Friday, December 4, 2009

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - D

Update: Regarding yesterday's post - No, I did not receive 50 comments. Damn it! The burning question that still remains is, what are 98% of the people that stop here doing? I guess my blog is merely a vehicle for passers-by. (sigh)

That being said.....

D is for Desert
It's dry and void of snow
Never is there a Christmas of white
Man, that really blows.

I have a theory. Phoenix was conceived my a mad scientist. His experiment was to ascertain the point where a society loses their ever-loving minds due to living in extreme heat conditions.

No doubt, heat, over long periods of time does mess with your head. It can cause you to hallucinate. Yep. Remember those movies depicting a lost soul wandering through the desert for days on end? Then, at the point of death, they experience a mirage where an oasis with a refreshing pool of blue water awaits them. They never make it, they just die with a mouth full of desert floor.

The heat messes with your head so much you are unable to escape. You are lethargic. Too many brain cells have been fried by the sun where you cannot even formulate a plan to cut and run. I've been in Arizona for almost twenty years and every year, when the temperature reaches triple digits, I can't seem to move about or, for that matter, think. It's like my legs are bucketed in cement and my brain has turned to mush.

So, what keeps me here? The tease of four months of glorious weather during a time where most of the country is shoveling out from under 6 feet of snow. You tend to forget just how flippin' hot it was for the past 8 months and how every single day for many many weeks in a row the temperature exceeded 110 degrees. Hell, I'm motivated to leave, but not until it's too late.

What's worse? Getting in to the spirit of Christmas is especially difficult when you end up having Christmas dinner outside on the patio because it's 82 degrees!!! During the holiday season, I want a snowman on my lawn not the remnants of the dead grass that did not make it through summer.

Those of you that complain about your 3-day rainfall or your icy conditions wouldn't stand a chance here in the desert. After just a few weeks, you'll begin to suffer from lack of cloud cover. Thank your luck stars you have the luxury of experiencing the four seasons. Because I tell you, living in the desert really blows.


  1. Well, I like winter pretty well so I won't be complaining about's summer that does me in. I can't imagine being in the desert...

    Do people annoy you by pointing out that well, but it's a DRY heat? Because here in Ontario, we would. We have HUMIDITY. Bring on the complaining next July!

    Hey and look, I am your first commenter today! :)

  2. A couple of years ago I spent Christmas in Costa Rica. It was the first time I'd had Christmas without snow. It was an interesting change but I tell you I kinda missed my traditional white Christmas with the tree, the turkey and the all the trimmings. Funny thing is I hate winter...but Christmas, that's something else. And you may not enjoy the desert but at this time of year I love dessert!

  3. I hear ya! I am in Tucson. I always think in those summer months "Who thought it was a good idea to build a town here?" I love it a mad scientist created AZ! Funny. We joke and say the Devil has a summer home here. I was in Mesa a couple of weeks ago and it was really nice. (at least Phoenix gets concerts, we have to drive 2 hours to see a good show) I thought I could live her if it weren't for the fact that it is 10 degrees hotter than Tucson. I know people will think "What differnece does 10 degrees make?" In the desert 10 degrees makes a big difference.

    We are supposed to get a freeze this weekend. Is Phoenix getting that storm too?

  4. Why didn't you tell me you were going to blogging MY mind today?

    Trust me I've asked myself so many times, "Why are we here again?"

    And what really kills me is the people who are using their fireplaces! Yeah put another log on... it's a chilly 73 degrees out!


    (Let me guess, you have an FP and you're using it, aren'tcha? hee hee hee)

  5. I'd rather live in a cold place than a hot place. I've spent some time in Phoenix, and I can honestly say that I hate it. It's always hot, even in winter. And it's bright. I can't stand all that brightness. It's maddening.

    And that's what I think about it.

  6. Yeah, yeah, it's a DRY heat but when it's 118 degrees in the shade, it STILL sucks says me who lives in beautiful coastal Southern California and only turns on her A/C maybe a grand total of 2 weeks a year.

  7. I once landed in Phoenix, Arizona at 9:30 at night.

    It was 98 degrees.

    I almost turned into a pile of salt.

    Weather the next day showed, 105 degress...then the FOLLOWING day said 108.

    Splashed across the number '108' was the word:



    NO shit. What the fuck is 105? Chilly?


