. Oh.my.god! They have seen Deliverance. The one with the rope kept eying me as he coiled the rope around his hand. In my quick thinking, I pointed out the moose and her calf. The other one began yelling and waving his arms. "I've already tried that, it's not going to work." No quicker than those words left my mouth, the moose and her calf disappeared over the hill. Gulp. Great, now for my next stall..., "Where are you guys from?". I know, there really are stupid questions. Doh!

The guy with the rope then started up his snowmobile and rode it over to where mine was stuck in the snowbank. The other guy stayed behind with me. He was looking me up and down as he told me they were trappers and lived in the Bush. I'm sure I looked really attractive in my get-up. "Oh, I said, "so, you are bushmen, cool." He then proceeded to tell me how they make a 2-3 hour trip each week for supplies. Then he asked me the question of all questions, "Are you married?". I don't know if I was scared shitless or just so flippin' cold; regardless, I could not answer. Now, for the next question, "How would you like to spend the rest of the winter with us? We've got plenty of whiskey and books." Books? Oh. my. god! They are literate. Yippeee, good times ahead!

As I was declining the offer as politely as I could, here comes the other guy pulling my snowmobile behind his. He handed me the rope after he untied it and told me untie from my end. Yes, sir! I handed the rope back and then came a long uncomfortable stare from his squinted, blood-shot eyes. "Well", I said, "thanks for the rescue, I've got to get back to my family". I hopped on board and rode away without looking back. Creepy!

When I arrived back at my friends' place, they were nonchalant about my return. Oh good, I can keep this story to myself. At least, I thought I could. You see, two nights later was Christmas eve and we were going to a native Alaskan party. I had already been warned not to spread the seal oil over my food because it's really an acquired taste. Truthfully, it's just plain rancid. Also, I was not to worry if I don't want to participate in the sweat lodge and rolling in the snow naked ceremony, no one will take offense. Man, what a life!

We were all greeted warmly, the couple hosting the affair seemed very nice. Although, I did notice several guys wearing those same fox hats. Chills ran up my spine. I was chatting with a couple who were originally from California when in walked my two rescuers. I would peak over my shoulder from time-to-time with hopes they would not recognize me. Too late. Their story of how they had helped a damsel in distress had turned all eyes toward me. While everyone was pointing and laughing, I had the sudden urge to pee, I made my way outside to the bathroom. On the way, my friends looked at me with great concern, I tried to convince them it was really not that bad. Yeah, right!

The next several days I spent learning more about the way of life in Alaska. It's truly a place for independent and adventurous souls. My Alaskan holiday is definitely a memorable one and I am grateful for my time there. When my friends took me to the airport they presented me with a beautifully wrapped gift. The kids insisted that I open it before boarding. I unwrapped the box and found a stuffed moose. A stuffed-toy moose, my reminder of the white Christmas I spent away from the desert. You know, I think I'm heading to Iceland the next time I get a hankering for a white Christmas. Are there any moose in Iceland?!?

The End.

Now, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com and join the rest of the cast as we celebrate the Christmas Humor Carnival.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - T

T is for Tundra
A place cold and bare
Only ice and snow
And a few reindeer there


Alaskan Christmas, Part I

Many years ago, after tiring of Christmas in the desert, I decided to spend my holiday vacation in Alaska. I know this may sound extreme, but I wanted a white Christmas and this was a place I knew I'd be guaranteed snow.

I arrived in Anchorage and soon boarded a 12-seat plane to fly out to the Kenai peninsula. While making this short flight, I noticed how heavy it was snowing. Yahoooo, I was so excited! What I didn't know was that we would be landing on black ice and these smaller planes have a tendency to slide upon landing - sideways. Holy crap!

I was greeted at the airport by my friends and their 6 children. They were very excited to see me because I had promised to bring them something they get very little of in Alaska, citrus. Now, when I opened the box at their home, they did something I found really unusual. They each took an orange, held it in their little hands and began smelling it. After a few minutes of this, I gave their mother the "I don't get it" look and she explained that by the time citrus reaches the stores up there, citrus is dry, bland and has no fragrance. It was like I had brought them the Holy Grail. Wow!

