Monday, April 6, 2009

Having A Bad Day?

This letter is from a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana.  He writes his sister to share his unfortunate experience at the office.  Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter…..true story.

Dear Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit.  This time of year the water is quite cool. So, what we do to keep warm is this.

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. 

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  My suit and gear were tied to the bell.  When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you're having a bad day at the office, think of me.  Think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.



  1. I saw this a loooooooooong time ago and had forgotten about it. My CSR job pales in comparison to what he went through. I will have to print this and tape it to my cubicle next to my anti-stress circle as a reminder

  2. That's hilarious! Unfortunate for Brian, but it's nonetheless hilarious...

  3. I KNEW there was a good reason I didn't want to dive!

  4. I'm having a better day already, thanks Me-Me! :)

  5. Suddenly Monday has a much happier, shinier light to it... and jelly-fish free, too. :)

  6. Almost the exact same thing happened to me a couple of years ago. Well, I wasn't diving. And there was no jellyfish. But I did get an ass rash.

  7. Hysterical! I've had a run-in with a but nothing like this. It was enough to keep me out of ocean and on the beach. The beach is a good thing!

  8. @ dizzblnd - Hey, I'm all for a stress free environment.

    @ Don - Yes, unfortunate, but his experience was not in vain.

    @ Venom - Yeah, and what about those 20 foot sharks? Yikes!

    @ Lidian - Glad I was able to make the world a better place for you. ;)

    @ Jenn - My motto: Never sweat the small stuff unless, of course, you have a jellyfish in your wetsuit.

    @ Shawn - Ewwwww - thanks for sharing. I hear Deep Heat really is a great remedy for ass rash - give it a try next time.

    @ I agree! Nothing like a jellyfish sting to cause you to become one with the sand.

  9. Funny story. Personally, I wouldn't care to have a jellyfish deep in my crack. In a related story... A week ago, my sister and family went on a cruise and stopped off at the island of Belize. While there, they petted some dolphins. While doing that, my 10 year old neice was stung ON THE ASS by a jellyfish. She cried, of course. The locals sprayed her with something in a bottle that eased the pain. I've heard and read many times that if you piss on a jellyfish sting, that eases the pain, too. No kidding.


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