WANTED: Husband

After so many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's, it has become apparent that I am in need of a husband. And, I've decided, to begin accepting applications. After reviewing the qualifications below and you feel you have the "right stuff", please apply immediately.

Suitable candidates should demonstrate proof of the following:
1. ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
2. can lift heavy objects without complaining
3. can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
4. ability to get lid off tough jars, cans of paint and other packaging
5. ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
6. high boredom threshold re: multiple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's
7. high performing "man parts"

In addition, ability to perform plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills beyond Neanderthal man, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture, politics and financial solvency are a plus, but not essential. Well, on that last point...I do want a breast lift and can't really afford one.

Finally, bonus points for ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) plus suitable transportation for toting purchases.

What you get is a wife that fits the following description:
1. blond hair, blue eyes, tall, curvy figure
2. intelligent, interesting, attractive
3. no kids, no drama
4. considered to have a great sense of humor
5. raised in the south and has good southern manners
6. can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
7. loves sex and will put you to the test

Please send applications including your experience in "fixing stuff", income details, your mother's maiden name, social security number, full medical history and five references. Preliminary interviews will begin next week and may include practical exercises.

Thanking you in advance for your interest.

Employment Wanted

Former Marijuana Smuggler

Having successfully completed a 10-year sentence, incident free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana into the United States, I am now seeking a legal and legitimate means to support myself and my family.

Business experience: Owned and operated a successful fishing business -- multi-vessel, one airplane, one island and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks conducting business in the western United States.... I also participated in the executive level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot-smuggling venture with revenues in excess of $100-million US annually. I took responsibility for my own actions and received a 10-year sentence in the United States while others walk free for their cooperation.

Attributes: I am an expert in all levels of security; I have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken in schools to thousands of kids and parent groups over the past ten years on the “consequences of choice”, and received public recognition from the RCMP for community service. I am well traveled and speak English, French and Spanish. References available from friends, family and the U.S. District Attorney, etc.

Please direct replies to
Box 375, National Post, Classified
1450 Don Mills, ON, M3B 3R5

This is an actual classified ad as it appeared in The Financial Post in Toronto, Canada, February 23, 2001. The employment seeker received over 600 responses.