The Screaming Me-Me!!!

Life's Circumstances

2010-04-13T09:56:00.014-07:00

Hopi Migration
Dennis Numkena
7'x7' Oil on Canvas
Peace and light on your journey Dennis.

Because this blog fits into the humor niche, I have never brought into these pages my personal life when I am experiencing difficult times. However, due to a close friend's serious illness in addition to another close friend's death which just occurred yesterday, I must take a much needed break to collect myself - to regroup and to grieve. It's been rather difficult going through the motions here over the past several months, especially when my heart is breaking.

I'm not sure how long this process will take - a few days, a couple of weeks or maybe even a month. Never fear, I will not be completely be absent from the blogosphere, I will most definitely continue to visit your blogs from time-to-time.

In the meantime, you'll be able to find me on facebook. If you have not already "friended" me, you may do so here.

Peace,
Me-Me

Classifieds: Help Wanted

2010-04-12T05:11:00.011-07:00

Finding a job that actually pays you to get out of bed each morning is becoming more and more difficult to find, especially in an area which has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.

While perusing my usual sources for employment ads yesterday, I ran across this one.....

Man-Servant Needed

Look, I'll cut to the chase. I just need some help around my house.

Duties of a man-servant include, but are not limited to the following:
- Daily trash removal
- Back rubs
- Daily cleaning of litter boxes
- Sponge baths
- Preparation of lights meals and snacks
- Gratuitous compliments about how great I look in my penguin pajamas

In addition, a man-servant will have to be able to handle the following:
- Watching me dance around (without pants on) to show tunes
- Wearing a bedazzled loincloth while performing chores
- Occasional sexual harassment
- The sound of a whip cracking

Salary is negotiable and bonuses are available depending on how special you've made me feel by the end of the day.

If you're interested, please contact me as soon as possible. I'll need to fit you for the loincloth and then bedazzle it by hand before you can start.

Any takers?

Sunday Serenade: You Got The Silver

2010-04-11T05:09:00.005-07:00

I'm taking the day off...see you tomorrow!

Comments off.

Caption This! No. 38 Winner!

2010-04-10T06:13:00.010-07:00

Wow! When I put this week's photo up for Caption This!, I knew you folks wouldn't let me down. You all came up with captions which are hysterical. Thanks so much for playing!

The Panel's decision this week was a hard one and, after much deliberation, have finally decided on a wiener....erm, I mean, winner. But, there are those who were very close and have received a most-honorable mention. The following rocked it with their captions:

Ziva said...
"A very discreet survey of the Polish cycling team showed that 2 out of 5 men are lefties, 2 out of 5 men are righties, and 1 out of every 5 men doesn't give a damn. Also, 0 out of 5 men actually wear underwear."

nonamedufus said...
"The boys pose for a photo in which they demonstrate their excitement in coming from behind to win the Men's Tour de Pants."

Buggys said...
"I told them to follow the trail marked in red but 2 turned left, 2 turned right and 1 got lost!"

C: said...
"Peter, Dick, Willy, and Rod were nervous. They knew how excited Johnson was about this year's traditional post-race piggy back ride."

trash talk said...
"News Flash: Competition expected to be stiff. Home team lubed, packed and ready to explode off the starting line. More at the 10:00 news."

To see the rest of this week's captions submitted, go here. I promise, it's well worth the trip.

We have a winner!

This week's winner of The Golden Phallus is a newcomer to Caption This! Last week, in her first attempt to play, she received a most-honorable mention. Not bad, not bad at all. However, this week both of the captions she submitted were in consideration for the win! Everyone, please give a big round of applause for Malisa from Moonlight Hollow! Congratulations! I ask you all to please stop by her place today and follow her.

Now, the winning caption.....

Department "heads" from Trojan Condoms Inc.
comprise their competitive cycle team,
"Where The Rubber Meets The Road"

Thank you all again for playing. If you happen to run across a photo that you feel would make a great splash here for Caption This!, please email it to memeking2000@yahoo.com. Thanks!

See you next Wednesday!

J. Wellington Wimpy Loves Culver's

2010-04-09T07:19:00.007-07:00

For those of us old enough to remember the original Popeye cartoon series or if you ever saw Popeye the movie, you'll know that J. Wellington Wimpy was Popeye's friend. Wimpy was very intelligent, and well educated, but also very lazy. Wimpy loved to eat hamburgers and was usually seen carrying or eating one or more at a time or seen grinding meat almost the entire time – however, he was usually too cheap to pay for them himself. "Cook me up a hamburger. I'll pay you Thursday" was his best-known catchphrase.

I have quite a bit in common with Wimpy, mostly my love for a good hamburger. Although I tend to stay away from the fast-food version of a hamburger, there are several restaurants here in the valley of the sun I frequent from time-to-time for a delicious burger. And, of course, you can't beat a juicy char-broiled burger which just came off the grill from your own backyard. Yum!

Recently, a new chain has opened here in Phoenix that I am finding hard to resist - Culver's. In my opinion, their burgers are far better than any of the other fast-food joints and I'm sure Wimpy would even agree. Their specialty is the butter burger. Oh, my! Like other franchised operations they, too, offer a menu full of basket meals where you can select from a number of mouth-watering sides. Let me tell you, their onion rings are absolutely divine.

Yesterday, as I was perusing the Internet, I came across a fabulous offer from Culver's. If you join their eClub you will receive a coupon for a buy one, get one free value basket meal. For those of you who have never ventured to Culver's, this offer is an excellent opportunity for you to give them a try and "Get Culverized". For those of you who already enjoy Culver's...bonus!

If you have not entered this week's Caption This! contest, you have until midnight tonight to do so....now, get goin'!

Snakes Alive! Revisited

2010-04-08T04:11:00.006-07:00

I was inspired today to repost this from my archives by one of my favorite blogging buddies. Thanks, Dufus!

Qantas Airlines was forced to cancel flights yesterday due to four baby pythons which had escaped on a passenger plane in Australia. Yikes! This is all too familiar with Samuel L. Jackson's movie, Snakes on a Plane.

Granted, the baby pythons were only a half foot long, they did not pose a threat as the pheromone laced snakes in the movie. But, the very thought of these little guys loose on a plane is enough to send shivers up and down my spine. You see, I suffer from snake phobia.

Then why on earth do I live in the middle of the desert where the Western Diamondback Rattler is king? Trust me, I ask myself this question daily, especially now when snakes are making their way from their winter dens. I even believe these creatures may hold conventions and pass around my picture as "the" perfect victim. They are all out there laying and waiting for me to walk by so they can get their jollies by scaring the shit out of me.

Just who do they think they are? They coil up and strike the classic pose which makes my heart race, gives me tunnel vision and causes me to pee my pants. I won't even walk where grass is any higher than my ankles for fear there is not just one snake, but at least 30. And, they are all waiting there just for me.

Anyway, when I read the news of the lost snakes yesterday, I thought about how these snakes go from eating a small mouse to eventually swallowing a baby hippo. Good googly moogly! Now, just where did these snakes go? And, is it so common that snakes are transported by passenger airliners? Well, that alone gives me reason enough to never fly again.

I rest my case.

Don't forget.....today is "tweet thursday". Everyone who leaves a comment will receive a tweet for their latest post.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 38

2010-04-07T04:58:00.009-07:00

Welcome and thanks for stopping by to play another round of Caption This! Each week I search and search for a photo that is worthy of your captions and this week was no exception. I bet I went through at least 200 photos before I finally found the perfect photo.

I'm sure you all are aware of how to play....simply enter your caption in the comment section below, enter as often as you'd like and don't forget to return here on Saturday when the winner of The Golden Phallus is announced.

Good luck, everyone!!!

For more captioning fun, be sure drop on by Dufus' place. Plus, there's a new captioning contest you can also try over at Jeremy's We Took The Bait.

Me-Me's Neighborhood: O My Word!

2010-04-06T05:20:00.005-07:00

It's been awhile since I've featured a blogger in my neighborhood. So, today is special on many levels. The most important reason is because today's featured blogger is someone I actually know, personally. It was about 15 years ago when I first met Lisa Wines here in Phoenix, we are both part of a circle of tried and true friends.

Lisa was my first. Lisa made a very bold move by taking me somewhere I had never been before.....Paris. Not literally, but through her blog. A blog? I had heard of blogs, but I had never read a blog until our dear friend Sharon insisted I sit down and read all about Lisa's latest escapade. You see, Lisa had moved to Paris the year before and began blogging her experiences as a 50-something American woman living in Paris. Let me tell you, over the years she has found herself in many interesting situations which have left me rolling on the floor, especially this post, She's Got That Look from August 2008.

About a year an a half ago, I wrote a little story and sent it to Lisa. She was very excited by my attempt to write that she encouraged me to blog. Through a series of emails she guided me through the valley of Blogger. Widget? What in the hell is a widget? With patience and love she had me up and running to where I was now exposing myself to the blogosphere. Lisa even went so far to introduce me to her neighborhood by posting a special announcement. As a result, I received several comments on my very first post. Wow! Now, how many of you had such special help? C'mon, get your hands up...that's what I thought.

No doubt, Lisa is special. Once you have visited her blog, Omyword!, it's like sitting on the sofa with a bag of Lay's, you can't read just one. Her humor is infectious and you'll find yourself wanting more. So, I ask you all to take the time today to please visit Lisa and follow her. And, while you are there, be sure to wish her a very happy birthday!

Flying The Friendly Skies

2010-04-05T06:36:00.007-07:00

I don't know about you, but I get a lot of emails forwarded to me from friends who think I might want to publish them on my blog. To be honest, most of those emails aren't funny at all. In fact, they border on being stupid or so old of a joke you would have been living in a block of ice for the past 100 years not to have ever heard it. However, a friend did forward something to me which was funny and I hadn't heard before. So, without further ado, here goes.....

Now and then, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety presentation and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some of the better ones that are flying around the web:

1. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land.

2. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

4. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

6. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

7. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

8. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

After reading through these I was reminded why I'd rather take the train. Have a great day!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T04:00:00.002-07:00

Caption This! No. 37 Winner!

2010-04-03T05:41:00.007-07:00

Hello everyone, thank you for stopping by today. A couple of days ago I mentioned that the best of the best play here. Man, I wasn't kidding...I wish I could give each and everyone of you the coveted prize for your captions this week.

The Panel definitely had a difficult decision this week and, after much deliberation, have finally decided on the winner. But, before we get to that announcement, I have several most-honorable mentions to hand out.

Moooooog35 said...
"Goodness, gracious...great balls of fire."

ReformingGeek said...
"I need some Ice, Ice, Baby."

Don said...
"This is why the phrase "blow me" was invented."

Kelly said...
"Just another day in Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan's boudoir."

Erin said...
"Their mothers' warnings about STD's went out the window, along with the condoms. With penises ablaze, the boys realized they'd better stop, drop, and roll. And get some antibiotics."

Frea kSmack said...
"What a bunch of flamers!"

mac said...
"This is the normal progression. It starts with poor vision. In advanced cases, chronic masturbators are known to spontaneously combust."

Malisa said...
"Everyone in Arkansas enjoys a good wiener roast!"

We have a wiener...erm, I mean winner!

Today's winner actually submitted two really great captions, but one of them was definitely a cut above the rest. Please give a big round of applause for Tgoette because he's the one taking home The Golden Phallus today. Tgoette's blog, Sophisticated Lunacy, is one man's desperate attempt to create an amusing, entertaining and hopefully thought-provoking haven for fellow weirdos, crackpots, conspiracy theorists, alien abductees and people with a slightly twisted view on life. I'm sure you all fit into one category or another so I urge you all to stop by his place today and "follow" him.

And, now, the winning caption.....

"Trying to make the best out of a bad situation,
Clarence asked his friends if they were up for some smores."

Thank you all again for playing this week and I do hope to see you all again next week for another edition of Caption This!

Photo Booth Pranks

2010-04-02T06:41:00.004-07:00

Okay, I'll be honest, I don't have a thing for you today other than the video below. From The Tonight Show, here's how people react to a phony talking photo booth set up at Universal Studios. Enjoy, it's really pretty funny.

Tune in tomorrow when the winner of this week's Caption This! is announced. Oh, you have entered yet? Click here!

It's All About.....Me!

2010-04-01T05:35:00.010-07:00

Who else, right? I am basking in bloggy love this morning because yesterday was such a stellar day. I swear, it just doesn't get much better than this. Please, allow me to explain.

First, I was checking in over at facebook. Okay, you caught me, I was signing on to FarmVille when I noticed I had a message in my inbox which read, YOU WON! I won? Holy crap, I won! I opened the message and discovered I had won the contest giveaway held by Proof Positivity over at My Thoughts Always. Wooo-hooo!

Winner, winner, skillet dinner! Here it is, folks. I won a 3-quart-covered iron skillet made by Bayou Classics and compliments of csn stores.com. I can't wait to received this beauty and to get down to some really serious cooking. There's something about cooking in an iron skillet that just makes the food taste better. Move over Mario Batali, there's a new Iron Chef in town.

Then I was reading the hilarious captions you all had submitted for this week's Caption This! I have to say, when it comes to captioning contests, the best-of-the-best play here. Anyway, I noticed on one of the submissions this addendum from Lizzy and Elle over at Sex N Fries, "Congrats on winning this week". What, I won? Holy Mother of blog awards, I won their Top Blog award!

And, while I was still on Cloud 9, I discovered another award was waiting for The Screaming Me-Me!!!, the Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wah award. Lizzy and Elle are two very busy ladies. Not only do they publish Sex n Fries, but they also have a community of bloggers who gather at The Social Club. Haven't joined yet? Well, get yourself over there and join the fun!

See what I mean? What a great day! I would like to thank Proof Positivity, Lizzy and Elle for truly making my day. It just doesn't get much better that this.

Now, it's time for me to now get my Twitter on. That's right, it's tweet thursday. All you have to do is leave a comment below and I will tweet your latest post. Simple as that.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 37

2010-03-31T05:36:00.005-07:00

Woooo-hoooo, it's Wednesday! Time to play another edition of Caption This! By now I'm sure you all know the rules.....

Really, there are no rules. Simply enter your best caption for the photo below. You may enter as often as you likethen return here on Saturday when the winner of The Golden Phallus will be announced.

Now, for more captioning fun, head on over to Dufus' place.

Remember, tomorrow is "tweet thursday", see you then!

Orange Blossom Special

2010-03-30T06:09:00.008-07:00

Ahhh, Spring! I wanted to share a photo with you I took of the orange tree which grows right outside my kitchen window. Mmmmmm, the fragrance fills the air will all its sweetness. I also have other flowers which have loads of buds thanks to all the rain we had this winter and I'll be sharing those with you once they have bloomed. Be sure to click on the photo to enlarge.....enjoy!

Coming up this week.....

Wednesday - Please join me here again tomorrow for another edition of Caption This!

Thursday - tweet thursday! Would you like your post tweeted? All you have to do is leave a comment and I will share your latest post with my 1700+ followers on Twitter.

Have a great day!

Blog Physics

2010-03-29T06:40:00.010-07:00

For anyone who has been blogging for any length of time, there are certain occurrences which happen from time-to-time we find quite puzzling. There are no real explanations for these happenings - it is what it is. I will now refer to these phenomenons as Blog Physics.

For example, Two-Steps Back. I stepped away from my blog on Friday to take care of registering my vehicle. (By the way, I did survive it.) It was only one day, but by the next day, somehow or another, I was actually two days behind when it came to making my rounds and commenting. How does this happen? I just don't get it.

