Having A Bad Day?

This letter is from a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana.  He writes his sister to share his unfortunate experience at the office.  Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter…..true story.

Dear Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit.  This time of year the water is quite cool. So, what we do to keep warm is this.

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. 

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  My suit and gear were tied to the bell.  When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you're having a bad day at the office, think of me.  Think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian

Wacky Wednesday! - April Fools Edition

Banned From Walmart...

Dear Mrs. King,  

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. King are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.  

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.  

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.  

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.  

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'  

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.  

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.  

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.  

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'  

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 

10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.  

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.  

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.  

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'  

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least ..........  

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'