  8. I, too, miss having all four seasons.
    Lately, here in Boston we are down to two: The Wet Season and The Not-As-Wet Season. Our torrential rainfall weekend was in the fifties! Today, a not-as-wet fifties.

    Those Greenhouse-Effect-preaching-types say this is this is what they have been talking about, (in a very "told you so!" kind of way.) And maybe they are right, but in any case, I think that longing for a normal cycle of seasons might be a wait for a train that has left the station, and "normal" is now whatever you no longer question!

    Fuckin' Mad Scientists.

  9. Oh, and P.S. In your "A" posting you requested suggestions for specific entries in your "Fractured ABC's" series:

    I would highly recommend, anticipate and appreciate, some recognition to the fractured, dysfunctional nature of "In-Laws" come the letter "I." I am very interested in your viewpoint of this topic, (as discretion alone has kept me from ranting on about it back at my place!)
    Thanks- Chris, the son-in-law to the original source of psychosis

  10. My perfect climate would be 2 weeks of cold, 2 weeks of hot, and 75 tropical degrees the rest of the time.

    I could do Christmas in AZ with no problem!

  11. LOL, loved this. And fear not - my comments are down also - it's what I call the "HolyDaze" - peeps are not their usual selves in these stressful trying times. The irony is, what they REALLY need is to stop in as usual for a good laugh and then get on with the day! (wink)

    The Old Silly

  12. LOL I feel the same way about where I live but in reverse. I hate the cold so why the hell do I live in Pennsylvania. It may not be the coldest place in the world but it's more than I care for.

  13. Here in Tennessee the summers are mild, the winters are mild, the spring and fall is lovely and I don't have anything to complain about. So now I feel all left out of things. Darn it.

  14. @ Lidian - Yeah, it's a dry heat, but so is my oven and you won't find me hanging out in it either. Thanks for being the 1st to comment today!

    @ Dufus - Ah, ha. You have fallen prey to the mad scientist's scheme, "Give them 4 months of paradise, then we'll zap them with intense heat".

    @ Christiejolu - My son lives near you, in Vail. The elevation there is 3200' and the temperature does vary from Phoenix at roughly 1100'. He says they rarely see temps over 108. LoL!

    @ Quirky - I believe this is on all the minds of Arizonans. Funny how we bust out our sweat shirts at 68 degrees. No, I don't have a FP, but if I did.....

    @ MikeWJ - You've heard of snow-blind? It's nothing compared to the constant brightness here - Yikes!!! I always wear the super-dark sunglasses, even in the house.

    @ Kelly - Would it be presumptuous to ask, "Are you looking for a roommate?" Honestly, I could handle only 2 weeks of A/C.

    @ moooooog - You are lucky you landed at all. There have been times where the airport has actually closed due to the heat. They say the planes can't land because their tires would explode as soon as they hit the runway. True story.

    @ C: - I'm looking for that same place - Utopia. I'll give you a shout when I do. Thanks for the suggestion. Given I have had 3 sets, the in-laws topic will be fun one!!!

    @ Geek Girl - I hear ya. But I'm ready to live where the snow is up to my ass, that is if I can pull my head out long enough to move.

    @ Marvin - Oh, my comments aren't down because they were never up. I shouldn't complain, at least they are consistent. Ciao!

    @ Ann - Wanna swap? Instead of "Wife Swap" we could "House Swap". I better call Lifetime TV, I may be on to something here.

    @ Leeuna - Good for you!!! Wow, is the name of your town Utopia? How do you find it? Is there a map?

  15. I've lived here (Toronto) all my life and I still hate winter. I tell you what, send some of your heat our way in the winter months and I'll see what I can do about bottling our winter cold and sending it to you in the summer. If you ask nicely, maybe I'll throw in a snowball or two as a bonus.

  16. @ Joel - Now, that's the best offer I've have had all day!!! It's a deal, thank you.

  17. Desert winters are nice compared to other places, but I find I'm such a wuss, I still complain about the cold. Either way, it amazes me that every year -- once it finally cools off -- I can't even imagine what 115F feels like.

  18. Your reason for loving the dessert climate is the same as mine for loving upstate NY... just in reverse. The long spring and mild summer make up for the 5 months of winter! (I hate triple digits!)

  19. Anything other than 73 degrees with just an ever-so-light breeze makes me cranky... and yes, I'm cranky most of the time.


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