Then there is the Time Zone Scoop. This has happened to me on more than one occasion. I'm already set to write my post only to discover someone (usually Dufus) has posted something on the same subject that same day. Arrrggghhh. Even though I have readjusted my sleep pattern to wake well before the crack of dawn, I am still faced with this problem. To me, nothing is more frustrating than having to regroup under the power of just one cup of coffee.

Finally, the Disappearing Follower is another weirdness I cannot explain. A couple of times my followers have dropped off by as many as 60. Where in this world did these people go? I know there are times when I can't please everyone, but 60? What, is there some kind of conspiracy where everyone gets together and un-follows me at the same time? But, as quickly as they left , they all seem to return the next day. Beats me.

I'm sure you all have had similar experiences, at least I hope you have. Please tell me I'm not the only one cursed with such happenings. I'm curious to hear about your unexplained experiences, the ones you can only chock up to Blog Physics.

Coachella Or Bust!

2010-03-28T05:34:00.008-07:00

I am so excited this morning because I am making plans to attend the Coachella Music Festival April 16th, 17th and 18th near Indio, California. This festival features many genres of music including alternative rock, hip hop and electronic music as well as large sculptural art.

In past years artists such as Leonard Cohen, Sir Paul McCartney Prince and Madonna have taken the stage to entertain the masses. This year's lineup includes a couple of new bands I've taken a liking to like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Old Crow Medicine Show along with Jay-Z, John Waters, Shooter Jennings and Sly Stone.

It's been years since I have attended anything like this and I cannot wait to make my way to the front of the stage to dance the night away. So, if you find yourself in this part of the country during this particular weekend, drop on by for a lot of great music and fun!

Caption This! No. 36 Winner!

2010-03-27T05:25:00.006-07:00

My-o-my, you people are hilarious!!! I mean it!! As I read through your captions, waiting for The Panel's decision, I was rolling with laughter! Good job everyone and thanks so much for playing.

First, I have a several most-honorable mentions to announce. The following really kicked some serious butt with their captions:

FreakSmack said...
This is the story of five strangers, picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped, to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real...

renalfailure said...
John Waters presents "The Fly."

Don said...
The girls without arms won't fight back... Pick them.

Buggys said...
Old Navy does..Girls Gone Wild!

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...
Venus and Frank de Milo take in the Athens Community College's presentation of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis"

Heff said...
Just a normal Saturday night at Heff's Bar And Grill!

We have a winner!

This week's winner of The Golden Phallus is someone whose blog I thoroughly enjoy. Everyone, please give a big round of applause to Leeuna! Her blog, My Mind Wandered, is absolutely fabulous! Leeuna is a newspaper columnist whose whose humor column appears in several newspapers and other publications across the country. Okay, pay attention everyone, you really must visit her today and "follow" her too, click here!

And, now, the winning caption!

"We should never have come here unarmed."

Thank you all again for playing, we'll see you next week for another rip-roaring edition of Caption This!

DMV vs. Root Canal

2010-03-26T06:01:00.017-07:00

There's no way around it, my procrastination during this past week has now reached its final day. Today is the day I must take my new "used" vehicle for the required emissions testing, then on to the DMV for a new title and registration. I am anticipating long lines and a slew of unhappy state employees who take out their frustrations on we the people. To tell you the truth, I would rather go to the dentist for a root canal.

What I think I'll dread the most about today is being guided into the emissions bay. The technician will signal for me to pull forward, then quickly motion me to steer left, then right. He'll hold one hand up for me to stop, then motion to me to make a slight left by giving me the international sign for one inch. Yeah, buddy, I have an international sign for you right here! Then he'll wave his hands frantically and put both hands up directing me to back up and start all over. If this happens, I'll just abandon my car and let him do it.

Once I have finally made it into the bay, I'll be put in a small booth and watch a couple of guys talk amongst themselves while glancing my way giving me the impression there is something seriously wrong as they put my vehicle through all the tests. Then it hits me, something vaguely familiar. Have you ever noticed while waiting in that booth there is a certain smell? One you can't quite put your finger on? Here's an idea, I will practice my breathing without smelling technique before I even leave the house this morning.

All I want is that piece of paper I have paid $25 for so I can make my way on down to the DMV. Oh, I can't wait to arrive and find that the only parking space available is at the far end of the lot. Note to self: Wear sneakers. Once inside, I'll take a number and look up to discover there are 56 people ahead of me in line. I better stop and buy a magazine on the way so I won't have to make conversation with the person who keeps hacking up a lung I end up sitting next to, provided I get a seat at all.

I hope I have all my paper work in order so I won't be moved from one line to another just to be moved back to my original line. I also hope I don't end up at the window where that woman who keeps looking at me over the top of her glasses with disdain after each question she asks. I know, it's an intimidation tactic, but that won't stop my voice from quivering as I answer. I believe I now understand why there are 4 inches of bullet proof glass between us.

Once this agonizing process is over I will run as fast as I can back to my car with hopes of remembering where I parked. I will put that plate on my vehicle using the screwdriver from the glove box, torque those screws as tightly as I can, then quickly make my getaway. Heaven forbid that woman realizes she made a mistake and sends security after me to retrieve my plate and forces me back into line. Oh look, the line has dwindled, there are now only 42 people ahead of me.

I ask you, DMV or root canal?

Reminder: Caption This! ends at midnight. I you haven't entered, do so here.

Queen For A Day

2010-03-25T04:52:00.020-07:00

Back in the late 50's and early 60's there was a television show called, Queen for a Day. This show was one of the first big-prize giveaway shows which originated on radio in the 40's and this series is considered a forerunner of our modern day "reality television".

The show opened with host Jack Bailey asking the audience—mostly women—"Would YOU like to be Queen for a day?" After this, the contestants were introduced and interviewed, one at a time, with commercials and fashion commentary interspersed between each contestant.

Using the classic "applause meter", as did many game and hit-parade style shows of the time, Queen for a Day had its own special twist: each contestant had to talk publicly about the recent financial and emotional hard times she had been through.

And there were prizes...lots of prizes. They might include a vacation trip, a fully-paid night on the town with her husband or escort, silver-plated flatware, an array of kitchen appliances, and a selection of fashion clothing. The losing contestants were each given smaller prizes; no one went away from the show without a meaningful gift. The winner, though, also received a huge bouquet of roses, a long fur robe and beautiful crown. I may have been only six years old at the time, but I wanted that crown!

There have been times in my life where I have thought of that show, if only I could be Queen for a Day, my life would be trouble free. Well, today is my day, I am Queen for a Day! My little corner of the blogoshpere has been recognized by two bloggers who think well enough of my efforts here to honor me with an award.

MrsBlogAlot has crowned me with her "A Must Read" award and has posted it on her blog for all to see. Thank you, MrsBlogALot, I am honored. For those of you who are not already regular readers over there, you really must pop over. Her post today features one of our twisted blogging buddies, moooooog, read all about it here.

Lauren over at Think Spin has also crowned me with the "Happy 101" award. She has listed The Screaming Me-Me in her Top 10 blogs. How sweet is that? Thank you, Lauren! You really must visit her today and read her post "The Metamucil Club". Go here, it's hilarious!

So, there you have it...the two jewels in my crown.

Just as a reminder, today is "tweet thursday", I give a tweet! All you have to do is leave a comment and I will tweet your latest post, simple as that. It's just my way of saying "thanks".

I really must go now.....my public awaits, my adoring public! (Insert Queen wave here.) Have a great day everyone!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 36

2010-03-24T00:28:00.002-07:00

It's time to play Caption This!

Wouldn't you love to win The Golden Phallus? Well, all you have to do is give the photo below a careful look and enter your most clever caption. You may enter as often as you like - contest closes Friday midnight. The decision of The Impartial Panel of Three will be announced here on Saturday.

Good luck, everyone!

Once you are done here, please pop over to Dufus' place for more captioning fun!

The Need For Speed!

2010-03-23T06:12:00.017-07:00

Many of you commented on my last post about my son's motorcycle racing. Thanks for asking. So, to bring you up to speed, here's a post from October 2008 which may help to shed a little light. Oh, and you may click the photos for a closer look.

As a mother, all you want for your children is happiness and prosperity. And, when it comes to my son, he fills the bill. He's educated, independent and has a beautiful family of his own. He has also excelled in his career as a design engineer. What more could a mother ask for?

Since he was a little boy, Zac, has been a daredevil. It all started with his big wheel. It wasn't enough to peddle himself along the sidewalk, he had to find a hill to ride down; peddling with all his might he'd zoom down the hills faster than a speeding bullet. Oh, his outfit of choice - superman underoos with a towel-cape pinned to his shoulders along with a pair of cowboy boots. Wheeeeeeee! Get the picture?

Zac went through a number of bicycles and obtained the usual scrapes and bruises; however, nothing a little Bactine and a Bandaid couldn't fix. Then we went through our on-the-way-to-the-hospital-for-stitches phase. After two visits in one month, it was suggested by the ER physician that I chain Zac to the bed for the next few years. Yeah, right.

He then moved on to horses. Zac had what I referred to as "Black Beauty Syndrome". He would mount up (yep, still wearing cowboy boots) and off he'd ride at a dead run. I would remind him there were other gaits his pony was capable of; of course, he ignored me. One afternoon his pony, Scout, decided to show Zac a thing or two - he ran away - out of control - with Zac holding on for dear life. "Pull back", I yelled as they neared the fence. Scout stopped just short of the fence and Zac flew head first into the barbed-wire strands. Twenty-six stitches later, I restricted his riding.

Then came a series of four-wheelers and motorcycles...I held my breath. Aside from one minor accident, he made it through okay. Then, shortly after graduating from high school, Zac stripped the inside of his car, added nitros and participated in the 1/4-mile drags at the local raceway. He was awesome on the track; but, he did get a few tickets on the streets and roads for exhibition of speed. One night, as a friend and I listened to the police scanner, we heard the state police receiving registration and insurance verification for, none other than, Zac.

His fascination for speed was never really satisfied until he began racing motorcycles on a flat track at 185 mph. The first time I went to the track to support my son in his latest thrill, well, I was taken aback by the equipment required - a one-piece, fully padded leather suit, heavy-duty leather gloves, special boots and, of course, a full helmet. He looked like a storm trooper.

So, I asked him to explain the object and the rules of the race. Remember, he's an engineer; his response turned into a dissertation, "First, you buy a bike...blah, blah, blah". However, the glaze cleared from my eyes when he began to talk about "the rush".....

"It starts 15 minutes before you are called to the grid. That nervous anticipation/excitement of putting your ass on the line to show your stuff and live out your dream. Then you roll out for the warm-up lap. Your excitement turns into sharp focus as you circle the track and line up in the grid. Now, the adrenaline really kicks in. The countdown starts with a two, then one - it can't happen fast enough. You are waiting for the release. Then it comes. GREEN! You do your best to get the throttle pinned and the clutch out. You tip into turn one with five to ten other lunatics hell bent on being first, you stake your claim and then rip the shit out of it!"

Good, lord!

Funny, I still see that little boy with the towel-cape as he laps the track. No doubt, he was born with the need, the need for speed!

*photos by Tom Marrs, Phoenix.

Please, Somebody Help Me!!!

2010-03-21T04:22:00.016-07:00

Just over a month ago I finally gave into the pressure of friends and family nagging me to join facebook. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the benefits of social networking - you get out of it what you put into it. After just a couple of days, I had decided facebook was a really easy way to keep up with the daily happenings in everyone's lives (and blogs) by viewing just one page. However, I was totally unaware of what was lurking behind some of those facebook's applications. More specifically.....games!

I've never been a game player except for the one time in my life I owned and played with great fervor every version of The Sims. Oh, yeah. I was totally addicted and thought of nothing but getting home from work to build my neighborhood or send my characters on vacation. This is hard to admit, but I even built a torture chamber without doors and windows and watched different characters go potty without the benefit of a toilet and eventually die from lack of food just so I would have ghosts who haunted the house I had so lovingly furnished. Yep.

Now....it's Farmville!!! I can not stop plowing, planting and harvesting. I am obsessed! I check my facebook homepage 3 or 4.....no, make that at least 10 times every single day just to see if any of my friends who also play have sent me a gift. I sit here and literally giggle with anticipation as I open a mystery box. Will I get an exotic fruit tree, a cow or maybe a horseshoe which will help me to finally complete that frickin' stable? I plant fruits and vegetables with one mission only in mind...getting to the next level just to have the opportunity of the newest items "unlocked" at my disposal.

Oh no, it just doesn't stop there. I finally found 10 friends who thought well enough of my offer to join me as a neighbor. I visit my neighbors' farms twice a day just to fertilize their crops and feed their chickens. Will I find fuel, a collectible or the coveted mystery egg? Regardless of any special finds, I'm accumulating points. Points where I can shop with the one-click convenience to beautify my farm.

Wanna see? Click photo to biggify.

This is just one side of my lovely farm that keeps me from having to deal with real life situations. Look, I have green sheep, gray horses and a Saanens goat which should be renamed Satan's goat for luring me into such a world. Oh, and the tractor, do you have any idea how long I played just to be able to afford that baby? Get this, now that I have it, I swear don't know how to use it. Even more sad is when I found out I could not use the bicycle I purchased to ride around my farm when harvesting my fruit and nut trees. Uh, huh.

I may need an intervention. Or maybe just a few more neighbors. No, really, if you play Farmville and are looking for a dedicated neighbor, please invite me. My facebook user name is MeMe King. If you just want to add me as a friend, that's okay too. I promise, I won't annoy you with any Farmville posts like whenever I find an uncommon butterfly while picking cherries.

Last night I found this.....

Well, I'd say that about sums it up. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

NOTE: I won't be around today or tomorrow. I'm going out to watch my son race his motorcycle around the track at speeds which exceed 190 mph. Then I'm returning to Tucson with them for a much needed night with my family. I promise, I will catch up with you all later on Monday! Oh, just in case you were wondering, my family has plenty of computers for me to keep an eye on the farm while I'm gone.

Caption This! Winner No. 35

2010-03-20T07:14:00.006-07:00

Happy Saturday! It's time to announce the winner of this week's special edition of Caption This! Thank you all for playing, you came up with some pretty interesting captions.....so, let's get to it.

The Panel has given thumbs-up to a few of you, those receiving a most-honorable mention are.....

Moooooog35 said...
Surprisingly, this was exactly the 'Pot' at the end of the rainbow that Dewayne had hoped he'd find.

Kelly said...
Leprechauns always have the best weed. That's what they mean by POT O' Gold.

FreakSmack said...
For $180 an ounce that shit better make you see leprechauns!

We have a winner!

This week's winner of The Golden Phallus is none other than Renal Failure! Congratulations, stand up and take a bow. I encourage you all to stop by over at Renal Failure today, I'm sure you will enjoy this writing experiment - a blog full of damnable lies and outright fabrications.

Now, the winning caption.....

"This is how Glenn Beck sees
Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich."

Again, thank you all for playing....see you next Wednesday for another edition of Caption This!

I Give A Tweet!

2010-03-18T04:00:00.008-07:00

Updated Friday 03/19/2010: Imagine my surprise when I logged on this morning and found so many of you missed this announcement yesterday. Well, due to the huge response, I will extend this offer through today to help spread the word for "tweet thursday". And, since you are already here, take a look at this week's edition of Caption This! contest which ends at midnight, you could be the next winner.

It's Thursday...tweet thursday!.

Huh?

