Saturday, June 13, 2009

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme The News

As we age, most of us will grow concerned with our health and will try to make healthier choices so we might squeeze out an extra year or two. After reading this interview, I discovered that I've been going about it all wrong. No more Wii Fit and watching calories for me, I'm taking this doctor's advice.....

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong your life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.....don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You should grasp the logical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water from the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Also, beer is made from grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have and body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, you ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.....Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!! Fried food are fried in vegetable oils. In fact, they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it just get bigger.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, cocoa beans! Another vegetable. Chocolate is the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey, "ROUND" is a shape.

Well, I hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had about food, diet and exercise. It definitely did for me.

And remember.....

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways  - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body throughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

And, also don't forget.....

Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!" No. have until midnight Sunday to enter your captions.  Once again, The Golden Phallus and 500 EntreCard credits are up for grabs. 


  1. Do you know if that doctor is accepting new patients? Because, if so, my doctor's income is going to decline a bit. It would help if the good doctor lives in Ontario, Canada so his or her services are covered under the provincial health insurance plan. But, if not, that's the sort of advice I'd pay for.

  2. Very helpful interview. Thanks for the real story.

  3. until 30 seconds ago, I was feeling guilty for having coffee (vegetable!) and apple pie (fruit and grain!) for breakfast. I think the kids finished off all the twinkies in the house last night - so I am sitting here staring at a short stack of ring dings - trying to figure out what excellent food group they are in. . . by the way - does your doctor have any good words for smoking cigarettes?

  4. I LOVE this doctor. I hope his brother has an office around here somewhere

  5. I had my dairy/bread/vegetable/meat all in one dish last night, aka pepperoni pizza. I've been following this doctor all along.

  6. I'm thinking I want to see this doctor!!!!
    I do think we spend a great deal of time stressing out about how to live our lives instead of just living it! Stress kills us off much quicker than anything else.

  7. @ Joel - Hey, for this kind of advice, just give him a call. The number is 1-800-QUACKS-1

    @ Da Old Man - You are very welcome, glad I could help.

    @ Koe Whitton-Williams - I think cigarettes may possibly fall under the vegetable category. It is a leafy plant after all.

    @ Dizzy - Try the 800 number I left for Joel. I'm sure his phone consultations are FREE!

    @ Nipsy - Ah, pizza - the perfect food. Yep, me too. Infact, I'm his "poster child".

    @ MamaFlo - He'd probably suggest that you should eat a steak, drink a glass of wine and then take a nap - that should relieve your stress.


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