Quotable: Jack Handey

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

 

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

3. One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

 

4. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

5. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

6. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

7. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

9. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

10. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

11. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

12. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

13. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

14. Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?

15. Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.