Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Fractured ABC's Of Christmas - N

is for Nooter
With a wagging tail and four paws
His dog house is trimmed and lighted
As he anxiously waits for Santa Claus

Today's letter is dedicated to all of our furry four-legged friends. This suggestion is brought to you by Nooter the Dog. Nooter writes a blog where in his last episode he is trying to escape from his human. Why? Because the human is wanting to dress up Nooter for the annual holiday photo. Click on over to read more.

A recent poll shows that 52% of pet owners plan to buy their pet a holiday gift this year. There are the usual gifts such as a new collar and leash, doggie treats, balls and butcher's bones. Some pet owners will even purchase clothing to dress their pets on Christmas day. Most pets, like Nooter, do have issues with wearing clothing, I don't blame them. I think its hilarious to see the look on their faces, its almost like they are disgusted or embarrassed to be wearing a silly, festive frock.

Take a look.....

See what I mean? Elvis is a highly trained guard dog. He is macho. But, now that he's donning this elf costume, he just looks plain silly. You have challenged his ability to protect your home and family. Besides that, even a dog shouldn't be forced to wear horizontal stripes.

Now, I ask you, does this Christmas kitty look happy? No she doesn't, she is pissed! I imagine she is de-clawsed (pun intended). At least I hope she is or you'll be spending Christmas morning with a bottle of peroxide and a tube of antibiotic ointment. Don't you think she kind of resembles Winston Churchill? Sour puss.

Okay, a goat in the house dressed as Santa. Good, lord! You have to wonder, what in the hell is this goat thinking? I tell you what he's thinking. He's thinking you are a cheap bastard because your Christmas tree is an artificial one. C'mon, after all you'll buy your goat a Santa costume, couldn't you spring for a real tree too?

I'm not sure what these things are - toads or lizards? Regardless, nothing says Merry Christmas like dressing your reptile for the holidays. Can you imagine the look on Grandma's face as she reaches under the tree and finds these things? Holy crap! Did anyone remember to buy Grandma her Depends?

I put a red bandanna on my dog once, he didn't like it at all. He rolled around and shook with all his might until I removed it. I bought him boots once, I didn't know a 135 pound Akita could dance until I attempted to place them on his paws. I even bought him blinking reindeer antlers, he chewed them up. My dog, like Nooter, just isn't the pet-dressing type, he prefers to be al la natural.

Okay, I realize there are those of you that do dress your pets and, actually, I'd love to see their pictures - please provide a link in the comments or send them to me via email (memeking2000@yahoo.com) and I'll share them here later during this series of Fractured ABC's. I promise I won't make fun of them.....too much.

By the way, I want to thank those who have taken the time to vote for me over at Humor-Blogs. Dufus pointed out to me yesterday that my blog had reached the number one position! Wooo-hooo!!! If you'll look in the sidebar under Vote for the Screaming Me-Me, you'll notice the small banner with the number one in it. Got an extra 5 seconds? Then vote. Thank you very much!


  1. Somehow I don't think Hickory the Wonder Dog is going to like his new holiday attire. Guess we'll leave the holiday hats to Nooter.

  2. Shit like this is why some animals kill their owners.

  3. @ Cat Lady - Just what is his attire, I wanna see. Please send me a photo!

    @ moooooog - Exactly.

  4. wwoooooopppie!!!
    a post about me!

    oh im happy! my tails a-waggin'! im dancin! im happy! im...(crash!)
    oop. i will pay for that later.

    im happy! go tail go! woooooo!

  5. also i found out if you shred the costume, the human looses enthusiasm for his photo session.

  6. I've never owned an Akita, but I love the looks of the breed. Why would you want to attempt to dress one? They look better than most of my guest as they are...fo' sho'.

  7. I don't mean to bring things down but I just can't see dressing up dogs and cats when little kids elsewhere around the world can't afford to be fed or clothed properly - hell, little kids in our own country. Somebody's got their priorities mixed up.