So, here's the deal. Each Thursday I will tweet everyone's most recent post just for leaving a comment...that's it. It's such an easy way to get your blog promoted! Now, if you are not already following me on Twitter, how will you know if I actually tweeted your blog post to my 1700 followers? Simple, follow me on Twitter then you'll receive confirmation of your tweet. Taaa-daaah.

Yeah, I know, another bandwagon to jump on. But, isn't this something we should be doing for each other anyway? It literally takes just a few seconds to post a tweet or retweet a post, I do it all the time.

Would you like to add "tweet thursday!" to your blog? Great, simply copy and paste the button to your blog then link it to your announcement so your readers will know to visit and comment every Thursday to receive their tweet. Suh-weet!

So, leave a comment and get your first tweet today!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 35

2010-03-17T05:45:00.009-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day and welcome to a special edition of Caption This! If it be gold yer lookin' for at the end of the rainbow, well, I've got your gold right here. Faith and begorrah....be the one with the most clever caption and ye win the prize.

May the luck of the Irish be with you. Enter as often as you like and return here on Saturday when The Panel awards the winner of the gold...The Golden Phallus.

This just in...Dufus has offered up a challenge today by claiming my little contest here is only second best. Well, we'll see about that. Pop on over to his place for another chance to win!

Caption This! No. 34 Winner!

2010-03-15T04:07:00.009-07:00

Okay, I'm back. Sorry for the pause in the action, folks. No, I was not reconstructing my blog, I was reconstructing my life. Don't you just hate it when reality kicks in and you have to pry yourself away from your blog? Oh, it's difficult alright. Anyway, I appreciate your patience and I promise I will get to each of your blogs today. I'm just dying to know what I've missed the past several days. That being said...on with the show!

Oh boy, you all had some pretty funny submissions this week, thank you so much for playing. The Panel has handed down their decision for the winner of The Golden Phallus. But, first, let's give a round of applause to those receiving a most-honorable mention.....

mac said...
"Did I mention the pre-employment cavity search, Bob?"

nonamedufus said...
"Proctology 101: 1. put on gloves 2. ask patient to bend over 3. THE PANTS, THE PANTS! ...Damn."

Leeuna said...
"Introducing the latest in Health Care Reform: the Ben Dover prostate exam center. Can also be performed via the drive-up window."

The Old Silly said...
"Occasionally there comes a time in life when you just gotta take things into your own hands. In those defining moments, a great crevice is traversed, and deep sense of satisfaction is derived."

otin said...
"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

We have a winner!.....

This week's winner is certainly no stranger to Caption This! And, quite frankly, she was due to win the coveted trophy. We all know her and love her and without further ado...stand up, Cat Lady Larew, take a bow. Congratulations, you are this week's winner! Just in case you've been living under a rock and you are not familiar with her blog, How To Become A Cat Lady Without The Cats, please pop over for a visit today and be sure to "follow" her.

And, now, the winning caption......

"Hmmm... to lube or not to lube?
That is the question."

See you all here Wednesday for the St. Patrick's Day special edition of Caption This!

Under Construction.....

2010-03-11T08:01:00.003-07:00

See you tomorrow.....I hope!

Comments are turned off.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 34

2010-03-10T08:52:00.005-07:00

Hello, boys and girls! I can see by the clock on the wall, it's time to play...Caption This! Take a close look at the photo below and give it your best shot. Enter as often as you'd like and return here on Saturday when the winner of The Golden Phallus will be announced.

What is this guy up to?

Good luck!

For more captioning fun, pop on over to Dufus' place. He's got a hum-dinger for you today!

Quotables: Oscar Wilde

2010-03-09T09:06:00.003-07:00

Known for his biting wit, flamboyant dress, and glittering conversation, Oscar Wilde became one of the most well-known personalities of his day. It was his only novel, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" - still widely read - that brought him more lasting recognition. He died destitute in Paris at the age of forty-six.

1. Genius is born -- not paid.

2. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

3. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

4. I can resist anything but temptation.

5. There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

6. Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

7. Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.

8. A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

9. Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

10. I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

11. Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

12. Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life.

13. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

14. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

15. Women are made to be loved, not understood.

The Jolie Doctrine

2010-03-08T07:12:00.007-07:00

Remember Friday's post, Nature.....What A Trip! when I featured the video Spiders on Drugs? Yeah, I already know what you're thinking..."here you go again, taking the easy way out by showing a video instead of writing something original". Okay, you're right, tough toe nails. Look at it this way, the video is only 1 minute long, then you are on your merry little blogging way.

Anyway, the same filmmaker of that educational (*smirk*) video from Friday now brings us Angelina Jolie in Womb Raider. So, lock your doors and hide your children, Third World countries, before Angelina slips in like a fog and steals your precious treasures.

Just push play.....

Have a smashing day everyone!

Sunday

2010-03-07T07:06:00.010-07:00

“Sunday is the golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week”--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This past Thursday I offered a giveaway of Robert Walters' new comic strip book - Boy, I'd Hate To Be Made Out Of That Stuff! Using a random selection gizmo-thingy, I entered all of the names of those of you who entered.

Voila, we have a winner!!!

suZen, come on down! Congratulations! suZen is the bloggess over at Erasing the Bored, she is a brilliant writer and presents a variety of uplifting and creative motivations for day-to-day living . I have been following her for quite some time and always enjoy her thoughtful perspectives. Be sure you stop by her place today!

Also, I would like to thank Christiejolu over at Tales From My Head for the Sunshine Award she presented to me earlier in the week. Given we have a 70% chance of rain today, spreading a bit of sunshine my way is definitely appreciated. Thank you, Christiejolu!

And, finally, here's something you probably do not know about me - my favorite Beatles' tune. From the rooftop concert over the Apple Recording Studios in London (1969), I give you I Dig a Pony. Enjoy!

Which Beatles' tune is your favorite?

Caption This! No. 33 Winner!

2010-03-06T09:41:00.006-07:00

Sorry, I'm running a bit late today. I really don't have an excuse other than the banana-nut bread fiasco in my kitchen. That being said.....on with the show!

The Impartial Panel of Three has made their decision for this week's Caption This! The Panel has given a most-honorable mention to the following:

ReformingGeek said...
"Danny is not the sharpest TOOL in the shed."

otin said...
"They say that a person can live by sucking the juice out of a cactus!"

Mrsblogalot said...
"Think this is something? Wait until you get a load of my Bonsai!"

Quirkyloon said...
"Behold: The Wee Willie Stickler!"

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...
"Always a devotee of Eastern medicine, Robert turned to acupuncture to solve his problem with chronic priapism."

We have a winner.....

This week's winner is no stranger to Caption This! Stand up, MikeWJ, and take a bow. Congratulations, you are the winner of The Golden Phallus!!! MikeWJ's blog, Too Many Mornings, is definitely among my favorites. Recently, MikeWJ has been showing off his awesome photography and I feel he needs to publish a coffee table book - it's that good! So, please take the time to pay him a visit today.

Now, the winning caption.....

"I'm thorny, sweetie. Are you thorny, too?"
said Bob, the lisping cowboy.

Thank you all for playing, I hope to see you all here next week for another edition of Caption This!

Oh, if you haven't already entered your comment for the book giveaway, the contest closes at midnight tonight. It's so easy, click here to enter!

Nature.....What A Trip!

2010-03-05T00:29:00.010-07:00

Look, it's not like I'm trying to take the easy way out today...okay, so maybe I am. But, I really wanted you all to take a look at the short video below. I don't want to give it any buildup, just in case you might be thinking that I must have been really high on some bitchin' weed when I decided I wanted to share it with you. Oops, did I just out myself?

Anyway, just push play...

Funny, right?

No, really...pay attention...I am today's featured testimonial over at the C.C.W.A. and I would really like it a lot if you all would jump over there and read the what I had really written for today's post but decided to post it elsewhere with the hopes of doubling my comments kind of thingy there. Anyway, do pop over and read my post...but, before you leave here, please leave a comment...yep, I'm a whore.

And, speaking of doubling my comments today...Welcome Newcomers!!!...buy the ticket and take the ride. Relax, enjoy your stay. Okay, I know the competition is pretty tough, but since you're already here, go ahead and give my caption contest a try and win The Golden Phallus. The winner will be announced here on Saturday.

Thanks for stopping by!

Book Review And Give-A-Way!

2010-03-04T10:15:00.020-07:00

What The DNA Is Going On In Here?
Just a couple of weeks ago I was sent a proof copy of a book authored by Robert Walters - Boy, I'd Hate To Be Made Out Of That Stuff! Mr. Walters asked me to give it a read and to share my findings with my readers. So, during my down time last week, I finished this delightful comic book and have decided to give a copy to one of you. All you have to do is leave a comment and you are automatically entered. The winner will be announced here this Sunday.

Who Are These Guys?

Meet the gang from the Lunar Antics comic strip! Zeno, Zed, Linda, and Drusus are inhabitants of the moon who just love to hang out here on Earth. Because it's not enough to be superior to all Earthlings, their mission is to make sure you know that they are superior to all Earthlings.

There are only three things a reader has to know when encountering theses moon inhabitants...

1. They have antennas.

2. They have flying saucers.

3. They are good in math.

That's it. No tachyon particles. No time paradoxes. No tedious dissertations concerning Heisenberg philosophy. Finally, space aliens for the rest of us!

This is just one of the many excerpts that are available by clicking over to Lunar Antics and, while you are there, you may even order your own copy. Oh, be sure to click on the "Video and Into" tab, this will give you a better idea of Walter's amusing writings and illustrations.

Take it from me, this is truly an enjoyable read for earthlings of all ages. I had a great deal of fun while reading this comic adventure. I actually chuckled as I delved deeper into the antics of these visiting lunar characters, it was definitely well worth my time.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 33

2010-03-03T06:26:00.007-07:00

(Cue circus music.) Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the greatest show on earth! It's time for another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! It's fun and oh so easy to play.

Simply put on your thinking cap and take a gander at the photo below. Then, once your brain engages, submit your caption. See how easy this is?

Amaze your friends and family with the lovely Golden Phallus. This coveted trophy will be awarded to the author of the winning caption. Wouldn't this look great on your fireplace mantel?

And, what's a contest without the fine print? Enter as often as you like, contest ends midnight Friday. Be sure to check back here Saturday for the announcement of those who will receive most-honorable mentions and the grand prize winner. The decision of The Impartial Panel of Three is final.

Looking for more captioning fun? Well, then check out Dufus' place today!

It's Only Rock 'N Roll

2010-03-02T08:24:00.012-07:00

Why are we given 1400 watts of power if we can't really use them? I'm talking about sound, pure. stereo. sound. So, what gives? It's not as if I intend to break the sound barrier, I just want to be able to feel the music. It's kind of like the speedometer on our vehicles which reads 120 mph, but the max we are supposed to use is 75 mph. Excuse me, my vehicle really doesn't reach cruising speed until I hit 80 mph. The same goes for my stereo. I can't even begin to feel the music until I crank it up to number '5' on the volume dial.

Since I have been feeling much better, yesterday I decided it was time to "kick out the jams". I made my selections, pushed back the furniture and was ready to get my groove on. As the music began,I began to twirl. Screw you Wii Fit, this is way more fun.

While listening (and dancing) to the music of the Grateful Dead, mid-twirl I saw the neighbor walking across my lawn. I thought, "Uh oh, I'm in trouble now." I quickly turned the music down and waited for the doorbell to ring. Waiting, waiting.....nothing. After a couple of minutes I returned to my dance party and even managed to work up a sweat. Was this a result of the last of my flu symptoms or was I actually getting a good work out? Regardless, I was sweaty. Then I caught another glimpse of my neighbor, again, heading my way. This time, after turning down the music again, I met him at the door.

Neighbor: "Is that your music blaring?"

Me: (Not wanting to cop to anything) "Possibly."

Neighbor: "Well, if you don't mind turning it down a notch or two, I have company."

Me: "Okay, sorry."

Neighbor: (Turning to leave) Are you okay? "You don't look so good."

Me: (Wanting to say, "Screw you, you buzz killer.") "I'm fine, I'm just getting over the flu."

Neighbor: "Oh, okay. Thanks for turning down your stereo."

Me: "Yeah."

It's not like I was rattling the windows to begin with, but I did keep it down to a dull roar because I'm like that. After an hour or so, it was time for me to hit the shower. I got into my favorite pajamas, heated up some leftover soup and settled in to watch the finale of The Bachelor. Who would Jake pick? The sweet Tenely or the spicy Vienna?

About a half-hour into the show, I heard an irritable noise coming from that same neighbor's back yard. I grabbed the remote and turned down the sound on my TV. What the fuck is that noise? I listened a little closer.....he was running his table saw.....rolls eyes.

Oh, good grief, talk about one loud and annoying sound. Was this his way of getting back at me? Who knows. The noise from the table saw was intermittent for about an hour. Hmmm, the same amount of time I played my music. Whatever, good neighbor, knock yourself out.

Will I rock out again today? Probably. But, hey, it's only rock 'n roll and I like it!

Back In The Pink!

2010-02-28T09:19:00.014-07:00

Lawdy-mercy, I do believe I have finally shed this confounded flu. The one thing to be said for taking a combination of cold and flu medicines is captioning. That's right, despite my altered state, I managed to win the caption contest this past week over at Dufus' place. While under the influence, I submitted the caption that took first prize! Click here to view the winning caption. Thanks, Dufus, I just love hangin' with you.

Because my mailbox was beginning to overflow, my mail carrier came to the door on Thursday and handed me all the mail which had accumulated since Monday. There were the usual sale papers, bills and a package. I threw every else aside and immediately tore into the box. Lo and behold were a pair of beautiful Pink Ice earrings from LuShae Jewelry. This company had contacted me the week before and offered to send me a piece of my choice in exchange for a review. Okay, I'm game.

LuShae Jewelry art designs offers a unique range of authentic sterling silver jewelry with a wide range of precious and semi precious gemstones. They follow celebrity and fashion jewelry trends sourcing the most contemporary high grade pieces available ensuring unmatched quality and value. Let me tell you, this pair of 4-carat princess cut earrings are the bomb. They are truly beautiful and really sparkle when the light hits them. If you are looking for jewelry either as a gift or for yourself, you owe it to yourself to pop over and browse their online catalog.

In addition, LuShae Jewelry is offering a giveaway of $5,000 to one lucky blogger plus a monthly drawing for $200. You must click here for all the details. Besides, who couldn't use an extra five grand in this economy? It is really very easy to enter! Simply add one of their many badges to choose from to your blog (you'll notice I have already added one to my sidebar) - that's it, now go!

I do apologize for not making the rounds this past week; however, I did manage to pop in on a few of you just enough to satisfy my blogging jones. I promise, I'll get by today to each and every one of you because I'm back in the pink!

I'm Alive.....

2010-02-26T07:40:00.007-07:00

Hello?

Is this my blog?

It looks kind of familiar.

Yep, I believe this is the place.

Greetings one and all. Thank you so much for all your well wishes during the past week. I gotta tell ya, I would not wish this flu on anyone. Well, maybe on an ex-husband or two, but not on any of you.

I did not go to the doctor. I decided to treat myself, it's just the flu after all. I sent a friend to the herbal/natural foods shop to find every remedy she could to knock this crap out of me. Click on this photo and take a close look. Along with what remedies I already had (do expiration dates really matter?), this is how my side table has looked for the past week. Trust me, I have tried every combination imaginable. In fact, I think I may have hallucinated a time or two. Now, if I can just figure out which combination brought on the colors. Weeeeeeee.

