Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ice & Snow: Take It Slow!

This is one man's rant which appeared somewhere and sent to me by a friend. I thought it was hilarious and decided to pass it along to you good folks.....enjoy!

Are you intimidated by winter driving? What the hell are you doing up here then? Do you know where you are? This isn't the fucking jungle or desert.

You inevitably pull out in front of me when there's no one behind me, and you could've waited another 15 seconds to not make anyone slam on their brakes on ice and snow. You then continue to drive really slow, say less than half the speed limit. No one in their right mind would pass someone on roads with a 2 ft snow drift in the median during a snow storm. So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, party, or wherever you're headed that's OK be late to. Yes, I realize that driving on slippery roads and in low visibility can be scary, so I appreciate you driving within your limits. However, don't pull out in front of a car when you know you're not going to at least go the speed limit! Just wait another 30 seconds maybe (since you obviously aren't in a hurry anyway), and you won't ruin someone elses' day.

Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, and real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! It's a common courtesy. If the shoulder has been replaced by a 14 ft wall of plowed snow (as we all know happens up here), find a decently plowed side road to pull on to for a minute. Don't be surprised or offended when you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns out of the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half that are now passing you.

Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier:

1. Your winter driving confidence will grow 10 fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try a used Subaru. They're all wheel drive, cheap, and fuel efficient.

2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see what exactly your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot Sunday evening outside of town.

3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? Get some snow tires! At least for the front two wheels, but better yet all of your wheels could use them. You will be amazed at what a good set of snow tires actually do for your driving and confidence. There's a reason why they're popular up here.

4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. Shit!

5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility to low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose another $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the roads for the rest of us. Stay home and watch game shows and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night.

6. Don't like option #5? Take a cab! Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. They do this for a living and they're really quite nice people. Besides, the cab ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. Plus you save the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition while passing you.

7. Move to the South. I bet you'd fit in there anyway. Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money. You can keep your Buick, too!

I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this, at least not many of them. First you have to get a computer. Then resist the urge to pawn it for casino money. If you know any of these assholes, tell them what you think about following them at 20 mph on Highway 41 or M28 for two goddamn hours. Thanks!

I'll see you on the road!


  1. Hey, is that the guy driving the Buggati you were talking about the other day?

  2. Sorry. Moving to the South won't help. People around here drive like this on a hot sunny day. Unless they're going to a casino at which point their driving speed seems to increase.

  3. There aren't many reasons to like Southern California, but by golly if you haven't found one!

  4. I live in Alaska and have to deal with these assholes everyday. We have black ice which can be very deceiving. This guy's advice is right on.

    Nice blog, by the way. I took the time to read several of your past posts. You have a great writing style.

    John H.

  5. @ Dufus - He very well could have been. Varrrroom!

    @ Don - Same here in Arizona, the snow birds in their land yachts - yikes!

    @ Knucklehead - Glad to be of service.

    @ John H - Welcome. I've been to Alaska during the winter where I relied on the locals to get around. Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your kind words.

  6. All I can say is Thank GOD I don't live in a snow and ice climate. So Cal rain is bad enough and turns normally decent drivers into full-blown idiots behind the wheel. I can only imagine how they'd be with snow and ice. I'd probably have to mount an RPG launcher to my car.

  7. LOL! Holy Slip 'N' Slide!

    Yep. I'll stay home.

  8. Yeah! Right on! Tell 'em!! Sheesh - I've been a northerner all my life and it never ceases to amaze me that EVERY winter after the first big snowfall, all these idiots that are indigenous to the area can't remember from one year to the next you have to SLOW DOWN and take more time and be more careful in the winter!

    Then again, it's natural selection at work. Strengthens the gene pool in the long run, hmm?

    The Old Silly

  9. Hey I was behind one these people this morning. Thanks to them I was 9 minutes late for work. Somehow it was much funnier reading this than driving behind the asshole this morning.

  10. Thank Gawd I don't live where it snows because I would be the idiot driver holding everyone up. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

  11. Thankfully I don't have to drive in the snow,but I happen to think that it's just as difficult driving with all the snowbirds that come down here for the winter!

  12. nicely done...expecting 5-10 inshes in the next 2 days...maybe we need to get this broadcast...

  13. Ahhh, the genesis of Road-Rage.

    Damn. I hear people singing this, (or parts of this,) tirade every day up here in Boston. Not as many "casino" references, true, but the drivers vs. weather is an ongoing Darwinian struggle.

    I envision a person shaking their fist as they say this stuff.

  14. I gotta go ...there's an empty parking lot with my name on it

  15. This guy should do stand-up. He's hysterical -- and right on. I don't live in snow and ice, but I do live near a casino. He nailed those people good.

  16. This is why someone needs to invent hood-mounted cannons.

  17. Gawwhh! Please don't send us anymore of those bad Yankee drivers. We're overrun with 'em the way it is. Or is that run over? We're under a winter storm warning here in East TN as we speak. They're telling us to expect around a foot of snow with possibly downed power lines and blinding snow. eeek! Come on Spring time!

  18. Everything the man said is true. As an old vet driving in harsh cold icy weather for at least 40 miles a day, what he says ia very true. His best advice is for those who don't need or afraid to get out into those conditions should stay the f*ck off the road.

    I like his style. Heh heh.

  19. Hell yeah! There's got to be a happy medium between the speed freaks who like to think that because their truck has 4 wheel drive, that gives them the right to do 75 in white out conditions and the depends wearing grannies who like to do 10 miles an hour when the first flakes start to fall from the sky. Sheesh... stay off the roads if you fall into either of these two categories!


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