Thursday, October 1, 2009

I Brake For Garage Sales

Welcome buyers and thank you for coming to my garage sale!

I know my newspaper ads and signs say, "Open at 7"; but, feel free to arrive at 6. Please ring the doorbell several times, bang on the door and peer into the windows until I answer. I'll gladly open up early just for you.

Do show up with your unleashed dog and, of course, let him poop in my front yard. Yeah, my lawn-boy will clean it up later, no problem.

For your convenience, I've taken the time to price each and every item. Please keep asking over-and over, "How much do you want for this?" And, I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price; so, let's haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don't have anything else to do today.

In the mood for a cigarette? Step into the garage and light up. Just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. I'll take care of those for you too. It's my bad for not providing you with an ashtray.

What, now your McDonald's breakfast is going right through you? Of course, you can come in and use my bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet and take any prescription meds you might need - no charge. You'll find the room spray under the sink, please use liberally.

Oh, you want to buy all my antiques at full price, but have no cash? Yes, I'll happily take your check. No worries, I'm sure you're an honest person. Next time, I'll be prepared to accept credit and debit cards.

As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the rap music and then lay scratch as you drive away. It's loud but, oh so cool.

Have a great day and thanks for stopping by!


  1. I've really got to work on my reading skills. When I first glanced at the picture at the top of this post I could have sworn it said "Garbage Sale," not "Garage Sale." Honest.

    It wasn't until I read the post and then took another look at the picture that I realized I read it wrong. Then again, maybe there WAS a typo in the sign.

    Funny stuff.

  2. @ Joel - Okay! You made me look....twice!

  3. Oh my, I love garage sales, too. I feel like I can only truly be myself when I'm at a garage sale. Thanks for the Paxil and the porcelain figurines, by the way. That was quite a haul for 75 cents!

  4. @ MikeWJ - Well, thank you for not taking the Percocet, I guess they were well hidden behind the athlete's foot ointment. Enjoy the figurines!

  5. Percocet? How did I miss that?


    What you think I'm a natural loon? Oh no, I'm a medically induced loon! Ha!

    Very fun post MeMe!

  6. You described almost to a T, the last yard sale I had. People are so clueless.

  7. Funny post!

    Yeah and try to rip off my cash by distracting me as I'm counting your change.

  8. You left out the guy who insists you should let him look all through your house because "you might have missed something." I don't think so! Trust me... I know what I want to sell!

  9. And ain't that the truth! So well said - if you want a little garage sale giggle try and find the New Zealand movie - Second Hand Wedding - it fits in with your post like a dream!

  10. Pffttt.. I dealt with that crap back in April when I had my garage sale.. The worst are the ones who haggle over anything less than a dollar..I finally sent one lady to the Salvation Army and told her that might be more her style..

  11. @ Quirky - lol! Loon by Medical know, you might get off scott-free with a defense like that.

    @ Peach Tart - What is it about those that are so clueless? I think I must be a magnet for them.

    @ Reforming Geek - OMG, I hadn't thought of that! I thought I felt someone trying to reach into my back pocket. Scoundrels!

  12. @ CatLadyLarew - Yeah, I figure when they are using the bathroom, they are looking for hidden treasures other than those in the medicine cabinet. Or, are they just casing the joint so they can come back later for the big score?

    @ Mandy - Thanks for the movie tip, I'm titally looking for it on HULU tonight!

    @ Nipsy - Right on! I'll have to remember that line next time. Or send them to Goodwill, they're pricey these days.

  13. My wife once haggled with a woman because we wanted 50 cents for a pair of shoes.

    50. Cents.

    We ended up beating her to death with them.

    Then we sold her lifeless body for a buck.

    People at yard sales will buy anything.

  14. Last time I was moving I had a lot of big things to get rid of...didn't all go at the yard sale so we loaded up and went to the flea market the next day. This was my first time at a flea market. We sold some and gave some and tossed a few things but I laughed til I cried and had stories to last for weeks! So worth it, not financially!

  15. You are the perfect host! It's about time that someone understands me and my shopping habits.
    Btw, thanks for participating in my contest!

  16. God, have I ever experienced just such crap! I even had to hire an off duty cop friend once for one sale I had under my carport. Still, some stuff was stolen. I solved that problem 15 years ago. I don't have garage sales anymore.

  17. My house is off limits to strangers, you are indeed a gracious host. I'm afraid I would have told them to remember their depends next time and laugh as they scurried off trying to hold their bladder or whatever. Can't stand the thought of foreign poop in my toilet.

  18. @ moooooog - Now that's what I call creative marketing.

    @ Buggys - Do share! I love a good laugh, especially when it's at the expense of others.

    @ Kirsten - I aims to please. I love your Caption This! segment. Hey everyone, check out Soccer Mom's contest each Wednesday.

    @ Don - Off-duty cop? I never thought of that. Not that my crap is worth much, but it would be worth the kicks and grins.

    @ Jude - LOL! Great idea, infact, I'll offer Depends free with purchase.

  19. I was going to ask if I could come a day early; but it looks like now I've missed the sale entirely. dang. typical.


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