Aside from the fever-coughing-sneezing-body-aching flu symptoms, I have determined a new mattress is definitely in order. Good grief, I think I have flipped it 3 times just trying to find the right side and the right end to make myself comfortable. And blankets. At one time I had five blankets piled-up on me. Maybe if I hadn't been watching the Olympics I wouldn't have been so frickin' cold. Brrrrrrrr.

Did I mention no appetite? I haven't weighed myself, but by the way my pajama pants are fitting, this flu has caused me to drop at least 10 pounds. Yippee, I have finally dropped the last of that baby weight I've been carrying around for the past 33 years. There is a god!

Okay, I think it's time to return to the land of la-la. I just wanted you all to know that I am alive and feeling better. Thank you again for stopping in and checking on me. I hope to see you again tomorrow.

Blog Closed...Due To Flu

2010-02-22T10:26:00.007-07:00

I have been fighting the flu off for days, but it finally won.

Sorry, folks, I'll see you in a couple of days.

The Sickly Me-Me!!!

Caption This! No. 32 Winner!

2010-02-20T07:13:00.016-07:00

Hello all and thank you for playing the Olympic edition of Caption This! As you can see the guy in the photo has definitely confused the day's event...the luge. He thought the call was for the loo and attempts to mount the throne at the starting line.

The Panel has handed down their decision and the following have received a most-honorable mention......

Tgoette said...
"I am Dukiyama, defender of the toilet bowl. Beware my almighty stench!"

Kelly said...
"Yung Chin Wang: Protector of Toilets, Defender of Turds"

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
"Yogi has his game face on as he makes his first attempt at toilet diving. The key is to have very little splash and to try to not disturb the turd in the pot."

Ziva said...
"The new sport doggy style luge didn't quite make the 2010 Olymic Games, but became an instant hit in Japan. The key to success, young Suzuki Ichiro soon discovered, was to eat, breathe and pee doggy style."

mac said...
"Tanaka sincerely regretted his decision to swallow Godzilla whole."

And the winner is.....

Today's winning author and recipient of The Golden Phallus is the one and only..... Mrs. Blogalot!!! Congratulations, rise from your throne and take a bow!

You really must pay her a visit today and follow her, here's just one reason why.....she would actually drink tomato sauce from the can if it were socially acceptable. Like Jerry Seinfeld, Mrs. Blogalot definitely offers a new spin on life's day-to-day ups and downs. Bet your bottom, her blog is positively a must read.

Now, the winning craption....erm, uh.....caption.

"As Young Flush takes the lead in the imaginary Tidy
Bowl games, visions of coming in number 2
again spurs him on to victory!"

Again, thank you all for playing, hope to see you here again next week. Have a great weekend!

Gold Medal Winners

2010-02-18T08:18:00.015-07:00

Phoenix - The Screaming Me-Me!!! has been awarded the 2010 BlogStar Award for Best Blog Layout by Studio 30 Plus. The news came in last night during the Olympic broadcast from Vancouver. Voted by the community, this is MadMadMargo's second win for her blog design. In 2009, The Screaming Me-Me!!! was voted Best Blog Design by Humor Bloggers Dot Com.

When reached for comment, MMM said, "I would like to thank everyone for voting for my blog, this award is very special to me. To be nominated was a thrill, but to actually win is like receiving the gold medal."

MMM offers her congratulations to fellow bloggers whose blogs also took home the gold - Musings of a Quirkyloon who received the award in the category Blogger You'd Like To Go On Vacation With and Mental Poo received awards in the following categories: Snarkiest Commenter, Best Tweeter and Best Male Blogger. Congratulations also go to In Jayne's World for Best Newbie and The Peach Tart for Best Female Blogger.

For the complete list of winners of the 2010 BlogStar Awards go to Studio 30 Plus.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 32

2010-02-17T10:02:00.003-07:00

Well, well, well. Guess what I did? I won the caption contest over at Man Over Board! Whooo-hooo! Thanks, Glenn! Be sure to pop over to Glenn's place and take a look at my winning caption.

Now, in honor of the Olympic games, I selected this photo for this week's Caption This! You may enter as often as you like. The winning caption will be announced Saturday by The Impartial Panel of Three. The winner will take home The Golden Phallus.

For more captioning fun, pop on over to Dufus' place.

From The Mountains, To The Prairies.....

2010-02-15T08:26:00.009-07:00

It's President's Day and I have decided to celebrate the day with an activity which is rich in tradition and full of glory. An activity which every red-blooded one of you should move on to show your patriotism and that you are doing your part to stimulate our economy which, if you don't mind me saying, is in the crapper.

SHOPPING!!!!

Yes, that's right, shopping! Hurry, revisit your Sunday paper and scan the Internet for the sales of a lifetime. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. So, put on your walking shoes, grab your wallet and hit the streets to stroll the malls. Do what's right for America, ladies and gentlemen, go shopping! Your country will thank you.

Love This!!!

2010-02-14T09:41:00.009-07:00

I am in love.....in love with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This ensemble hippie band will be featured this year at the Coachella Music Festival in April. Their song, Home, from their self-title album is definitely a favorite of mine.

Give a listen.....

Caption This! No. 31 Winner!

2010-02-13T08:25:00.006-07:00

Yes, the Impartial Panel of Three has handed down their decision for this week's Caption This! But, before we get to the winning caption, the following have received a most-honorable mention.....

Mrsblogalot said:
"This is a job for Bearded Cigar Woman!!!"

moooooog said:
"In his defense, the camera really does add ten pounds."

Lauren said:
"Upon his release from wardrobe rehab (as captured in this recent photo), child star Harvey Wallbanger, the last surviving munchkin from the Wizard of Oz, writes tell all book entitled, "OZ S&M Scandals. What was really hidden behind the Wizard's curtain."

Skye said:
"I'm too sexy for this glove, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts..."

Winner, winner.....

This week's winner is none other than Chris at My Virtual Attic. Congratulations, Chris, stand up and take a bow, you have won The Golden Phallus!

You all might want to stop by Chris' place today because he's one heckuva nice guy and the only one you might wanna chase out of town with torches and pitchforks.

Now, the winning caption.....

Hugo's anti-sexual discrimination lawsuit
finally paid off, and HOOTERS was forced to hire him.

Thank you all for playing Caption This!, I hope to see you again next week. Until then, have a great weekend.

All In A Daze Work.....

2010-02-11T07:50:00.010-07:00

My friend Don over at Beyond Left Field recently submitted a term to the Urban Dictionary. This term, I'm sure, has affected us bloggers at one time or another - it's called blogger brain.

Here is Don's entry.....

When one's brain has turned to a mass of useless matter, e.g., a loser or retard due to spending too much time blogging and not enough time in the "real" world.

Early signs of "blogger brain" include: feelings of guilt for missing a post, signing in every hour to check for new comments, and forgetting your children's names...

It's useless doctor. I've tried reaching her, but it's as though she's in another dimension. It's as though she is suffering from "blogger brain."

Forget him...he's zoned out with a case of "blogger brain."

This morning I had my usual cup of coffee to get my brain firing on all cylinders before I sat down to write today's post. Just yesterday I had a couple of ideas; but, for the life of me, I could not remember what I had thought was so clever then to turn it into a post today. Been there?

I sat and stared at my screen which seemed like forever, I visited a few blogs hoping to jar my memory, still I was not able to remember a thing. I've got nothing. No doubt, I have blogger brain.

To help me through this ailment and to keep me on track, I decided to take a cue from Sarah Palin and write my chores for the day on my hand. Have you ever tried to write on your hand which has been slathered with lotion? Arrrggghhh! After numerous tries, I headed off to the sink to wash my hands with dish detergent. Yep, that gave me a clean slate.

Blog
Comment
Follow
FaceBook
Nap!

That's it, that's my day, no more blogger brain.

Thanks, Sarah!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 31

2010-02-10T07:58:00.006-07:00

Welcome one and all to this week's edition of Caption This!

What is this guy up to?

Got Captions? Great! Enter as often as you'd like. Then return here on Saturday when the winning caption is announced.

The prize? The Golden Phallus.

Good luck!

Now, if you love captioning, head on over to Dufus' place for more fun!

Special Announcement: Today is the final day to vote in Knucklehead's Blog-Off 2010. If you haven't already, please make your way over to Too Many Mornings to read Mike's latest post, it is hysterical. Then VOTE, you have until 6 PM Pacific time.....thank you!

More Than You Probably Wanted To Know!

2010-02-09T07:36:00.008-07:00

For those of you who have followed my little piece of the blogosphere, you know when it comes to awards I generally don't follow all the rules. Well, my best blogging buddy, Dufus, awarded me the Best Follower Award last week. Thank you, Dufus! This award requires a meme which is like no other I've seen before, it has 44 questions for Me-Me to answer. So, without further ado, here goes.....

1. What is your current obsession?
Blogging and all that it encompasses.

2. What are you wearing today?
Pajama pants and a T-shirt.

3. What's for dinner?
Dinner? Hell, I haven't had breakfast yet.

4. What's the last thing you bought?
A birthday gift for my grandson who is turning 3 at the end of the month.

5. What are you listening to right now?
Blind Faith's Sea of Joy.

6. What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Dufus is a true blue blogging buddy! I bow to his awesomeness.

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Telluride, Colorado.

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
A sarong, sandals and a pair of sunglasses.

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Peru.

10. Which language do you want to learn?
French

11. What's your favourite quote?
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thompson

12. Who do you want to meet right now?
Quentin Tarantino.

13. What is your favourite colour?
Purple.

14. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Are you kidding me!

15. What is your dream job?
Owning my own business again.

16. What is your favorite magazine?
Huh, they still print magazines?

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Buffalo meat.

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Anyone with a muffin-top wearing a midriff top. Yeow!

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
Meh.

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
"Take a 1/2 in off the ends."

21. What are you going to do after this?
Comment, comment, comment.

22. What are your favorite movies?
Monty Python's Holy Grail and Life of Brian also Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs.

Congratulations, you're half-way through!

23. What inspires you?
Passion for what one is doing.

24. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Goddess.

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
Coffee with lots of cream and sugar.

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Take a nap.

27. What makes you go wild?
Censored.

28. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
nonamedufus
Quirkyloon
Cat Lady Larew
Lee the Hot Flash Queen
Mrs. Blogsalot
Wizard of Otin
Shalampx Speaks
In Jayne's World
Beyond Left Field
Too Many Mornings
Think Spin
Stir Fry Awesomness
Cute as a Buggy
Mental Poo
Ann's Snap, Edit, Scrap
The Peach Tart
Knucklehead
Freak Smack

Okay, okay - check my blog roll!

29. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
Creme Brulee.

30. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
Three.

31. Favorite Season?
Winter in Arizona.

32. If I come to your house now, what would you cook for me?
Ahi tuna, rice pilaf and steamed asparagus.

33. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Persona non grata.

34. What are you afraid of most?
Rattlesnakes!!!

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Where's my hairbrush?"

36. What brings a smile on your face instantly?
Censored.

37. A word that you say a lot?
Shit!

38. What would you do if you were made President for one day?
Ask to be flown to that secret place the President goes in the case the world is coming to an end.

39. What is the one thing that keeps you going?
PMA - Positive Mental Attitude.

40. What word drives you crazy when you hear it?
Irregardless!

41. What's your least favorite character trait?
Vanity. Check your ego at the door.

42. What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
What? I didn't know there was going to be a test!

43. What do you get when you fall in love?
Oh, god.....divorce.

44. Who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?
The Edsels.

And now, as part of this lengthy, time-consuming meme, I'm supposed to add a question. So...

45. Who is your favorite guitar player of all time?
Duane Allman!

Whew! I made it!

Now, I going to pass this award on to a few bloggers who are awesome followers here at The Screaming Me-Me, whether they make it through this meme or not:

Christiejolu at Tales From My Head
C: at My Virtual Attic
Mr. Stupid at Stupidation

Just one more thing before I close, please bounce over to Knucklehead's to vote for my friend MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings. This is the final post in the Blog-Off 2010, he needs your vote! Thank you.

Caption This! No. 30 Winner!

2010-02-08T10:00:00.007-07:00

Hola amigos! I needed a break so I took a little trip down Mexico way for the weekend. All went well until I hit the freeway closing last night just south of Phoenix which put us almost 2 hours behind schedule. I'm still not to clear with what happened except it had something to do with smuggling illegal aliens and a shoot out. Ay carumba!

On with the show.

This past week's Caption This! brought in 50 clever captions. Thank you all for playing. The Panel has reached their decision and several have received a most-honorable mention.

Ann said:
"Just to give you all a heads up, don't stick your neck out for this guy."

Dave "Loose Cannon" Willis said:
"Mogabe, the devout witch doctor, was gradually making progress with his aspirations to be higher and closer to the gods."

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said:
"They say in our African tribe that our penises are in direct proportion to the length and width of our necks."

FreakSmack said:
"Step right up, step right up! Don't be shy folks, everyone's a winner! Just toss the ring around my neck & win your lady a a prize! Only $5 for 3 throws. Look at how many have already won!"

pcd2k said"
"I've been photo-shopped!"

Now, the winner!

Our winner this week is new to Caption This! Give a big round of applause to Skye over at Weekly Injection of Chuckles because she takes home The Golden Phallus to add to her trophy case. Congratulations, Skye, you are one clever captioner! Be sure to pop over to visit her blog today and welcome her to the neighborhood as well.

"Hmmm, feathers like a bird, neck like a giraffe,
tusks like an elephant, now what am I missing?
Oh yeah, hung like a horse!"

I Shot A Man In Reno.....

2010-02-06T05:48:00.003-07:00

Sorry, folks, it was bound to happen sooner or later...I've had to leave the country. I'm afraid today's regular featured post has been preempted as I have to make my wake to the border.

The winner of this week's Caption This! will not appear until Monday, see you then!!!

Sheeple, Bah-Bah-Bah

2010-02-05T08:04:00.005-07:00

In a former life, I worked for several think tanks on Capital Hill as a campaign consultant. One of my many charges on any given campaign was to oversee the advertising. There were those times when I actually had to write and direct the message which was to appeal to the voters. That was many years ago, but even today during any election I still tend to critique political advertising - the good and the bad.

Last night, as I was scanning the Internet news, I came across a California Republican primary ad where Carly Fiorina has launched her attack against her opponent, Tom Campbell. Once you take a look at the ad below, which was just released yesterday, you'll understand why this video has already gone viral.

Some analysts have tagged this ad as being "terrifying" or "psychedelic". Don't worry, I'm not going to give you my blow-by-blow opinion, I know you don't have all day. However, whether you are politically minded or not, Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or whatever, this ad is definitely worth watching and then you can decide for yourself.

Here take a look.....

Well, what do you think?

Have You Heard?

2010-02-04T07:58:00.007-07:00

Here are a couple of news items you may find interesting.....

PHOENIX--Elementary principal, Ron Sterr, composed a letter to the parents of the children attending Litchfield Elementary school. Intending to be a joke, the letter was handed out to the teachers. The letter stated in part.....

"The math we do is really easy, if your child is either too lazy or too stupid to finish it in class, I'm sending it home so that you can work with them and judge for yourself whether it is laziness or idiocy that inhibits your child's progress."

However, one 2nd grade teacher failed to understand Sterr's intent and sent the letter home with her students. As a result, Sterr has been suspended from his duties and is facing a possible demotion or termination.

I feel the real story here is in the teacher who sent the letter home. How could you read such a letter and think it appropriate to be sent home to the parents without questioning the principal first? Don't they have staff meetings or a teacher's lounge where things like these are discussed? Either this teacher did not read the letter or, if she did, she just didn't get it. Geeez, talk about being stupid.

