Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - U

is for United
For friendships that always last
Here's the exciting conclusion
Of my white Christmas past

Alaskan Christmas, Part II

Just in case you missed Part I, read it here.

The moose was slowly beginning to make her way closer to me. I could tell by the way she would turn and toss her head exactly what she was thinking, "You stupid people from the lower 48 come up here thinking you can conquer the wilds of Alaska, I've seen your type before, idiots". Just when I thought it would be a good idea for me to start walking back to my friend's home, I could hear the sound of a couple of snowmobiles. Here comes the cavalry. Yea, I'm rescued!

I waited patiently as the sound drew closer. In the distant, I could see two snowmobiles. Great, it must be the kids! I began moving around as much as I could, without threatening the moose, so they would see me just to the side of the trail. I began jumping up and down, waving my arms and whistling to capture their attention. As they approached me, it wasn't the kids at all. Who are these guys? Uh, oh!

These two guys pulled their snowmobiles along side of me. Oh.my.god! It's Jeremiah Johnson and Zachary Bass, a couple real mountain men. They were both wearing a whole fox's fur on their heads. The face of the fox seemed to rest on top while the body, hind legs and the tail ran the length of their backs and the front legs tied just under their chins. Whoa. They were both draped in one kind of animal fur or another and were they ever burly. This could be interesting. I hoped that they had not seen the movie Deliverance. Yikes!

I quickly explained my situation and asked for help. One of the men reached into a compartment and took out a rope. Oh.my.god! They have seen Deliverance. The one with the rope kept eying me as he coiled the rope around his hand. In my quick thinking, I pointed out the moose and her calf. The other one began yelling and waving his arms. "I've already tried that, it's not going to work." No quicker than those words left my mouth, the moose and her calf disappeared over the hill. Gulp. Great, now for my next stall..., "Where are you guys from?". I know, there really are stupid questions. Doh!

The guy with the rope then started up his snowmobile and rode it over to where mine was stuck in the snowbank. The other guy stayed behind with me. He was looking me up and down as he told me they were trappers and lived in the Bush. I'm sure I looked really attractive in my get-up. "Oh, I said, "so, you are bushmen, cool." He then proceeded to tell me how they make a 2-3 hour trip each week for supplies. Then he asked me the question of all questions, "Are you married?". I don't know if I was scared shitless or just so flippin' cold; regardless, I could not answer. Now, for the next question, "How would you like to spend the rest of the winter with us? We've got plenty of whiskey and books." Books? Oh. my. god! They are literate. Yippeee, good times ahead!

As I was declining the offer as politely as I could, here comes the other guy pulling my snowmobile behind his. He handed me the rope after he untied it and told me untie from my end. Yes, sir! I handed the rope back and then came a long uncomfortable stare from his squinted, blood-shot eyes. "Well", I said, "thanks for the rescue, I've got to get back to my family". I hopped on board and rode away without looking back. Creepy!

When I arrived back at my friends' place, they were nonchalant about my return. Oh good, I can keep this story to myself. At least, I thought I could. You see, two nights later was Christmas eve and we were going to a native Alaskan party. I had already been warned not to spread the seal oil over my food because it's really an acquired taste. Truthfully, it's just plain rancid. Also, I was not to worry if I don't want to participate in the sweat lodge and rolling in the snow naked ceremony, no one will take offense. Man, what a life!

We were all greeted warmly, the couple hosting the affair seemed very nice. Although, I did notice several guys wearing those same fox hats. Chills ran up my spine. I was chatting with a couple who were originally from California when in walked my two rescuers. I would peak over my shoulder from time-to-time with hopes they would not recognize me. Too late. Their story of how they had helped a damsel in distress had turned all eyes toward me. While everyone was pointing and laughing, I had the sudden urge to pee, I made my way outside to the bathroom. On the way, my friends looked at me with great concern, I tried to convince them it was really not that bad. Yeah, right!

The next several days I spent learning more about the way of life in Alaska. It's truly a place for independent and adventurous souls. My Alaskan holiday is definitely a memorable one and I am grateful for my time there. When my friends took me to the airport they presented me with a beautifully wrapped gift. The kids insisted that I open it before boarding. I unwrapped the box and found a stuffed moose. A stuffed-toy moose, my reminder of the white Christmas I spent away from the desert. You know, I think I'm heading to Iceland the next time I get a hankering for a white Christmas. Are there any moose in Iceland?!?

The End.

Now, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com and join the rest of the cast as we celebrate the Christmas Humor Carnival.


  1. There aren't moose in Iceland, but there is ice in Mooseland.

    I have no idea where I was going with that.

  2. Why do I feel like playing the banjo?


    Great story MeMe! You could've been a kept Alaskan wench! And you turned it down?

    tsk tsk tsk

  3. Woah, there really are strange things done neath the midnight sun! And u got out alive.

  4. @ moooooog - I don't know where you were going with that. But, that's okay, I appreciate the sentiment...I think.

    @ Quirky - No, thanks. I'll keep my independent and adventurous self here in Arizona along with the rattlesnakes.

    @ Dufus - Yes, I did. Thankfully, this was a one-time trip.

  5. I have always wanted to go to Alaska! I know this is a weird question, but it is how my silly mind works sometimes, were the rescuers nice looking?

  6. @ Christiejolu - LOL! Hard to tell underneath all that fur, big bushy beards and long hair. Even at the party, they were in they same clothes I saw them in two days before.

  7. Glad you got rescued...I wanted to know what they looked like too!!

  8. Well you little memory-maker you! I'm sure you'll never forget THAT experience! Soooooo, about Sarah Pallin.....???

  9. Mountain men make good providers I'm told. Providing you provide them with provisions as they need them.

  10. Books AND whiskey?

    I'd've had to think that one over for a spell...

  11. I would go stir crazy during an Alaskan winter. I prefer summer up there. It's cold enough for me.

    Great story, Me-me. I will also pass on the seal oil.

  12. Wow you turned down an offer of whiskey and books....lol What charmers :)

  13. What a lively tale! You can do scary shit like that all you want and I'm fine just droppin' by to read about it. Thanks for a fun story.

  14. Deliverance reference and Moose in one post? You are good me dear!

  15. Great story, Me-Me! I have a friend who was almost killed by an angry moose, so you had reason to be scared, even before the dudes in fox hats showed up. Just think, though, you could still be living in the last great American wilderness, the adored subject of not one, but two real men. Like Little House on the Prairie, but creepier.


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