Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Quotable: Jack Handey

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.


2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.


3. One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."


4. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.
5. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
6. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
7. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
8. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
9. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
10. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
11. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
12. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
13. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
14. Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?
15. Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.


  1. haha..damn funny and humor..

  2. I love Jack Handey. That was my favourite part of SNL for years. I still try, without success, to emulate his style.

    Here are two of my all-time Jack Handey faves:

    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

    If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

  3. i loved jack handey. Some of his quotes were way out there

  4. I laugh at those Deep Thoughts every time I read them. Great stuff.

  5. Jack Handey - the Anti-Confucius. Funny stuff, though, especially the one about the world without war.

  6. Me Me the quotes are cut off, and incomplete because they run into the next column.

    hope you fix it so that I can really read and enjoy the post.


  7. Is there any way you can move the "blogs I read" column over so that it doesn't cut off the end of the sentences?

    I can guess what most of them are supposed to be, but for some of them I have no idea.

  8. @ EVERYONE: I apologize for the format of today's post - I'm experiencing "Polterbytes". The quotes are complete, some words continue to the next line. Now, I'm off to nuke those polterbytes.

  9. Damn! I was stopping by here for some fun. What do I get? Polterbytes!!! Damn Polterbytes!!! Hope that you get this fixed. If you don't, then call Ghostbusters.

  10. For Jack Handey fans, nothing beats the articles he writes for The New Yorker. Do a search for "This Is No Game," and "What I'd Say To The Martians" for starters. Hilarious stuff.


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