PHOENIX-- The Screaming Me-Me!!!, a humor blog, has been presented the Beautiful Blogger Award by Arizona blogger Chickenista who writes The Next Step. When finally reached for comment, blogger MadMadMargo said.....

"I would like to thank Chickenista for this lovely award. I appreciate the recognition. Thank you so much for thinking of me."

When asked why all the conditions of receiving the award were not met, MMM went on to say.....

"Although I may not follow all of the rules, this award is important to me and will take a starring role on my sidebar feature, The Award Show."

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 30

2010-02-03T07:51:00.003-07:00

Here we are again, it's time to play Caption This! Take a good look at the photos below, enter as many clever captions as you like, then return here on Saturday when the winner of The Golden Phallus will be announced.

What is this guy trying to tell us?

Now that you are all done here, pop on over to Dufus' place for more captioning fun!

Crime Buster!!!

2010-02-02T06:42:00.009-07:00

On any given day, one of the first things I do each morning is take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. But, yesterday was different, I got so busy it wasn't until after 8 PM when I found the time to go outside. My neighborhood is a quiet and established area with beautiful old homes which have either been well cared for or remodeled. So, walking after dark is really never a problem.

One of the places on my route is a church with a huge parking lot that I usually cut through on my way back home. Last night I noticed two guys sitting in a truck which had been backed in to a space along the backside as I entered the lot. "Okay", I thought, "just keep your eyes forward and walk as if you're on a mission." I got within 10 feet of the truck when both doors flew opened, the guys exited the truck and were standing there with one foot still in the truck. Uh oh, their eyes were on me.

I had to think fast. "Have you seen a man walking a large dog come through here?" I said this hoping they would think I wasn't alone, that I was looking for my husband who was walking our large, ferocious dog - I have neither. They grunted, "No". I said, "Thanks", and kept walking, faster and faster. As I reached the other side of the parking lot, I noticed a Volvo and, through the shadows, I saw a hose which stretched from the gas tank to a gas can sitting on the ground. Holy crap, these guys are siphoning gas!

Upon leaving the lot, my route took me out of their line of sight and my brisk walk became a dead on run for the last block before I reached my home. I fumbled for my keys, unlocked the door and dialed 9-1-1. "What's your emergency?", the dispatcher asked. I quickly explained to her what I had just witnessed and she said she was sending out a unit to investigate. I hung up the phone however, my curiosity got the best of me.

I headed out back down the street to watch while staying out of the line of fire. Within 30 seconds here comes two police cars - one entered from one side of the lot and one entered the side close to where I was standing. I moved in closer. As the cops approached the truck, the doors opened and the guys began to flee the scene. The chase was on! These guys did not get very far before they were tackled to the ground. Wow!

I moved in a little closer when a third police car pulled up right next to me. I quickly said, "I'm the one who made the call", the officer pulled on into the lot next to the Volvo. Next thing I know, a helicopter is overhead with its beacon shining all around. Damn! The guys were then placed into the patrol cars then the cops searched their truck. On the back of the truck was a camper shell and from the inside they pulled out seven 5-gallon gas cans. Holy crap, these guys are professionals!

As the police were wrapping things up, I was feeling pretty proud of myself and decided to head back to the house. I looked at the clock, checked the TV schedule and had just settled in when a knock came at the door, "Phoenix Police". We had a brief conversation where I learned these guys apparently had been working the neighborhood for the past week or so due to the number of reports made. That's 40 gallons per haul at $2.69 per gallon. The officer told me that often times the gas is sold at half the pump price to friends and associates and this is an activity which happens all over the valley of the sun. What a way to make a living.

Now that this post is finished, it's time for my walk. Watch out criminals, here I come!

Me-Me's Neighborhood No. 5

2010-02-01T07:46:00.008-07:00

Ohhhhh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

Today's featured neighbor is no stranger to most of you. However, there may be some of you who have never visited her before. Regardless, please drop by her place today for a visit and make her feel welcomed. And, be sure to drop her a note and "follow" her, it's the neighborly thing to do.

I would like you all to know Cat Lady Larew. Now, she's no ordinary cat lady. There's something very unique about her...she has no cats. That's right, no cats. Her blog, How to Become a Cat Lady...Without the Cats has been an absolute favorite of mine over the past several months. She absolutely cracks me up! Talk about a quick wit, even the comments she leaves around the blogosphere are hilarious. If you don't believe me, pop over and read a recent post of hers, Felt and Impressions of Tuva, where she had everyone going, including myself.

Here's a little something from her profile to give you an idea of what you could be missing:

One day I woke up and discovered I had become a cat lady... just without the cats. Like a crazy cat lady's house, my brain is a cluttered jumble of thoughts, ideas and memories. I write to sort through some of the clutter in my brain. Oh, yeah... and to get attention!

Sounds intriguing, doesn't it?

Also, Cat Lady Larew is one fierce competitor. You'll see her around during the week submitting to and winning caption contests. No, she hasn't won The Golden Phallus yet, but she's usually a recipient of a most-honorable mention. However, with her perseverance, I'm sure she's just a contest or two away from taking home the coveted prize.

Now, here's a something I've not done before in this series. Yesterday I received the "Happy 101" award from my dear, dear friend Quirky. Quirkyloon is also a great neighbor and friend of Cat Lady's. Anyway, I would love to pass this award along to Cat Lady Larew, because she's a "cupcake" of a gal. No doubt about it, she's the real deal, a true blue follower of many, many blogs. Here's to you, Cat Lady Larew....thank you for being such a great neighbor!!!

So, grab a Diet Dr. Pepper and head on over to How to Become a Cat Lady...Without the Cats, settle in for a good laugh and show her some bloggy love by welcoming her to your neighborhood.

Douche Lord

2010-01-31T06:39:00.009-07:00

Friday night I watched Andrew Young on 20/20 as he exposed "the truth" regarding his role in covering up Senator John Edwards' affair with Richelle Hunter. I'm not going into all the details of that interview here because I'm sure you are just as sick of hearing about this as I am. However, I am going to give you the bottom line. Take a good look at this man.

Douche Lord

What is a douche lord? I'm glad you asked. According to the definitions published by Urban Dictionary, Senator Edwards is a prime candidate for such a label. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if they placed his picture next to the definitions which have been submitted for further clarification.

1. douche lord An extreme version of the term douche bag (a demeaning obscenity using reference to a tool women use during their period). A douche lord would reference that a person is beyond a douche bag- and requires a more demeaning term.

2. douche lord Someone who is such a Douche bag that douche bag doesn't sufficiently describe their level of douche baggery.

Also see: douche bag, asshole, tool, moron, dick head, jackass, fucktard, John Edwards.

Each week I have a different theme on my sidebar. If you've never paid attention before, now is a good time to take a look. I use a South Park generator to depict a personality under the header About Me and, a little further down, a related YouTube video to round it out. This week's theme is dedicated to John Edwards and Richelle Hunter. Enjoy!

Caption This! No. 29 Winner!

2010-01-30T07:51:00.008-07:00

Wooo-hooo! Or should I say, Mooo-Mooo! When I put this week's photo up I honestly thought there would be no way you all could top yourselves over last week's captions. Man, I was wrong. You people are freakin' hilarious!

The Panel has given many a nod this week to those receiving a most-honorable mention. Give a round of applause to:

Cat Lady Larew said:
"Is that your udder, or are you just REALLY glad to see me?"

Nooter said:
"Uncle henrys latest obsession is to become the mascot for dell computers."

Mrs. Blogalot said:
"I got something them cow tippers ain't never gonna ferget."

Tgoette said:
"Sure we all know the happy cows from California and the miserable cows from Wisconsin, but little was known about the wild militia cows from Montana."

C: said:
"Charlie "Holstein" MacGuernsey, veteran of the viscous "Vegan Rebellion of 2014," poses amidst his plunder for the media."

Now, the winner.....

This blogger is no stranger to Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! In fact, this is the 3rd time The Panel has awarded The Golden Phallus to Freak Smack. Can you say 3-peat? Congratulations Freak Smack!!!

You all really must visit his blog, Smack A Freak. I go there all the time to take a peak of all the criminal mug shots he posts. For some reason, he seems to post quite a few from Maricopa County, which is scary, that's where I live. Now, go on over and check him out.

The winning caption.....

"I'll be DAMNED if I'm just going to sit back and watch
as aliens anal probe me and my herd again!"

Thank you all for playing! Be sure to drop back by on Wednesday for another edition of Caption This!

Good Housekeeping

2010-01-29T08:39:00.009-07:00

Do you recognize her? That's Rosie, she was the robotic maid for the Jetsons. I believe Rosie may have been the original Roomba. Here's a 30-second commercial where Rosie proves herself to be more than just a maid.....

Now for some housekeeping of my own.....

Along with many of the folks who visit here, I have been nominated for a "Best of Blogs" award over at Studio 30 Plus. Yeah, yeah, some of you have already voted and I thank you, but most of you have not voted yet and the deadline is near. So, if you would be so kind, pop on over and vote here. Thank you very much!!!

Our featured neighbor this week, MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings, has made it to the next round for Knucklehead's Blog-Off 2010. Congratulations, Mike, well done! Thanks to all of you who took the time to read Mike's entry and voted. He moves on to the next round which begins Sunday.

Caption, caption, caption! If you have not entered your caption for this week's Caption This!, there's still time. So, go here to add your caption today, The Golden Phallus will be awarded tomorrow. Good luck!

Finally, thank you all for being so awesome to visit me here. I appreciate it so much. If you are not already stalking me, please do so with one simple click.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Ice & Snow: Take It Slow!

2010-01-28T11:54:00.008-07:00

This is one man's rant which appeared somewhere and sent to me by a friend. I thought it was hilarious and decided to pass it along to you good folks.....enjoy!

Are you intimidated by winter driving? What the hell are you doing up here then? Do you know where you are? This isn't the fucking jungle or desert.

You inevitably pull out in front of me when there's no one behind me, and you could've waited another 15 seconds to not make anyone slam on their brakes on ice and snow. You then continue to drive really slow, say less than half the speed limit. No one in their right mind would pass someone on roads with a 2 ft snow drift in the median during a snow storm. So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, party, or wherever you're headed that's OK be late to. Yes, I realize that driving on slippery roads and in low visibility can be scary, so I appreciate you driving within your limits. However, don't pull out in front of a car when you know you're not going to at least go the speed limit! Just wait another 30 seconds maybe (since you obviously aren't in a hurry anyway), and you won't ruin someone elses' day.

Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, and real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! It's a common courtesy. If the shoulder has been replaced by a 14 ft wall of plowed snow (as we all know happens up here), find a decently plowed side road to pull on to for a minute. Don't be surprised or offended when you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns out of the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half that are now passing you.

Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier:

1. Your winter driving confidence will grow 10 fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try a used Subaru. They're all wheel drive, cheap, and fuel efficient.

2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see what exactly your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot Sunday evening outside of town.

3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? Get some snow tires! At least for the front two wheels, but better yet all of your wheels could use them. You will be amazed at what a good set of snow tires actually do for your driving and confidence. There's a reason why they're popular up here.

4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. Shit!

5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility to low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose another $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the roads for the rest of us. Stay home and watch game shows and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night.

6. Don't like option #5? Take a cab! Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. They do this for a living and they're really quite nice people. Besides, the cab ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. Plus you save the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition while passing you.

7. Move to the South. I bet you'd fit in there anyway. Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money. You can keep your Buick, too!

I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this, at least not many of them. First you have to get a computer. Then resist the urge to pawn it for casino money. If you know any of these assholes, tell them what you think about following them at 20 mph on Highway 41 or M28 for two goddamn hours. Thanks!

I'll see you on the road!

Me-Me's Neighborhood Caption This! No. 29

2010-01-27T08:21:00.004-07:00

Yes, it's Wednesday already and time for another round of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! For you first-timers - take a look at the photo below, enter as many captions as you like and return on Saturday as The Impartial Panel of Three hands down their decision of who wins The Golden Phallus.

click on photo for a closer look.....

Now that you are done here, pop on over to Dufus' place for more captioning fun!

A Girl Can Dream, Can't She?

2010-01-26T06:09:00.027-07:00

Ahhhh, to live a life of luxury, one can always dream. For those of us who may never accumulate the wealth it would take to do so, there's always the Internet to help us dream.

I do, however, have the luxury of time. Time to browse the Internet to shop for those things that I would have provided I had the means. There are so many "design your own" generators that one can configure their luxury items and, for a moment, live the good life. As you peruse my finds, feel free to click on the links to design your own and on any photo to biggify....that's what moooooog said.

For example, the ultimate dream car.....

That, my friends, is the Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport. The color? Why Chocolate, of course. The cost? $2 million. Can you imagine going to the grocery store or picking up the kids from soccer practice in this baby?! This car absolutely screams theme song. Yes, you can program the sound system to play your theme song each and every time you start the engine. Me? I'd play Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild. Note: For you Barry Manilow lovers, I suggest a Chevy Cobalt.

Give me a moment.....the wind in my hair, the roar of the engine, the sound of a police car's siren, the thrust of acceleration as I flee.....yeahhhhh!

Then, there are the simple things. A girl can never have too many shoes. For those of you that may not know, I hung my corporate heels up years ago. Now, on any given day, you'll find a pair of Converse on my feet. No, not the traditional red high tops. I'm talkin' about one the hundreds of designs you can have by just clicking a few buttons.

The cool thing about the Converse generator is you can design every aspect of these shoes: colors, prints, laces, linings, etc. And, if you're really adventurous, you can even personalize them with your own I.D., notice the "Scream" on the side of this shoe. The design? Yes, those are pink skull and crossbones, it's my version of Chanel. The cost? $62. Just think of the hundreds of pairs you could have if money were no object. Pop on over to design yours and don't forget the other members of your family, they'll want 30-40 pairs too.

Well, that's just a couple of examples out there where you can live the dream without leaving your laptop. It's fun, it's easy, it's free. Give it a try. And, for those of you who are dreamers like me, if you have a favorite design generator, please let me know. I just love dreaming.

And, speaking of dreaming, do you dream of winning The Golden Phallus? Join me tomorrow for another edition of Caption This!. Your dreams could come true.

Me-Me's Neighborhood No. 4

2010-01-25T07:00:00.003-07:00

Ohhhhh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

Today's featured neighbor is no stranger to the blogosphere. As you leave comments here and there, you have probably seen him around from time-to-time. Please drop by his place today for a visit and make him feel welcomed. Be sure to drop him a note, it's the neighborly thing to do.

I first met MikeWJ through Humor Bloggers Dot Com. His blog has been a favorite of mine for quite some time. Yeah, we're bloggin' buddies for sure! If he's not already on your regular route, I'm sure you'll find his writing worth adding Too Many Mornings to your rounds.

Don't believe me? Well try this on for size.....

I killed a man down in LoDo one night. Beat him to death with my hickory because I spilled my drink when he elbowed me and he wouldn’t apologize for it. He deserved what he got, but the judge disagreed and put me in the hole for a long time.

I didn’t like it at the federal pen in Canon City, especially the showers and the food, but there was an upside: I learned how to read and write, earned my high school diploma, and figured out my public defender made some mistakes at my trial. Now I’m free again, and I’ve got a blog where I can say anything I want, even if not a word of it’s true.

Currently, MikeWJ is one of the last bloggers standing in the Blog-Off 2010 being held over at Knucklehead's. Please give MikeWJ's latest entry, Gluteus Maximus Discovers the Mystical Shroud of Tourin', a read. This piece is absolutely hysterical, something anyone who has ever taken a car trip with the family can relate to. Then make your way over to Knucklehead's to vote!