After a day or so of acclimating to the environment, I took my first snowmobile lesson. I thought, "How difficult can this be?". I can ride a motorcycle, I can ride a quad, this will be a piece of cake. I was handed a refrigerator suit, a pair of insulated rubber boots and a pair of thick heavy gloves by my host. Good grief, after suiting up, I felt and looked like the Michelan Man. So, the instructions were fairly simple: here's the throttle, here's the brake and stay on the hard-packed trails. Off I went!

I wasn't worried about finding my way around, I'm a pretty good scout. One thing the folks up there told me was, "The animals are wild, you can not pet them". "Stay away, stay far, far away from the moose, especially if they have a calf with them." Check, got it. Here I go. Wow, I'm in Alaska, look at all this snow. Yippppeeee!

I'm as free as a bird riding through the Alaskan wilderness. Wait, what's that up ahead? It's a moose and her calf on the trail. Panic! I then decided to go around them - far, far around them, but this would require me to leave the trail. I convinced myself that I could make it without any problems. Here I go! This is not so bad, I'll just climb this small hill and I'm out of harm's way. Up and over...nope, the skids of the snowmobile became stuck in a snowbank. Where is reverse? Uh, oh!

Here I am, in the middle of nowhere stuck in the snow about 50 yards from a moose and her calf. Now what? I froze, literally. I sat there for about 20 minutes with hopes the kids would come looking for me. Nope, no one in sight. Okay, I'll attempt to push or pull this thing out of this snowbank. As I stepped off the snowmobile, I immediately went into the snow crotch deep. Great, now both the snowmobile and I were stuck. I managed to pull one leg out, laid on my back, then pulled the other leg out. Then, of all things, I rolled to the hard-packed trail. I was then able to stand without any problems. Whew!

I kept looking between the lodged snowmobile and the moose. I found a tree to hide behind and kept yelling at the moose, "Go on now, there's nothing more to see here!", she didn't budge. I had to adjust my eyes, is she moving closer? Oh.my.god! I am going to be trampled by a moose in the Alaskan wilderness - alone, no one within earshot.

End, Part I

Join me tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. In the meantime, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com and join the rest of the cast as we celebrate the Christmas Humor Carnival.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - S

S is for Sinatra
And other crooners too
Bringing the sounds of the season
With a jazzy beat to you


Although I'm a rocker at heart, there are those singers from my parents' generation that have also played a huge part in my musical influence. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Tony Bennett are definitely at the top of my list. As you continue you make your rounds today, I thought I'd give you some of the more traditional sounds of the season to fill your day.

Merry Jazzy Christmas!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - R

R is for Rainbow
Even on Christmas day
A man wearing this sweater
Is probably gay


I just realized that today's winner will be the last winner of Caption This! 2009. Wow, what a year of great captioning by everyone. Thank you all for playing each week. I hope you will continue this tradition by continuing to play during 2010. (Sorry, isn't that redundant?)

The Impartial Panel of Three has made their decision. The Panel has asked me to give the following players a most-honorable mention.....

nonamedufus said:
Jesse's excuse was that he was drug free. But Bobby had no excuse for wearing that sweater.

Freak Smack said:
30 seconds after this photo was taken Bobby shanked Chris for making him look queer.

Don said:
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a man and his bitch!

Leeuna said:
If you see my friend wandering around lost, please dial the number listed on his face and I'll come get him.

During 2009, this caption became a repeated theme...
Knucklehead said:
Hi, we're the Dyer Boys!
Yeah, okay, I guess you had to have been there.

Now, on with the show...

Today's winning author is rather new to captioning has outdone all the rest and will take home The Golden Phallus. Give a big "hooray" to adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma. Her blog is full of humor and snarcasms, be sure to pop over and give her blog a read. And, while you are there, "Follow".

Congratulations!

The moment you've all been waiting for, the winning caption!

Our first Christmas after being released from prison
....a love story.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Q

Q is for Quirky
She's crazy as loon
Partying with zombies
Under a full moon



Yes, I'm talking about my little bloggin' buddy and zombie lovin', Quirkyloon. For those of you that don't currently follow Quirky, you are really missing out on the hilarity she posts each and everyday. So, today I thought I'd give you a taste (nom, nom, nom) by re-posting from the Quirky archives. Please be sure to click over and give Quirkyloon a big "Howdy" and a "Follow".