  8. Nooter is a dog? A bona fide (pun intended) dog?

    Is he declawsed too?

    hee hee I love that word: declawsed.


  9. @ Nooter - I love the happy dance! Uh, oh! Were those ornaments that crashed to the floor? Run, Nooter, run!

    @ Don - I guess I just got caught up in the spirit of the season. Little did I realize the other dogs would have probably made fun of him.

    @ Dufus - I hear ya. It's truly a nice thought, but, I don't believe pet clothing would fit the children in Tibet or in Appalachia.

    @ Quirky - Yep, he's a bona fide puppy-dog. No, I doubt he's declawsed, no self-respecting dog would ever be declawsed.

  10. LOL! I loved the pictures. I tried putting antlers one year on my Pitbull. Yeah..he got them off then chewed them. I guess to make sure I never put them on again. He gets a bone that he hides every year.

  11. Shadow and Sheba aren't the hooman-clothes wearing type either. (but you'll have to admit that some of these photos are adorable.)

    Oh and I LOVE Nooter. He is so macho-dog. I'd just love to meet him in person...er...animal. I would hug him and squeeze him and luv him.... He'd probably bite me!! :)

  12. Yes, our Nooter is a big sweetheart.

    I LUV the kitteh and the reptiles are truly special. My kitty would not even wear a color.

    Congrats on #1!

  13. When I had labs I never tried to put clothes on them but now that I have my Westie he does have sweaters, I've never bought him a costume though.

  14. I don't buy clothing or presents for my dog or cat but I do know why people do buy presents for them. They are much easier to please, never ask to return the gift and are happy even if it is a stupid ass gift. Clothing on the other hand is just weird. I too tried to put boots on my dog, because it was cold not for any kind of fashion thing. The dog danced around too and walked like he was in a Monty Python skit. It was well worth the $24 even if he ate them afterward.

  15. What moooog said. Pets aren't meant to be dressed up. People aren't meant to be dressed up. I think we should all commit to celebrating Christmas naked, in fact.

  16. It's one thing to dress your pet up in a costume for sheer entertainment value, double points if you're stoned at the time because it's even funnier, but people who dress their pocket dogs up in frilly outfits because they think it's "cute" automatically lose 47 IQ points.

  17. I don't buy my dog or cat Christmas gifts. I feed them, house them and shower them with affection. Never have they said, "Hey, it's freakin' Christmas, bitch. Where's our stash?"

    And yes, the kitty does look like Winston Churchill.

  18. This really made me smile. Poor animals!

  19. @ Christiejolu - Silly puppies. My dog buries and reburies his bone several times a day. I wonder if he thinks I'm going to dig up and take it from him?

    @ Leeuna - Nooter is definitely a big bounding puppy of love. He doesn't bite, honest.

    @ Geek Girl - I don't know what those things are. A friend called and he said they were bearded dragons. Go figure.

    @ Ann - If I had a Westie as cute as your Duke, I'd have to put a black leather jacket on him along with a pair of shades.

    @ Jen - I bought the boots for my dog, Soco, because we were headed to the high country where the snow was deep and icy. The dance Soco did was hysterical. You're right, well worth the price of the boots.

    @ MikeWJ - Thanks, now I've got a visual I really could have done without. Have a merry nekked holiday!

    @ Kelly - Right on! I agree with the drop in IQ.

    @ Jayne - No kidding, I've never found a present under the tree from any of my pets. Hey, thanks for bringing me around full circle.

    @ adrienzgirl - Oh, those are iguanas? Thanks for the info.

    @ AVY - I'm just doing my part. Glad you enjoyed it.

  20. Iguanas. And I know what all of them are thinking. They are thinking they know just what to put under the tree.

  21. Oh lord these are hilarious. Having a cat, I especially love the cat one. If I tried that shit on my cat, he'd have a worse face than that.

  22. Nothing wrong with a little Noot-love around the holidays.

    People who dress up their animals have deep-seated emotional problems, no doubt.


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