Trust me, once you leave MikeWJ a comment, he will stalk you forever! Now, get goin', there's nothing more to see here.

Hello Mr. Sunshine!

2010-01-24T08:18:00.004-07:00

The rains are gone. The sky is blue. The sun is out. While I'm unloading the ark today, please enjoy this little tune by Billie Holiday, Stormy Weather. For the past week this song played over and over in my head.

Please join me tomorrow as I spotlight another blogger from the neighborhood.

Caption This! No. 28 Winner!

2010-01-23T06:39:00.009-07:00

To borrow a phrase from Frank Zappa, good googly moogly! This week's photo for Caption This! brought in over 40 great captions! Thank you all so much for playing. And a special thank you to all the first-timers who stopped by and gave this little game a shot.

The Impartial Panel of Three has been going back-and-forth over the past few days trying to decide on the winning caption. Honestly, I would not want to be in their shoes. Good googly moogly, did you all take some kind of pill which caused you to be so creative? Wow, great job everyone!

Before we get to the winning caption, The Panel would like for me to recognize the following for their efforts. Those receiving a most-honorable mention are:

moooooog said:
"The Kirstie Alley Fan Club."

Freak Smack said:
- Haiti's New Earthquake Safety Poster -
"In the case of severe ground Shaking, grab the nearest immovable object and hold on for dear life."

The mad woman behind the blog said:
Oh My Gawd Becky, look at that butt. It is so big.
"I like big butts, and I cannot lie, You other brothers can't deny...."

C: said:
"I can hear the ocean!"

Mike WJ said:
Minutes after recovering his missing wristwatch, Tim posed for a quick photo with Trudy and her proctologist.

To read all the hilarious entries, go here.

We have a winner!

There can be only one winner, folks. This week's winner of Caption This! is no stranger to The Screaming Me-Me. He's the only blogger I know who maintains not one, not two, but three blogs. Everyone, give Dufus a big hand! This is his second win here and, once again, takes home the coveted Golden Phallus for his trophy case. Congratulations!!! If you've never stopped by nonamedufus, you really ought to, especially on Wednesday when he offers his caption contest Pause, Ponder and Pun.

Now, the winning caption.....

"Vice cops Sgt Brown and Lt Kruger display their latest haul -
80 lbs of crack."

For those of you who have not voted yet, please stop by Studio 30 Plus today and vote for The Screaming Me-Me!!! which has been nominated for "Best Blog Design/Layout". Plus, you may find some of your other blogging buddies have been nominated in various other categories as well. C'mon, it will only take a minute of your time to vote here.

Enjoy your weekend!

Quotable: Mel Brooks

2010-01-22T10:09:00.005-07:00

Mel Brooks is a member of the short list of entertainers with the distinction of having won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony award. Three of his films (Blazing Saddles, The Producers and Young Frankenstein) ranked in the Top 20 on the American Film Institute's list of the Top 100 comedy films of all-time. --Wikipedia

1. Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

2. I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

3. If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.

4. If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.

5. Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

6. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.

7. He who hesitates is poor.

8. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

9. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

10. Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall

2010-01-21T08:05:00.004-07:00

Holy moly! I do believe it's time to build a really big boat and gather all the animals two-by-two, except for the snakes. It's pouring rain here in the desert. It began raining just after mid-night and will continue today until we hit the 2 inch mark. And that's not all, we are also under a high wind warning with wind speeds of 65 mph expected. Whoa!

The one prediction you can count on out here when we get this much rain is the featured story during the 6 o'clock news. There is always that one idiot who feels they can cross a flooded 4' wash. Man, I just love watching a good rescue, helicopters and all.

Don't worry, Quirky, I'll bring the boat around for you and your quirky family.

Yesterday, when I was out making the rounds, The Peach Tart and In Jayne's World asked their readers to vote for them in a "Best of Blogs" over at Studio 30 Plus. So, I went over to do my part and, lo and behold, I discovered The Screaming Me-Me!!! had been nominated for Best Blog Design/Layout. I would really appreciate if you would pop over today and vote, it only takes a minute to sign up.

Also nominated are some of my readers who stop by here regularly:

Indigo Wrath
moooooog's Mental Poo
The Soggy Doggy
The Offended Blogger
Musings of a QuirkyLoon
The Hussy Housewife
In Jayne's World
The Peach Tart
Wizard of Otin
The Screaming Me-Me!!!

We would all really appreciate your vote - now, go here and get 'er done!

And, as a reminder, Caption This! No. 28 is still open. Be sure to pop on over and enter your caption for this week's photo. If nothing else, you will die laughing reading those captions which have already been submitted. Go here.

Well, this is it for now. I've got to go and empty the buckets!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 28

2010-01-20T06:10:00.004-07:00

Welcome and thanks for stopping by to play another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!

Take a look at the photo below and give it your best captions, enter as often as you'd like.

Be sure to check back on Saturday when the decision of The Impartial Panel of Three hands down their decision. The prize? The Golden Phallus.

Good luck!

Once you've finished here, stop on by Dufus' place for more caption action.

Me-Me's Neighborhood No.3

2010-01-18T07:24:00.014-07:00

Ohhhhh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

Today's featured neighbor is rather new here to the neighborhood. Please drop by her place today for a visit and make her feel welcomed. Simply drop her a note and "follow" her, it's the neighborly thing to do.

Kelly first stopped by here for a visit back when I was doing that series from hell, The Fractured ABC's of Christmas. On that particular day the letter was C - C is for Comment. I was bitching and moaning and challenged my readers, I wanted 50 comments. One of those who answered my cry for attention was Kelly.....

"A challenge! I love challenges! So here's my comment and I can't wait to see you visiting my dreary little blog. It's not really dreary. I just don't receive a lot of comments. Or followers. And now I sound like I'm whining and fishing for attention. Which I am."

After reading her comment, I immediately went over to Kelly's Kvetch of the Day. Now, I had been challenged - a challenge to the challenge. I began reading her latest post, A Gift That Keeps on Giving. I was rolling, in the first paragraph she talked about how she liked to see pictures of a fellow blogger's dog humping the cat because she's kinky like that. Plus, she refers to her two children as Thing 1 and Thing 2!! Her writing style coupled with what she has to say is hilarious. After I clicked the "follow" button, I left Kelly this comment.....

"You are hysterical!!! I decided to read your post out loud like a Cali-girl and it was the most fun I've had all day!!!"

What a perfect fit Kelly is for the neighborhood. You will love her! So make her feel welcomed - pop on over, click that "follow" button and give her a great big "howdy".

Feelin' The Love

2010-01-17T08:19:00.005-07:00

I am takin' care of a little business this morning because I have received a couple of awards and I would like to give thanks and recognition to those who thought enough of me to include me in their presentations.

This first award comes from a very special gal, a fellow Arizonan - Christiejolu over at Tales From My Head! This is also my very first award for 2010. See the crown? I rule!!! Thank you so much, Christiejolu, you rock! And does she ever, she's and I are both die-hard fans of Alice and Chains.

My second award was presented to me by my long-time blogging buddy Dufus over at nonamedufus. Although Dufus and I have had our differences in the past, mostly due to time zones, he feels right at home here at The Screaming Me-Me. Thank you, Dufus, you also rock! This is evident by his knowledge of rock 'n roll over at his blog dufusdownbeat where he is truly the master.

This morning I'm feelin' the love.

Caption This! No. 27 Winner!

2010-01-16T05:24:00.007-07:00

My-o-my! This week's photo certainly brought in a "rash" of responses. Thank you all for playing Caption This! The Panel has handed down their decision; however, we do have a few players who have received a most-honorable mention. Let's get to it, shall we?

The following folks submitted very creative captions, congratulations y'all!

Dufus said:
"Sven the midwife takes a moment to celebrate the delivery of Sarah's little bundle of joy."

moooooog said:
"It was on or around this time that we had to make Lou stop feeding the piranhas for his own good."

Geek Girl said:
"Holy Itchy Arms from Hell, Batman. That's the last time I hump a tree."

Marvin said:
"Mama warned me about shagging on the carpet. Shit and ouch! - look at these rug burns!"

We have a winner!

This week's Caption This! winner is a blogging buddy who I originally met through Entrecard. Her blog, Think Spin, is a satirical slant on culture, life, and society, in addition to humorous/ironic commentary. Trust me, she's one funny lady. Lauren, please stand up and take bow. Congratulations! You take home The Golden Phallus to add to your trophy case. Everyone, be sure to drop by Lauren's place today and give her a high-five!

Now, the winning caption!

"Dirk the dumb ass put his elbows on the table at Benihana's
Steak House and then proceeded to get grilled by the chef."

Thank you all again for playing, see you next time!

Web Redemption

2010-01-14T07:11:00.008-07:00

Do you all remember that kid David who went to the dentist last year? Remember how his dad video taped the effects the drugs had? "Is this real life?" If you never saw this viral video, I posted it last February and you can see it here.

Well, last night on Comedy Central's Tosh.O, David got his revenge. For those of you who have never watched Tosh.O's program, you are really missing some great comedy. This guy is freakin' hilarious, he says what everyone is really thinking. Check your local listings or you can visit his blog here.

Anyway, take a couple of minutes to watch, this is funny as hell! UPDATE: If you live in Canada, you won't be able to view this video. Sorry, you're S.O.L.

Tosh.0

David After 'David After Dentist'

www.comedycentral.com

Web Redemption

2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction

Demi Moore Picture

By the way, if you haven't entered your caption for this week's Caption This!, you can do so here.

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 27

2010-01-13T08:47:00.003-07:00

Here we are again, it's Wednesday and time for Caption This!

Amaze your friends and family! You will take home the coveted Golden Phallus if you're able to impress The Impartial Panel of Three with your most-clever caption. Be sure to enter often and check back here on Saturday when the winner is announced.

So, what's up with this guy?

Please drop by Dufus' Place for more cockamamy captioning!

Me-Me's Neighborhood No. 2

2010-01-12T07:34:00.010-07:00

Last week you were introduced to my new feature called, Me-Me's Neighborhood. Think of it as a neighborhood party. You know most everyone, but there are still a few neighbors you haven't had the pleasure of meeting just yet. Who knows, you might be surprised by a common interest you share plus it's always nice to make new friends. All I ask is that you welcome them to the neighborhood by visiting and leaving a little note to let them know you stopped by.

Ohhhhh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

Remember when you first started blogging and how excited you were when the first couple of people sent you a friend request via BlogCatalog? Then their faces appeared on your followers widget? As a newbie, you are elated that someone out there actually likes what you are doing, you feel validated. For me, these are the people I remember vividly.

Well, today's featured neighbor has been stalking me from the very beginning. I'd like to introduce you all to RedRaider (aka Don) over at Beyond Left Field. Not only has Don been there since I entered the blogosphere, but he was also the first to ever review my blog in his feature, a pimp post for discerning taste, The Sunday Suck-Up Times. After reading his glowing review of The Screaming Me-Me, I was thrilled. I knew then I had arrived!

Beyond Left Field is a southern man's daily rant. Don's sardonic humor and writing style truly draw the reader in. Believe you me, he holds nothing back. It's raw, it's engaging and downright funny. Being from the south myself, visiting with Don each day is like a big dose of down home. I totally relate and I'm sure you will too.

When you visit Beyond Left Field today you'll notice his motto, "I only do that which I do best which is why I do very little." Don't you believe it. Don also wears the hat of administrator over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com and has been my knight in shining armor a couple of times when I've gotten into technical trouble. Ah, I found his soft spot, the southern gentleman emerges when there's a damsel in distress.

I'm know many of you already follow Don, but for those of you who have never visited, please click on over and give him a great big howdy!

Born Under A Bad Sign

2010-01-11T11:12:00.010-07:00

Hello all - Isn't funny when you read your horoscope and you know it's so far off the mark that just you roll your eyes and mutter yeah right, but secretly you wish someone will show at your door with a large check to end your financial woes? Of course, the check never arrives, but for a fleeting moment - you had hope as you planned how you would actually spend the money.

Well, here's my horoscope for today.....

Dear Leo,

You may have all kinds of big ideas about how you can express yourself today. You want to be magnificently creative in your actions, but it could be inappropriate if your responsibilities need to come first. Transform your frustration into productivity because you'll have the greatest positive impact on your own self-esteem now by attending to unfinished business.

How odd...I do have some pressing unfinished business I must attend to today. For once, my horoscope was right on. Unfortunately, this will take me away from the blogoshere today, but I will be back tomorrow with all my big creative ideas.

Ciao!

Caption This! No. 26 Winner!

2010-01-09T06:07:00.011-07:00

Yesterday was pretty weird here around my place. Just minutes after I published yesterday's post, the cable went out. In my household I "bundle" with a cable company which provides my telephone, internet and television. The first couple of hours I was picking up the phone, checking the TV and looking for an internet connection every 5 minutes. Nothing, zip, nada. It was so quiet here, it was freaky. During the night as I slept, the service was restored.

This is funny.....in my inbox was an email from the cable company alerting me there had been a cable cut in my neighborhood and they are working diligently to restore service. Huh? Thanks cable company, I appreciate you letting me know at a time when it was impossible to receive your email. Morons! At least you could have called. *smirk*

Anyway, on with the show.....

Wow, thank you all very much for playing this week's edition of Caption This! I see we had some first-time players this week - welcome, hope to see you here again next week as well.

The Panel has made their decision. But, before we get to the winning caption, we have a few most-honorable mentions to announce. The following have received a nod:

Freak Smack had a couple of great submissions, one being
♫ Oh, I wish I were an Os-car Meyer Wie - ner
That is what I'd tru-ly like to be
'cause if I were an Os-car Mey-er Wie - ner
I wouldn't have this dick in me. ♫

Mr. Knucklehead said:
"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, and THIS little piggy took it in the rump from a cross-dressing geezer. All the way home. "

Lauren said:
"The Divine Miss Swine gets porked by Grandpa Fancy Panties."

C: said:
"Oh, Ha-ha, Asshole! I got yer "Makin' Bacon" right here!"

We have a wiener, I mean, a winner.....

As you can see, The Panel's decision was not an easy one this week. Our winner is new to our little contest and our congratulations goes to....Fragrant Liar. Wooo-hooo! Her caption was simple and to the point. You really must visit her and follow today...her blog is A Grin Cheese on Wry with a Side of ROFLMAO. Here's to you, Fragrant Liar, you take home The Golden Phallus. Display it proudly, show the world you are one bad-ass!

Now, the winning caption.....

Pork you very much!

bedee-bedee-bedee, That's all folks.....

Loose Change

2010-01-08T05:22:00.008-07:00

You know how it is, during our day-to-day lives, we are constantly collecting data. Every now and then when I find something kindda cool, I write it down on a piece of, god only knows what, scratch paper and then throw it in the center drawer after it sits on top of my desk for 2-3 days. So, at least every 4 maybe 5 or 6 months, I get motivated and clean out the drawer.

Today is the day! 2 pairs of glasses, business cards, CDs, loose change.....well, I've got my trash can ready and the rest of the day.

Piles. I make lots of piles. Let's see, there's the interesting facts pile, the "To Do" list pile (*snort*, yeah right) and the "WTF?" pile. WTF? is the largest.

Louie, Louie
111-66-999-66

Then I find the occasional grocery list. The fact that I even make a grocery list is laughable. Anyway, what trip was I on when I wrote down these four items: Avocado, duct tape, extension cord and a plastic comb? Am I going to cook? Or am I making a bomb?

survival-center.com

Oh, there's the AA battery pile. So far the count is five, the sixth one is bound to turn up. Don't they usually work in pairs? Now, I have to test each one. Any bets on whether or not any of them work? Hell, I'll even put 5-bucks on that.