TOP TEN REASONS
Why I should stop blogging.

10. I've stopped cooking dinners, because I'd rather be checking for the twentieth time if anybody has commented on my latest blog post.

9. I don't answer phone calls from friends because they are interrupting my quantity online time.

8. I've canceled doctors appointments because I had blogger's block and had to stay home until I could come up with something to write.

7. Because of non responsiveness on my part, my sons have stopped calling me, "Mom," they now address me as "Quirkyloon."

6. My eyes have that constant glazed over look from over-exposure to the computer monitor light.

5. I'm starting to panic that I'm not Stumble worthy.

4.I haven't bathed before 2:00pm each day since May 2008 (the birth date of this blog).

3. I walk around with my fingers in the "ready to type" configuration (asdf jkl;) with fingers slightly curved.

2. I've started developing urinary tract infections from not relieving my bladder regularly, because I have to hold it in to read just one more blog.

1. Blogger spread: the physical effect of the butt and hips expanding due to excessive hours sitting in the chair spent blogging.

As stated before these are the reasons I should stop blogging, but I won't. Why?

I can't sleep, I can't eat
There's no doubt, I'm in deep
My throat is tight, I can't breathe
Another blog is all I need
Whoa, I'd like to think that I'm immune to the blog,
Oh yeah
Its closer to the truth to say I can't get enough,
You know I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to blog.
(Robert Palmer, "Addicted to Love," edited by Quirkyloon)

Who said all addictions are a bad thing? Certainly, not me!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - P

P is for Pinata
Filled with candy and toys
The perfect party game
For all good girls and boys

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - O

O is for Offbeat
What can one say
About these guys
Posing on Christmas day


It's time once again to play Caption This! Please study the photo below and enter your best caption for a chance to win The Golden Phallus. Be sure to enter often and return here on Saturday when The Impartial Panel of Three announces the winner. Good luck!


For more captioning fun, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - N

N is for Nooter
With a wagging tail and four paws
His dog house is trimmed and lighted
As he anxiously waits for Santa Claus



Today's letter is dedicated to all of our furry four-legged friends. This suggestion is brought to you by Nooter the Dog. Nooter writes a blog where in his last episode he is trying to escape from his human. Why? Because the human is wanting to dress up Nooter for the annual holiday photo. Click on over to read more.

A recent poll shows that 52% of pet owners plan to buy their pet a holiday gift this year. There are the usual gifts such as a new collar and leash, doggie treats, balls and butcher's bones. Some pet owners will even purchase clothing to dress their pets on Christmas day. Most pets, like Nooter, do have issues with wearing clothing, I don't blame them. I think its hilarious to see the look on their faces, its almost like they are disgusted or embarrassed to be wearing a silly, festive frock.

Take a look.....

See what I mean? Elvis is a highly trained guard dog. He is macho. But, now that he's donning this elf costume, he just looks plain silly. You have challenged his ability to protect your home and family. Besides that, even a dog shouldn't be forced to wear horizontal stripes.


Now, I ask you, does this Christmas kitty look happy? No she doesn't, she is pissed! I imagine she is de-clawsed (pun intended). At least I hope she is or you'll be spending Christmas morning with a bottle of peroxide and a tube of antibiotic ointment. Don't you think she kind of resembles Winston Churchill? Sour puss.


Okay, a goat in the house dressed as Santa. Good, lord! You have to wonder, what in the hell is this goat thinking? I tell you what he's thinking. He's thinking you are a cheap bastard because your Christmas tree is an artificial one. C'mon, after all you'll buy your goat a Santa costume, couldn't you spring for a real tree too?


I'm not sure what these things are - toads or lizards? Regardless, nothing says Merry Christmas like dressing your reptile for the holidays. Can you imagine the look on Grandma's face as she reaches under the tree and finds these things? Holy crap! Did anyone remember to buy Grandma her Depends?

