Thursday, April 9, 2009

Revisit: Hunting Near An Active Volcano Is Dangerous

Back by popular demand,, one of my blogging buddies, Kelly over at Psycho Carnival, asked me to rerun this story I wrote and published last November.  Kelly claims this is one of his personal favorites, I hope you will enjoy it as well.

I was out earlier this week checking the progress of the citrus trees. I am excited by the number of fresh, juicy oranges, lemons and grapefruits that will soon be ripe for the pickin’. While taking inventory, a shot rang out. I ducked! Seconds later, more shots. I hit the ground! Holy shit!

Laying on the ground and biting the dust during shotgun fire is a weird experience. All kinds of things run through your mind – like, when is it safe to stand to a crouch and run like hell for cover. After a few minutes, I bravely headed back up to the house. Half way to the security of hiding in my bathroom with the door locked, another shot rang out. And, it was much closer than the previous shots. I hit the ground…again!

If I could just reach my truck, I would honk the horn to let them know there are people in the general vicinity. I began crawling along the ground like Rambo. Man, am I out of shape! Belly-crawling takes a lot of energy, especially when your heart is already pumping 90-to-nothing. Okay, I…can…make…it. Not to mention, this would be an inopportune time to meet up with, yep, a rattlesnake. I had to put that fear behind me and continue crawling.

I finally made it to the truck, but why in this world did I lock the damn thing? I’m out in the middle of nowhere, last check - zero crime. Just a little further and I’d be in the house. (And, speaking of bathrooms…) I finally reached the door, whew, safe and sound. I grabbed the keys and ran back to the truck as if I were Flo Jo and could outrun the spray of speeding pellets. Adrenaline, obviously, gives me a false sense of my true abilities. What a rush!

Looking like some whacked out cartoon character - dirt on my face and clothing, darting from cactus-to-cactus and then fumbling with the keys - just to honk the horn. I decided to play a little tune rather than laying on it, figuring they’d think someone was in trouble and come running to help. So, I played “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”. I kind of got into it, I was singing along as I beeped. It was a difficult selection to play on the truck-horn, but effective nonetheless.

I did have enough sense about me to know they weren’t shooting at me, I hoped. But, who wants to be in the line of fire? I walked back into the house and checked the Arizona Game and Fish site and discovered it was deer season. (Reminder to self: Print and post hunting schedules to refrigerator.) The landscaping hides the ranch house from all angles, they probably weren’t aware they were so close to anyone’s home. I’m sure they were aware after my tribute to AC/DC.

As I thought more about the hunters, I decided putting signs up along the property line might be a good thing. I wondered what would capture their attention. You know, so they’d be more careful. I went back to the computer and began designing warnings to hunters. Here’s a few I have placed in clear plastic sleeves and posted along the fence:

If You Want To Keep Your Privates

Hunting Near An Active
Volcano Is Dangerous!

Armed Wildlife
On The Premises

And, my personal favorite…

I Don’t Hunt in Your Front Yard
Don’t You Dare Hunt In Mine!

can only assume these signs are working, no shots have been fired anywhere near the ranch since their placement. And, if I do here shots again, I already have my next truck-horn song prepared – “Janie’s Got A Gun”. I did hear a truck stop down on the road late this afternoon. It was really quiet and out of the silence came laughter from a couple of guys - the truck then pulled away. I high-fived myself and went about gathering wood for my evening fire. Ahhhh, life here at the ranch is good.


  1. I have signs posted all around as well - it used to be people ASKED if they could come onto fenced property before they did.
    A horse looks close enough to wild in the dusk - anything ever happens to one of mine though, I'll look to psycho contractor first.

  2. Excellent signs. Probably a much better option than shooting back.

  3. Brilliant! I can see why it was a favorite. Great job on coming up with the clever signs. I am glad you survived long enough to do so!

  4. That is too funny. But I bet it wasn't at the time.

  5. Wow! Brilliant as always. I need to get some of them signs :)

  6. hilarious! i'd probably add a couple "caution. land mines" just to be safe

  7. That was great! Still LMBO!

    Belly crawling takes it out of you, huh?
    I'll have to remember that one! *smile*

  8. That story, indeed, causes me to laugh until I poo in my pants. Thanks for the rerun and the link love, Me-Me.

  9. Ja ja! I remember this story, and agree it's one of your best. I felt like I was there with you in your re-telling.

    Have an awesome day love!


  10. Wow, what starts as a simple fruit-fest turns into Shoot Out at the OJ Corral. :) Glad you were okay.

    Folks around here tend to get a bit singleminded when deer season starts, so I can totally see how it would happen.

  11. Have you been getting more deer yet? Maybe they know how to read more than we think.


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