St. Patrick was not Irish.

I need a shoebox lid to keep my pens, pencils and other accoutrement necessary to make my life more simple when I'm in desk world. Can I get a show of hands? How many of you have a pair of tweezers at your desk? You wouldn't believe the number of uses this tool has, it's amazing. I highly recommend you get a pair.

Stephan Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

So Long, Farewell.....

2010-01-07T06:14:00.010-07:00

I quit!
Yep, stick me with a fork, I'm done!

After almost a year of click, click, clicking, I have canceled my account with Entrecard. So, to all you good people who actually stopped, dropped, read and commented - I thank you! I do hope you will continue to visit me and I promise I'll visit you as well. But, to those of you that just stopped, dropped and rolled on out of here - see ya!

What a load off my shoulders, not to mention my wrist. This will now free me up an hour and a half each and every day. This is time that will be much better spent visiting blogs and commenting. Look out, here I come!

If you haven't enter your caption for this week's Caption This!, click on over and give it a shot for your chance to win The Golden Phallus!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 26

2010-01-06T06:20:00.003-07:00

Okay, boys and girls it's time for.....

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 26

Wooohooo!

Please take a look at this week's photo and give it your best shot. Remember, you may enter as often as you like. The Impartial Panel of Three will hand down its decision and the winner will be announced here on Saturday. The winner takes home the The Golden Phallus, the coveted trophy.

Good luck!

Oh, if you love captioning contests, be sure to check out Dufus' place for more fun!

Quotable: W. C. Fields

2010-01-05T08:02:00.003-07:00

Fields’s screen character was often fond of alcohol and this trait has become part of the Fields legend. In his younger days as a juggler, Fields himself never drank, because he didn’t want to impair his functions while performing. The loneliness of his constant touring and traveling, however, compelled Fields to keep liquor on hand for fellow performers, so he could invite them to his dressing room for companionship and cocktails. Only then did Fields cultivate a fondness for alcohol. ---Wikipedia

1. I can't stand water because of the things fish do in it.

2. I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

3. No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

4. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

5. Never give a sucker an even break.

6. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

7. There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

8. Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

9. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

10. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

11. Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

12. Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

13. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Me-Me's Neighborhood No. 1

2010-01-04T07:44:00.008-07:00

The new year brings a new feature to The Screaming Me-Me, Me-Me's Neighborhood.

Think of it as a neighborhood party. You know most everyone, but there are still a few neighbors you haven't had the pleasure of meeting just yet. Who knows, you might be surprised by the common interest you share plus it's always nice to make new friends. All I ask is that you welcome them to the neighborhood by visiting and leaving a little note to let them know you stopped by.

Ohhhhh, who are the people in your neighborhood?

To kick things off, I'd would like to introduce you to dufusdownbeat. I know what you're thinking , "But we already know Dufus". Well, you may know nonamedufus of Humor Bloggers Dot Com fame, but you may not be aware of one of his other two blogs, dufusdownbeat.

dufusdownbeat is a blog dedicated to rock 'n roll music. His knowledge is vast when it comes to the music of eras gone by. Let me tell you, if there were ever a Rock 'n Roll Jeopardy, Dufus would definitely take the championship title. Plus, he always provides a video of his featured artist. I find it's a nice break in the day to stop, listen and reminisce.

"Tune in, turn on.....Our goal here is to enjoy rediscovering some great music from days gone by while learning a little about the artists - perhaps some trivia or little known fact. Weekends are usually reserved for odd or offbeat tunes and performances." ---dufusdownbeat

If you are a child of the 60's or 70's or if you just love rock 'n roll music, this is a blog for you. dufusdownbeat has started the new year in a new home. So, be sure to take a good look around while you are there. Oh, and don't forget to say, "howdy"!

Gimme That Old Time Religion...Ha!

2010-01-03T06:44:00.008-07:00

People of the flock, are you looking for answers to questions where organized religions and governments have failed you? Are you looking for money, weird sex and sheer power over others? Well, look no further.

You may have noticed the picture on my sidebar of Bob Dobbs. I'm sure you are all wondering, "Just who is Bob Dobbs?" J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is the greatest salesman that has ever lived, he has cheated death several times and is the figurehead of the Church of the Sub-Genius. Bob Dobbs is the savior of 'slack'.

I hear you, "Me-Me, just what is the Church of the Sub-Genius?". Thank you for asking. The Church of the Sub-Genius is a mutant offshoot of Discordianism launched in 1981 as a spoof of fundamentalist Christianity led by the 'Reverend' Ivan Stang. Much Sub-Genius theory is concerned with the acquisition of the mystical substance or quality of 'slack'.

I know, your wheels are spinning. The essence of 'slack' it a state of laziness, the absence of work or thought. Or, as it has been described, to be a divine state of infinite mental inactivity, right up there with hibernation, or the concept of nirvana. In the church of the sub-geniustrue, 'slack' is the ultimate goal and surpasses any pleasure of the flesh or mind.

Take charge of your life, friends. I invite you to further explore The Church of the Sub-Genius. Become a member of this lucrative cult, sign up today and save $5000! You will instantly become an ordained minister. In addition to the propaganda pamphlets, you will receive a wallet-sized minister's card which allows you perform weddings - legally. No salesman will call.

Praise Bob!

Caption This! No. 25 Winner!

2010-01-02T07:55:00.007-07:00

Happy New Year!!!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year's celebration. I know I did. That's why I wasn't around yesterday, I was still in blue moon mode. I celebrated by participating in a progressive dinner where 20 friends went from house-to-house for each of the six courses. The timing was perfect as we rang in the new year with desert. It was fabulous!

On with the show.....

Thank you all for playing Caption This! The Panel has made their decision. The following have been given a nod by The Panel by receiving a most-honorable mention.

moooooog said:
"OMG OMG OMG someone PLEASE tell us that you brought a bag of Doritos."

The Old Silly said:
"You think we're stupid? Like we can't count or something? You said 36 dime bags, scumbag ... there's only 35 here. We get back to our boys with one missing and they'll KNOW we've been skimming."

Leeuna said:
"Skanktown's Police Department holds its annual pot sale."

We have a winner.....

The first winner of the new year is not a stranger here at Caption This! Give a round of applause for Freak Smack. In case you have never visited his blog, you need to pop over and take a look. Freak Smack tells the tale of those recently incarcerated.....hilarious! Congratulations, Freak Smack, here's another Golden Phallus for your trophy case.

Now, for the winning caption.....

34 Sandwich Baggies $1.37...
Impound lot Fees $250.00...
New Vehicle Interior $2,674.35...
The Look on Their Faces When They Realize it's
Just Catnip and Oregano... Priceless

Thanks again for playing, see you here again next Wednesday for another edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!

That Was The Year That Was

2009-12-31T06:15:00.004-07:00

Another year, another decade.

Yesterday and today, the internet is full of lists. Lists which remind of us, if nothing else, what we have missed in the past 365 days. I have reviewed a couple of these lists and have determined I've been living under a rock.

Take the Top Ten songs of 2009 for example, there is not one single artist on the list that I make it a point to listen to. In fact, there were only four artist that I have even heard of. Here's the list according to the AOL Radio Blog.

10. Jason Derulo: Whacha Say
9. Owl City: Fireflies
8. Flo Rida: Right Round
7. Kelly Clarkson: My Life Would Suck Without You
6. Kings of Leon: Use Somebody
5. Black-Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling
4. Lady GaGa: Poker Face
3. Iyaz: Replay
2. Jay Sean: Down
1. Taylor Swift: You Belong With Me

With the exception of Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, Black Eyed Peas and Kelly Clarkson, I ask, who are these people? How can they have a song in the Top Ten? Not only have I never heard their Top Ten hit, I've never heard of them at all. Out of the four I have at least heard of, there are only two where I have actually heard their mega-hit.

The same applies to the Top Ten movies of 2009. I've seen three of the 10.

I guess I'm just not as hip as I once was.

I did happen, however, to post the top video of 2009 here last February. Must be a fluke. The clever stop motion video, Her Morning Elegance, features an animated woman in bed who appears to be flying, falling and swimming. The music is by Oren Lavie, it's a catchy tune.

I found this yesterday, a spoof of this top video. Hey, I know you are busy, you've got places to go and things to do but, this will take less than 2 minutes of your day - less than 2 minutes.

Just push "play".

Happy New Year!!!

Me-Me's Playhouse Caption This! No. 25

2009-12-30T07:32:00.006-07:00

Howdy all! This week's winner of Caption This! not only will have the doobie-ous honor of being the first winner of the new year, but of a new decade as well. Taa-dah! So, I want you to give this special edition your best shot.

Take a look at the photo, enter your captions and return here on Saturday when The Impartial Panel of Three hands down their decision for the new year. The winner, of course, takes home The Golden Phallus, the coveted trophy that tells the world you are one creative bad ass.

And, if you really like captioning, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Z

2009-12-29T08:07:00.013-07:00

Z is for Zorilla
What the hell is that?
Well, his fur could be used
To trim Santa's hat

Yippee! I made it! Well, with the exception of "W" that is. I still can't figure out how I managed to skip that letter. I swear I sang the alphabet each an every morning just so I would know where I was in this stupid-ass series which is now finally o-v-e-r! Thanks again, Dufus!

Today's post is a re-post from October 2008 when I was living out at the ranch and some of the critters, similar to the zorilla, I would encounter. This is my version of Wild Kingdom. Look, there are pictures!

Call Me Ellie Mae!

Critters! I've got critters! Here at the ranch there are all kinds of critters. And, being in the desert southwest, most are unique to this part of the country. Since I have to co-exist with these animals, needless to say, I’m cautious and give them lots of respect and plenty of distance.

There are javelina, which can be quite nasty. Reports of people being seriously injured and killed by large groups of javelina run through my mind as a little herd moves through the ranch in the early morning. I sit on the porch swing and watch them graze on cacti and fruit that has fallen from the trees. They "clack" their tusks when danger approaches. I'm not sure what danger lurks, but the "clacking" always precedes a hurried exit into the nearby thickets. I now avoid that area near the thickets.

My first night here was spent lying in bed with my eyes wide open and the sheet pulled tight up under my chin. I wandered what in the hell it was that kept running along the upper deck - all night long! I finally got a glimpse of "it" the next evening. This creature had a long black and white tail and, of all things, very large purple eyes. What kind of hell-cat monster is this? Google reassured me. It's a ringtailcat, not to be confused with the cotamundi, a member of the raccoon family. They eat fruits, berries, lizards and mice. Apparently, they are easily tamed, make affectionate pets and are great mousers. Okay, he can stay.

And, speaking of cats, there's the cougar or mountain lion. I haven't seen one here - yet. So, I've brushed up on my cougar safety. One expert said "playing dead" is not recommended. Another stated, "don't run". "They" tell you to face the cougar, keep direct eye contact and retreat slowly, backwards. You should also try to appear larger than life by waving your arms and make a lot of noise by yelling at the lion. To me, this says, "Here I am, come and get me". Then, to top it all off, not to mention really pissing the big cat off, "they" tell you to throw rocks at the lion. Uh, huh.

Reptiles! I discussed my loathing for rattlesnakes in a previous post. But, the gila monster is a deadly lizard. Their venom is as toxic as the rattler. Yes, I've seen one and it was beautiful. The good news is, I could probably out run it - even with my bad knees. And, I won't have to yell or throw rocks at it. They feed primarily on bird and reptile eggs and only feed 5-10 times a year. Guess I'll need to gila-monster-proof the chicken coop.

It's a wildlife paradise out here at the ranch. Lots of deer, rabbits, birds of prey, badgers and even a occasional bear sighting. All only add to the wonderment of this desert oasis. I have a great pair of binoculars and hope most of my encounters are only from the front porch swing. Move over Ellie Mae!

Join me tomorrow for the New Year edition of Caption This!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Y

2009-12-28T06:18:00.008-07:00

Y is for YouTube
Ain't it dandy
When you have blogger's block
It sure comes in handy

Yeah, you guessed it. I've got the Christmas blahs, I just can't think. So, here's a little something from YouTube that will hopefully pull me through with a little style and grace.

Sing along and enjoy!

A TOUCH OF GREY
The Grateful Dead

Must be getting early
Clocks are running late
Paint by Number morning sky
Looks so phony

Dawn is breaking everywhere
Light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains, I don't care
'Cause it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

I see you've got your fist out
Say your piece and get out
Yes I got the gist of it
But it's all right

Sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a
Touch of grey

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

It's a lesson to me
The Ables and the Bakers and the C's
The ABC's we all must face
To try to keep a little grace

It's a lesson to me
The Deltas and the East and the Freeze
The ABC's we all think of
To try to win a little love

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
But it's all right

Cow is giving kerosene
Kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene
But it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

The shoe is on the hand it fits
There's really nothing much to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit
'Cause it's all right

Oh well, a touch of grey
Kind of suits you anyway
That was all I had to say
And it's all right

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

We will get by
We will get by
We will get by
We will survive

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - X

2009-12-27T06:53:00.006-07:00

X is for X-rated
A photo so scary
Yikes, look at her face
Man, is it ever hairy

Greetings everyone! So sorry I didn't get to this yesterday, but I was away celebrating the season with my family. A good time was had by all.

Thank you all for playing Caption This! The Panel had reached their decision. But, before we get to the winner, we have a few most-honorable mentions.

Quirkyloon said:
I know what boys want, I know what boys like. I know what boys want. Boys want. Boys want me!

moooooog said:
...and that's the day I started knocking when dad was in the bathroom.

Nooter said:
omg! what not to do with photoshop.

This week's winner...drum roll please... is Ann from Snap, Edit, Scrap. She was right on with her caption and takes home The Golden Phallus, congratulations! Please click over and visit Ann today, she is one crafty lady.

Now, for the winning caption.....

And THIS men, is why you should always stop at ONE drink.

I hope to see you all again this Wednesday for a special New Year edition of Caption This!

UPDATE: Apparently, I've had one too many Bailey's and coffee this morning, I totally skipped "W" in the ABC's series. *hic* Excuse me.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - V

2009-12-23T00:34:00.007-07:00

V is for Vixen
A Christmas dear so fine
To Caption This! photo
You need just one clever line

Okay, alright! I screwed up. There, I admit it. This past Saturday when the winner was announced for last week's Caption This!, I mistakenly said this was the last winner in 2009. It is, in fact, this week's contest winner that will be the last in 2009. Excuse me!

Now, that's out of the way, I really had a terrible time deciding which photo I would use this week. I was torn between two photos that truly relate to today's featured letter plus, not to mention, my attempt at being clever for the 23rd-fucking-day in a row for this ongoing Fractured ABC's of Christmas series. What in the hell was I thinking? Oh, yeah, now I remember - Dufus!

Soooooo, here's the first photo I was considering for Caption This! until I realized that moooooog would have been all over this, literally!

Now, that's some Vixen, huh guys? It appears she might be pulling something for Santa other than his sleigh, those antlers are definitely a tell-tail sign. But, really, how much can you say about a chick with fake boobs and legs up to her neck giving you that come hither look? By the way, you can see more of Vixen and the rest of Santa's helpers at Yandy.com. You're welcome. Next.

Soooooo, I have decided that the next photo is absolutely perfect for wrapping up the year. By now, you should all know the frickin' rules. Study the photo, think about it, then enter your caption in the comments below. Oh, and be sure to enter often...fa-la-la-la-la.