I put a red bandanna on my dog once, he didn't like it at all. He rolled around and shook with all his might until I removed it. I bought him boots once, I didn't know a 135 pound Akita could dance until I attempted to place them on his paws. I even bought him blinking reindeer antlers, he chewed them up. My dog, like Nooter, just isn't the pet-dressing type, he prefers to be al la natural.

Okay, I realize there are those of you that do dress your pets and, actually, I'd love to see their pictures - please provide a link in the comments or send them to me via email (memeking2000@yahoo.com) and I'll share them here later during this series of Fractured ABC's. I promise I won't make fun of them.....too much.

By the way, I want to thank those who have taken the time to vote for me over at Humor-Blogs. Dufus pointed out to me yesterday that my blog had reached the number one position! Wooo-hooo!!! If you'll look in the sidebar under Vote for the Screaming Me-Me, you'll notice the small banner with the number one in it. Got an extra 5 seconds? Then vote. Thank you very much!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - M

M is for Mistletoe
Standing under here, folks take the cue
Here comes the guy with herpes
Now, what will you do?


Are you attending an office holiday party and getting stressed out about it? Are you not sure how you're supposed to act, or what is expected of you at these events? Don't fret, here are a few tips to help you enjoy yourself.

1. Location - Hold your party at a venue that is comfortable and appropriate for everyone. Sorry guys, Hooters is definitely out.

2. Dress Code - Consult with your co-workers before hand. You don't want to be the only one wearing an elf sweater and earrings with blinking Rudolph noses when everyone else is in sleek suits.

3. Don't Drink Too Much - Even small quantities of booze can loosen inhibitions and lead you to do things you'll wish you hadn't, like Xeroxing your butt. You really don't want copies posted in every cubicle the next day.

What is your best advice when attending a holiday office party?

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - L

L is for Laughing
O'er the fields we go
Look, here comes Santa
With his big ho, ho-ho



Wow, we had quite a few new players this week for Caption This! Thank you all for playing, we really had some awesome submissions. The Impartial Panel of Three have handed me their decision. But, before we get to the winning caption, we have several captions worthy of a most-honorable mention.

moooooog said:
Ed was sad about his dead friend, but like a real trooper, he tried to keep his chins up.

Ann said:
After getting rid of his little brother, Tim was finally the favorite son.

MikeWJ said:
I see dead people. And donuts. Mostly donuts, in fact. But sometimes, dead people, too.

C: said:
I told him, "Touch my fries again and you'll be sorry," I said. But he wouldn't listen. Not touching my fries now, huh?

Crabby Blogging Lady said:
"IT WORKED." Muahahahah!!

The Old Silly said:
Yeah. It was me, I farted.

This week's winning author is no stranger to Caption This! In fact, this is the second time he takes home The Golden Phallus. Put your hands together and give a big round of applause to.....Knucklehead! If you are not already a follower of Knucklehead's blog, you really must pop over, he's an awesome story-teller. Congratulations!

Now, the winning caption....

Five seconds later, with his shorts full of poop,
Walt realizedhe'd once again fallen for his brother Dave's
"Betcha thought I was dead" trick.

Thank you all again for playing, see you again Wednesday!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - K

K is for Kitchen
Oh, what yummy treats
For this holiday season
You must try these sweets

Yesterday I received a package in the mail. I was so excited! I opened it hurriedly to find a selection of wonderful holiday treats. Bourbon balls, cookies and fudge. I set them all before me. I swear, it was like Christmas morning, I just couldn't decide which to sample first.

The package was from the kitchen of a bloggin' buddy, Jen over at Redhead Ranting, who had asked me to try her treats and write a little review if I liked them. Like them? Oh. my. god. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to testify!

Bourbon Balls - Coated with sugary goodness, chocked full of nuts and a hint of bourbon. As I took my first bite, I do believe I mmmmm'ed out loud. Delicious!

Christmas Cookies - Sugar cookies sprinkled with red and green. These are truly yummy cookies cut in holiday shapes and sprinkled with the colors of the season. Another hit!

Fudge - Creamy, chocolate and nutty. This fudge is absolutely perfect! This has to be my favorite, hands down. Orgasmic!

You, too, can have these awesome treats delivered right to your door or to the door of a friend or family member. And, what a great gift, if you are participating in Secret Santa or a cookie exchange at work you'll definitely be appreciated by giving such a delicious gift .

