Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wacky Wednesday! - Holiday Eating Tips

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.



  1. Don't knock carrots. Carrots and celery sticks with humus or sour cream and chive dip are very nice interludes between the main courses. Plus they ease the guilt.

  2. I'm all for people getting through the holidays however they can! I'm not big on the holiday food but find it is necessary to help absorb the alcohol.

  3. Ummm...sounds great! Pass the Drano please.

  4. Yeah!!!!!!
    My favorite is my desert plate at a party. If there are multiple items with chocolate in them, I will take one of each. And if I like them, I'll eat them ALL. While smiling. With pride. Which is smug. Really.

  5. The point is to just enjoy the holiday. I'll worry about the extra weight after the holiday.

  6. Pass the gravy. I want to put some on my pie.

  7. I know it's been a good Christmas when I have to roll my bloated self away from the table... lard ball style. :p

  8. Hell yeah!!

    Finally some good Holiday advice! That's what I'm talking about. Can't have too much gravy in my opinion. Or pie... never enough pie.

  9. Eat drink and be merry! Who knows what tomorrow may hold? For no trace of this may remain tomorrow. Every moment here, live life to the fullest. This is your time, make it your grand moment of gusto, for tomorrow may never be.

  10. Great tips Me-Me King. I was just telling my lovely wife that I wanted to make a stuffing sandwich and I was going to use gravy as my condiment of choice. Have a yourself a Happy Holiday season and see you in '09.

  11. Regarding exercise, Me-Me, a little walk after a nap would not do too much harm would it?
    I'm not talking about serious exercise - just walking up an appetite for the next meal.

  12. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


  13. Bless you for giving the go-ahead on the eggnog! I've been eyeing that quart in the grocery like a vulture circling the roadside. I mean eggnog is nothing but melted ice cream, right? And I've got no qualms about eatin' that!

  14. lol This post was awesome. I loved reading it.

  15. Yay for rum-balls!

    Boo for Cookieless January!

  16. I'm with you all the way there, Me-Me. Christmas is not the time for skimping out on the goodies... like egg nog, rum balls and volcanos made of mashed taters. You definitely got my mouth watering with this post. I'm so hungry now, I'm about to pick up my cat sitting next to me and take a big bite out of his belly while imagining it's a big hunk of pineapple glazed ham. Yum.

  17. It's all about the eggnog :-)

    Happy Holidays.

  18. I love the eggnog and I also love the raw vegetable platters. lol :P

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  20. These are awesome tips! I wish I can tell my guest who brought in carrot sticks to join the rum balls neighbors! LOL

    Oh, I drank three cups of egg nog already this week.

  21. Me-Me,

    You gave me the gift of a good laugh with this post. And as for parking yourself alongside the cookie tray, my (thin) husband does exactly that, with one addition: he tries to distract other plate-heapers by praising the foods all *around* the tray of goodies he wants to devour. I've seen him do it. He is an expert.

    Thanks for the holiday funny, and I hope you enjoy your Christmas with family and friends!

    p.s. a blog award and plenty of link love await you over at Midwest Moms. ;) Merry Christmas.

  22. Good tips and it made me laugh hard.. :)
    Have a merry Christmas.. :)

  23. Love this post! I think many of us will go through this annual self-stuffing ritual. Keep the Pepto-Bismol handy.

  24. My head is heavy, my sight is blurry, and there is no place on my lap for the laptop so I stop...


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