The lucky winner takes home The Golden Phallus and will be announced here Saturday which, coincidentally, ends this stupid-ass ABC's series Dufus challenged me to. Okay, maybe he didn't really challenge me....but, like a junkie searching for a fix, I was desperate to keep him from scooping me just because of some lousy time zone law!

End of rant.

Scroll on down for this week's photo.

Taaa-dahhh!

If you really like captioning, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow. And, please don't forget to pop on over to the Humor Bloggers 2nd Annual Christmas Carnival. Oh, and just one more plug - please vote for me over at Humor-Blogs, I need just 10 votes to recapture the numero uno position....thanks. You may leave now.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - U

2009-12-22T07:48:00.015-07:00

U is for United
For friendships that always last
Here's the exciting conclusion
Of my white Christmas past

Alaskan Christmas, Part II

Just in case you missed Part I, read it here.

The moose was slowly beginning to make her way closer to me. I could tell by the way she would turn and toss her head exactly what she was thinking, "You stupid people from the lower 48 come up here thinking you can conquer the wilds of Alaska, I've seen your type before, idiots". Just when I thought it would be a good idea for me to start walking back to my friend's home, I could hear the sound of a couple of snowmobiles. Here comes the cavalry. Yea, I'm rescued!

I waited patiently as the sound drew closer. In the distant, I could see two snowmobiles. Great, it must be the kids! I began moving around as much as I could, without threatening the moose, so they would see me just to the side of the trail. I began jumping up and down, waving my arms and whistling to capture their attention. As they approached me, it wasn't the kids at all. Who are these guys? Uh, oh!

These two guys pulled their snowmobiles along side of me. Oh.my.god! It's Jeremiah Johnson and Zachary Bass, a couple real mountain men. They were both wearing a whole fox's fur on their heads. The face of the fox seemed to rest on top while the body, hind legs and the tail ran the length of their backs and the front legs tied just under their chins. Whoa. They were both draped in one kind of animal fur or another and were they ever burly. This could be interesting. I hoped that they had not seen the movie Deliverance. Yikes!

I quickly explained my situation and asked for help. One of the men reached into a compartment and took out a rope. Oh.my.god! They have seen Deliverance. The one with the rope kept eying me as he coiled the rope around his hand. In my quick thinking, I pointed out the moose and her calf. The other one began yelling and waving his arms. "I've already tried that, it's not going to work." No quicker than those words left my mouth, the moose and her calf disappeared over the hill. Gulp. Great, now for my next stall..., "Where are you guys from?". I know, there really are stupid questions. Doh!

The guy with the rope then started up his snowmobile and rode it over to where mine was stuck in the snowbank. The other guy stayed behind with me. He was looking me up and down as he told me they were trappers and lived in the Bush. I'm sure I looked really attractive in my get-up. "Oh, I said, "so, you are bushmen, cool." He then proceeded to tell me how they make a 2-3 hour trip each week for supplies. Then he asked me the question of all questions, "Are you married?". I don't know if I was scared shitless or just so flippin' cold; regardless, I could not answer. Now, for the next question, "How would you like to spend the rest of the winter with us? We've got plenty of whiskey and books." Books? Oh. my. god! They are literate. Yippeee, good times ahead!

As I was declining the offer as politely as I could, here comes the other guy pulling my snowmobile behind his. He handed me the rope after he untied it and told me untie from my end. Yes, sir! I handed the rope back and then came a long uncomfortable stare from his squinted, blood-shot eyes. "Well", I said, "thanks for the rescue, I've got to get back to my family". I hopped on board and rode away without looking back. Creepy!

When I arrived back at my friends' place, they were nonchalant about my return. Oh good, I can keep this story to myself. At least, I thought I could. You see, two nights later was Christmas eve and we were going to a native Alaskan party. I had already been warned not to spread the seal oil over my food because it's really an acquired taste. Truthfully, it's just plain rancid. Also, I was not to worry if I don't want to participate in the sweat lodge and rolling in the snow naked ceremony, no one will take offense. Man, what a life!

We were all greeted warmly, the couple hosting the affair seemed very nice. Although, I did notice several guys wearing those same fox hats. Chills ran up my spine. I was chatting with a couple who were originally from California when in walked my two rescuers. I would peak over my shoulder from time-to-time with hopes they would not recognize me. Too late. Their story of how they had helped a damsel in distress had turned all eyes toward me. While everyone was pointing and laughing, I had the sudden urge to pee, I made my way outside to the bathroom. On the way, my friends looked at me with great concern, I tried to convince them it was really not that bad. Yeah, right!

The next several days I spent learning more about the way of life in Alaska. It's truly a place for independent and adventurous souls. My Alaskan holiday is definitely a memorable one and I am grateful for my time there. When my friends took me to the airport they presented me with a beautifully wrapped gift. The kids insisted that I open it before boarding. I unwrapped the box and found a stuffed moose. A stuffed-toy moose, my reminder of the white Christmas I spent away from the desert. You know, I think I'm heading to Iceland the next time I get a hankering for a white Christmas. Are there any moose in Iceland?!?

The End.

Now, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com and join the rest of the cast as we celebrate the Christmas Humor Carnival.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - T

2009-12-21T07:14:00.010-07:00

T is for Tundra
A place cold and bare
Only ice and snow
And a few reindeer there

Alaskan Christmas, Part I

Many years ago, after tiring of Christmas in the desert, I decided to spend my holiday vacation in Alaska. I know this may sound extreme, but I wanted a white Christmas and this was a place I knew I'd be guaranteed snow.

I arrived in Anchorage and soon boarded a 12-seat plane to fly out to the Kenai peninsula. While making this short flight, I noticed how heavy it was snowing. Yahoooo, I was so excited! What I didn't know was that we would be landing on black ice and these smaller planes have a tendency to slide upon landing - sideways. Holy crap!

I was greeted at the airport by my friends and their 6 children. They were very excited to see me because I had promised to bring them something they get very little of in Alaska, citrus. Now, when I opened the box at their home, they did something I found really unusual. They each took an orange, held it in their little hands and began smelling it. After a few minutes of this, I gave their mother the "I don't get it" look and she explained that by the time citrus reaches the stores up there, citrus is dry, bland and has no fragrance. It was like I had brought them the Holy Grail. Wow!

After a day or so of acclimating to the environment, I took my first snowmobile lesson. I thought, "How difficult can this be?". I can ride a motorcycle, I can ride a quad, this will be a piece of cake. I was handed a refrigerator suit, a pair of insulated rubber boots and a pair of thick heavy gloves by my host. Good grief, after suiting up, I felt and looked like the Michelan Man. So, the instructions were fairly simple: here's the throttle, here's the brake and stay on the hard-packed trails. Off I went!

I wasn't worried about finding my way around, I'm a pretty good scout. One thing the folks up there told me was, "The animals are wild, you can not pet them". "Stay away, stay far, far away from the moose, especially if they have a calf with them." Check, got it. Here I go. Wow, I'm in Alaska, look at all this snow. Yippppeeee!

I'm as free as a bird riding through the Alaskan wilderness. Wait, what's that up ahead? It's a moose and her calf on the trail. Panic! I then decided to go around them - far, far around them, but this would require me to leave the trail. I convinced myself that I could make it without any problems. Here I go! This is not so bad, I'll just climb this small hill and I'm out of harm's way. Up and over...nope, the skids of the snowmobile became stuck in a snowbank. Where is reverse? Uh, oh!

Here I am, in the middle of nowhere stuck in the snow about 50 yards from a moose and her calf. Now what? I froze, literally. I sat there for about 20 minutes with hopes the kids would come looking for me. Nope, no one in sight. Okay, I'll attempt to push or pull this thing out of this snowbank. As I stepped off the snowmobile, I immediately went into the snow crotch deep. Great, now both the snowmobile and I were stuck. I managed to pull one leg out, laid on my back, then pulled the other leg out. Then, of all things, I rolled to the hard-packed trail. I was then able to stand without any problems. Whew!

I kept looking between the lodged snowmobile and the moose. I found a tree to hide behind and kept yelling at the moose, "Go on now, there's nothing more to see here!", she didn't budge. I had to adjust my eyes, is she moving closer? Oh.my.god! I am going to be trampled by a moose in the Alaskan wilderness - alone, no one within earshot.

End, Part I

Join me tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. In the meantime, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com and join the rest of the cast as we celebrate the Christmas Humor Carnival.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - S

2009-12-20T08:21:00.006-07:00

S is for Sinatra
And other crooners too
Bringing the sounds of the season
With a jazzy beat to you

Although I'm a rocker at heart, there are those singers from my parents' generation that have also played a huge part in my musical influence. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Tony Bennett are definitely at the top of my list. As you continue you make your rounds today, I thought I'd give you some of the more traditional sounds of the season to fill your day.

Merry Jazzy Christmas!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - R

2009-12-19T06:05:00.009-07:00

R is for Rainbow
Even on Christmas day
A man wearing this sweater
Is probably gay

I just realized that today's winner will be the last winner of Caption This! 2009. Wow, what a year of great captioning by everyone. Thank you all for playing each week. I hope you will continue this tradition by continuing to play during 2010. (Sorry, isn't that redundant?)

The Impartial Panel of Three has made their decision. The Panel has asked me to give the following players a most-honorable mention.....

nonamedufus said:
Jesse's excuse was that he was drug free. But Bobby had no excuse for wearing that sweater.

Freak Smack said:
30 seconds after this photo was taken Bobby shanked Chris for making him look queer.

Don said:
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a man and his bitch!

Leeuna said:
If you see my friend wandering around lost, please dial the number listed on his face and I'll come get him.

During 2009, this caption became a repeated theme...
Knucklehead said:
Hi, we're the Dyer Boys!
Yeah, okay, I guess you had to have been there.

Now, on with the show...

Today's winning author is rather new to captioning has outdone all the rest and will take home The Golden Phallus. Give a big "hooray" to adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma. Her blog is full of humor and snarcasms, be sure to pop over and give her blog a read. And, while you are there, "Follow".

Congratulations!

The moment you've all been waiting for, the winning caption!

Our first Christmas after being released from prison
....a love story.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - Q

2009-12-18T01:18:00.007-07:00

Q is for Quirky
She's crazy as loon
Partying with zombies
Under a full moon

Yes, I'm talking about my little bloggin' buddy and zombie lovin', Quirkyloon. For those of you that don't currently follow Quirky, you are really missing out on the hilarity she posts each and everyday. So, today I thought I'd give you a taste (nom, nom, nom) by re-posting from the Quirky archives. Please be sure to click over and give Quirkyloon a big "Howdy" and a "Follow".

TOP TEN REASONS
Why I should stop blogging.

10. I've stopped cooking dinners, because I'd rather be checking for the twentieth time if anybody has commented on my latest blog post.

9. I don't answer phone calls from friends because they are interrupting my quantity online time.

8. I've canceled doctors appointments because I had blogger's block and had to stay home until I could come up with something to write.

7. Because of non responsiveness on my part, my sons have stopped calling me, "Mom," they now address me as "Quirkyloon."

6. My eyes have that constant glazed over look from over-exposure to the computer monitor light.

5. I'm starting to panic that I'm not Stumble worthy.

4.I haven't bathed before 2:00pm each day since May 2008 (the birth date of this blog).

3. I walk around with my fingers in the "ready to type" configuration (asdf jkl;) with fingers slightly curved.

2. I've started developing urinary tract infections from not relieving my bladder regularly, because I have to hold it in to read just one more blog.

1. Blogger spread: the physical effect of the butt and hips expanding due to excessive hours sitting in the chair spent blogging.

As stated before these are the reasons I should stop blogging, but I won't. Why?

I can't sleep, I can't eat
There's no doubt, I'm in deep
My throat is tight, I can't breathe
Another blog is all I need
Whoa, I'd like to think that I'm immune to the blog,
Oh yeah
Its closer to the truth to say I can't get enough,
You know I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to blog.
(Robert Palmer, "Addicted to Love," edited by Quirkyloon)

Who said all addictions are a bad thing? Certainly, not me!

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - P

2009-12-17T08:21:00.008-07:00

P is for Pinata
Filled with candy and toys
The perfect party game
For all good girls and boys

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - O

2009-12-16T07:07:00.006-07:00

O is for Offbeat
What can one say
About these guys
Posing on Christmas day

It's time once again to play Caption This! Please study the photo below and enter your best caption for a chance to win The Golden Phallus. Be sure to enter often and return here on Saturday when The Impartial Panel of Three announces the winner. Good luck!

For more captioning fun, drop on by these blogs: nonamedufus, EttaRose and Soccer Mom, plus that Old Silly, Marvin, has his contest up tomorrow.

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - N

2009-12-15T04:51:00.022-07:00

N is for Nooter
With a wagging tail and four paws
His dog house is trimmed and lighted
As he anxiously waits for Santa Claus

Today's letter is dedicated to all of our furry four-legged friends. This suggestion is brought to you by Nooter the Dog. Nooter writes a blog where in his last episode he is trying to escape from his human. Why? Because the human is wanting to dress up Nooter for the annual holiday photo. Click on over to read more.

A recent poll shows that 52% of pet owners plan to buy their pet a holiday gift this year. There are the usual gifts such as a new collar and leash, doggie treats, balls and butcher's bones. Some pet owners will even purchase clothing to dress their pets on Christmas day. Most pets, like Nooter, do have issues with wearing clothing, I don't blame them. I think its hilarious to see the look on their faces, its almost like they are disgusted or embarrassed to be wearing a silly, festive frock.

Take a look.....

See what I mean? Elvis is a highly trained guard dog. He is macho. But, now that he's donning this elf costume, he just looks plain silly. You have challenged his ability to protect your home and family. Besides that, even a dog shouldn't be forced to wear horizontal stripes.

Now, I ask you, does this Christmas kitty look happy? No she doesn't, she is pissed! I imagine she is de-clawsed (pun intended). At least I hope she is or you'll be spending Christmas morning with a bottle of peroxide and a tube of antibiotic ointment. Don't you think she kind of resembles Winston Churchill? Sour puss.

Okay, a goat in the house dressed as Santa. Good, lord! You have to wonder, what in the hell is this goat thinking? I tell you what he's thinking. He's thinking you are a cheap bastard because your Christmas tree is an artificial one. C'mon, after all you'll buy your goat a Santa costume, couldn't you spring for a real tree too?

I'm not sure what these things are - toads or lizards? Regardless, nothing says Merry Christmas like dressing your reptile for the holidays. Can you imagine the look on Grandma's face as she reaches under the tree and finds these things? Holy crap! Did anyone remember to buy Grandma her Depends?

I put a red bandanna on my dog once, he didn't like it at all. He rolled around and shook with all his might until I removed it. I bought him boots once, I didn't know a 135 pound Akita could dance until I attempted to place them on his paws. I even bought him blinking reindeer antlers, he chewed them up. My dog, like Nooter, just isn't the pet-dressing type, he prefers to be al la natural.

Okay, I realize there are those of you that do dress your pets and, actually, I'd love to see their pictures - please provide a link in the comments or send them to me via email (memeking2000@yahoo.com) and I'll share them here later during this series of Fractured ABC's. I promise I won't make fun of them.....too much.

By the way, I want to thank those who have taken the time to vote for me over at Humor-Blogs. Dufus pointed out to me yesterday that my blog had reached the number one position! Wooo-hooo!!! If you'll look in the sidebar under Vote for the Screaming Me-Me, you'll notice the small banner with the number one in it. Got an extra 5 seconds? Then vote. Thank you very much!