To get the full run down of options (with or without nuts), click here. Jen makes it very easy for you to order using PayPal.

Now, excuse me while I finish my last bite of fudge...mmmmmmmm.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - J

J is for Jet
A super way to travel
What? No landing gear?
Your nerves begin to unravel


This is a true story. Hold on to your seats!

There was a time in my life where it wasn't uncommon for me to fly 10,000 miles each month. I was based in Washington, DC and flew in and out of DC National. I had been on assignment in Chicago for several months and, as the holidays approached, it was time for me to fly back home for a week's vacation.

Having been in so many airports across the country, I had become accustomed to the routine of arriving ahead of time, checking my luggage and equipment, then making my way to the bar for a cocktail or two as I waited for my flight to be called. Gin and tonic was my designated libation before flying. You know, there's something about a buzz at 35,000 feet. Yeee-hah! Anyway, on this particular day, all was going according to the routine I had followed so many times before.

The flight between Chicago and DC, as usual, was uneventful. As the jet began its descent, everyone buckled their seat belts and returned their seats to the upright position. It's really cool flying over DC, you can see all the monuments and government buildings. You definitely get a different perspective from up above.

As we approached the runway, all was well. Then, at an altitude of about 500 feet over the runway, the jet took a hard vertical climb. What the hell is going on here? There was a gasp that made its way throughout the cabin. As we began to level out, I could see we were leaving the area. As I looked out the window, I could see we were approaching Baltimore-Washington International. Okay, maybe we are landing there for some reason, hmmm. At this point I was calm. It wasn't too unusual that a plane is re-routed due to weather conditions. Did I mention is was snowing?

It was then the captain made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain, we are experiencing technical difficulties, we apologize for the delay in landing today. Apparently, our landing gear has failed. We are going to check the manual to attempt to correct this problem". What the fuck?!? No landing gear? You need to check the manual? Oh, god!

The plane then circled back over DC National and I could see emergency vehicles lining the runway. The gentleman sitting next to me was very understanding when I buried my face in his chest and snotted all over his tie, "We're gonna die!". He gently pushed me back to an upright position and assured me that, even though we may have to land on foam, we'd be okay - provided we don't skid into the Potomac River. Oh, god!!

The things that run through your mind when you are facing death - nope, I won't be embarrassed by my underwear in case I have to be rescued. As we passed the airport for the third time, the captain came back on and announced the tower had confirmed that the landing gear was down and in locked position. But, how does the tower know the landing gear is locked? It could very well collapse when we hit the ground and then we'll be swimming our way to safety through the ice and snow, if we live through this. Oh, god!!!

As the plane finally approached the runway, I got religion. I closed my eyes and held my breath as I repeated the "Our Father" over-and-over again. Was the plane breaking apart? Had we hit the river? No, it was just all that jet brake commotion. The next thing I knew, the man next to me was prying my fingers from the arms of the seat telling me we were on the ground safely. I looked out the window and all I could see was white. "Is this heaven?", I asked. "Depends", he replied. "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - I

Hello everyone. I do apologize for not being around much yesterday, it was just one of those days. That being said, it's on with the show.

The subject for today's letter is brought to you by Toler over at My Virtual Attic. If you have a suggestion for The Fractured ABC's of Christmas, please leave them in the comments.


I is for In-Laws
Whose extended stays
Are just perfect
For ruining your holidays




Now it's time for Caption This! You know the rules. List your captions in the comments below and be sure to enter often. The Panel will announce the winning caption here on Saturday. Good luck!



Love captioning? Then stop over at nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom , plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - H

H is for Holly
It's colors green and red
Please don't eat the berries
Or you'll find yourself dead


Man-0-man. Have you seen the neighbors' house this season? What are they thinking? I mean, really. Trying to out do one another has become such a challenge it borders on the ridiculous.

I remember a simpler time when a wreath on the door and a strand of lights across the front of the house was a big damn deal. And, of course, the decorated Christmas tree that shone brightly through the front window. Not anymore. No more boughs of holly on the banister or mistletoe hanging from a light fixture - that just won't cut it anymore.

Now, it's go big or go home, baby!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - G

G is for Goat
A tale from Christmas past
Revenge can be sweet
But good friends always last



A Turkey, A Goat And Revenge

My dad has had the same best friend since high school. From the simple to the extreme, they have always played practical jokes on one another. As their children aged, we often were part of their mischievous endeavors.

One year, near Christmas, we received a rather large package delivered by a local courier. This beautifully gift wrapped box was about the size of a large television. Even though the tag said, “To the family of”, we waited for our dad to return home from his office before opening. As soon as Daddy arrived, we gathered around. He took out his pocket knife and slowly began to the box. Hurry up already! Just as he removed the last of the tape, out jumped a live turkey.

This was not a domesticated turkey – it was wild! The turkey began running around the house and eventually entered the den with the vaulted ceiling. Daddy ran to the garage and retrieved his bass fishing net. Chasing this wild bird became quite the ordeal. We were all scrambling. We finally had it cornered and just as Daddy was about to net this beast – it took flight.

The focal point in the den was an antique armoire that stood about eight feet high. This beautiful piece of furniture had been in my mom’s family for generations and was shipped from Ireland along with other family heirlooms. The front of the armoire was burled maple – truly a magnificent piece of craftsmanship.

Wouldn't you know, the turkey clawed its way up the front of the armoire, finally resting on top. Needless to say, Mother was horrified. Not to cause any further damage, Daddy decided to let it roost there until it fell asleep – then he could capture it. The phone rang and we could hear him talking with “Uncle” Ed. There was laughter and a promise of a return surprise. My sisters and I looked at one another and knew it was game on.

The next morning at 4:00 am Daddy wakes me and tells me to get ready to go out to the farm. Our farm was 12 miles from town where we raised cattle, kept our horses and other assorted farm animals – including goats. As we made the drive, he told me of his plan. I thought he might be taking things a bit too far.

We pulled through the gate and took one of the goats and placed it securely in the back of his truck. Daddy went into the tack room and returned with a burlap bag. I didn’t ask what was in the bag; I knew better. On the drive back into town, he gave me my instructions – okay, now I’m an accomplice to his madness.

We arrived at Ed’s around 5:30. Daddy took a spike and drove it into the center of Ed’s freshly planted winter lawn. We then took a dog collar and placed it around the goat’s neck. A 10 foot chain was attached to the spike and, at the other end, a snap hook was then attached to the goat’s collar. Daddy then used Ed’s hose to fill a bucket of water for the goat. We hopped back into to the truck and sped off. He was like some crazy maniac laughing all the way back to the house.

We waited for the phone call from Ed to come and get the goat; but, a couple of hours had passed and Daddy could not leave well enough alone. He talked me into to driving by Ed’s in my car. I agreed and waited in the car. After a few minutes, here comes Daddy wearing Mother’s blonde wig and a large pair of sunglasses. What a disguise! Oh.my.god, he has lost his mind.

We drove by Ed’s and the goat had eaten a perfect circle on the lawn. Look, a crop circle! Daddy was laughing and feeling pretty proud of his self. Back at the house, Daddy was still wearing his disguise. My mother took one look at him and threw up her hands, “I don’t want to know!” I figured it was plausible deniability. About a half hour later the expected phone call came, there was laughter and a gotcha.

Later in the week when both families gathered for some peaceful Christmas cheer, Daddy greeted them at the door wearing none other than the blonde wig and sunglasses. Several rounds of laughter went up as the two men recanted the tale of their latest escapade and stories of other pranks. Mother served dinner - smoked ham, Daddy whipped up several batches of egg nog plus we exchanged gifts - real gifts. The warmth of the season embraced us; truly, a memorable Christmas was had by all.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - F

F is for Funk
Jazz and Rock 'n Roll
Without music
There'd be no Soul

Today's playlist features several artists who have brought to the world such great music over the past decades. There's a blog a friend of mine has dedicated to such artists - dufusdownbeat. If you are a lover of the beats, check out Dufus' blog which primarily covers music of the 60's and 70's. Full of obscure facts and fun videos, I'm sure every music lover will enjoy the selections he features each week.

Continue to listen as you surf today - it's truly good for the soul.