Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Humor Bloggers: The Continuing Story

Some of the best minds of Humor Bloggers have gotten together to write a continuing story. Each one of us picks up where the last writer left off. 

If you haven't been following...here's the story so far:

(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.

(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldehyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.

"It's smaller than I thought it would be."

(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.

Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message

'? from Your Secret Admirer ?'

written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.

(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.

She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.

Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.

Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....

(AmyOops) But on her journey back, she learned in Belguim they don't use deutschmarks to open the toliets. So here she was stranded in a strange country and had to use the bathroom.

Oh whats a girl to do....

( Ettarose) She did the only thing she could think to do. She hiked her skirt up and grabbing her naughty parts, let loose with a long perfectly aimed stream of pee that went up over the cracked wooden stall door and gave a satisfying groan as she heard it hit her mark. “Hey!” someone yelled from the other side of the locked door. “Watch who the hell you are pissing on you skank!” Wanda was so startled she lost her concentration and as her pee dribbled down her legs and soaked her bobby socks. The door slammed open and there stood the biggest, hairiest lesbian Wanda had ever seen. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked in awe as Wanda’s piss dripped off her nose. Oh great Wanda thought, now what?

(Lady Sarcasm) Wanda thought that it she played up on the woman's (?) awe, that she could charm her way right out of this hot mess. "I was a model for the P-mate, and eventually I showed them I could do it without a P-mate, so I was fired." Wanda explained. "Why I'll be!" said the burly lesbian known as Jackee. Jackee's awe was short lived Wanda noticed. Jackee was stepping forward. "That model thing was kind of cute, but what are you going to do about the fact that you just pissed all over me huh?" asked Jackee. Wanda immediately thought of that formaldahyde and tree sap smelling Triceratops penis...

“Do you wanna?” asked Wanda. “Do I wanna what?” countered Jackee. “Do you wanna foot long?” clarified Wanda. “No honey, I don’t go that way” exclaimed Jackee. “No, no” said a weary Wanda, “Do you wanna foot long for five bucks?” “Hey! shouted Jackee, “I won’t go there at any price!” Disappointed, Wanda quelled the rumblings in her tummy. She’d had her heart set on that steak and mushroom foot-long submarine sandwhich at Subway.

To subtly shift the subject of speech Wanda whispered “I absolutely adore alliteration”. “Some would say so” joked Jackee. “Oh, did I say that outloud” wondered Wanda, “Sorry”.

“I have a penis” proclaimed Wanda. “And I thought I was hiding something” retorted Jackee. “No, no” said Wanda, “It’s not mine – it belonged to a Triceratops. Here, look.”

“Oh my it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before” sighed Jackie. “Yeah, I can’t imagine you’ve seen many penises, eh?” queried (no pun intended – queer-eed) Wanda.

But that’s where Wanda was wrong (no alliteration intended). It turned out Jackee was not only of the poetess Sappho persuasion, she was also... (rimshit followed by cymbals)(hey, this is a cheap meme, not a big budget hollywood suspense thriller) ...a palaeontologist!!!

“Au contraire” parlayed Jackie – because not only was she a gay palaeontologist, but she came from gay Pa-ree!!! “I have seen many pre-historic penises, just never one this small or one this bleu, sacre!”

“Hmmm,” Wanda thought, “That’s the first time I’ve heard a big dyke complain about a small dick!”

Wanda's attention was drawn to a drop of her urine that was slowly rolling down the nose of her new lesbian friend. The droplet seemed to balance on the end of Jackee's nose and glisten in the sun. Her moment with the urine was shattered when Jackee blurted out - "So can I see it again?"

"See what? I thought you did not like dicks?" Wanda responded

"Not your dick silly, the dino dick. Back at my lab in gay paree - it's located in the homosexual section of the city, don't judge me the rent is cheap. Anyways in my lab we can conduct all sorts of tests on the dino dick and maybe learn something about its' former owner"

"Um I dunno, what can you learn from a dick?"

"Well if you listen to my girlfriend you can learn how to belch, scratch your ass and use power tools" Jackee laughed.

"Maybe you're right Jackee, testing the dino dick in the lab could get me closer to finding out who sent me the prehistoric penis. Where did they get it? and what message are they trying to send me?"

"So you and your dino dick will come to my lab in Paris for testing?

"Speaking for my dick I can say that we would be happy to join you at your lab"

"Excellent Excellent" Jackee exclaimed jumping up and down causing the remaining urine to fly off her in a fine mist. "You'll love Paris, and I can't wait for you to meet my girlfriend. She has her own vagina now. You honestly can't tell she used to be an accountant named Steve"

Wanda shuddered inside about the prospect of meeting a post operative "Steve", but she forced a smile and responded - "Great So when can we go?"

(dizzlnd) "We can go now! I already have a passport. I was going to see my favorite aunt who's last wish is to see me before she dies. The hospital in Charles de Gaulle called me just this morning and said she doesn't have long to live. But she would understand.

So the next day Wanda, Jackee and "Twinkie" were on a plane headed for Europe. They did have to get a special permit for Twinkie to fly though. It also had to be encased in special plexi-glass and have its own seat. Surprisingly, no one wanted to sit near them.

When they arrived it was 3AM local time. After they got off the plane, they headed for their rental car which was in the furthest lot possible. Carrying the plexi-glass case was awkward, but it was better than carrying Twinkie in a bag. Suddenly, they heard footsteps running behind them, by the time they turned around, it was too late. Wanda felt the effects of 10,000 volts of electricity rush through her as the unknown assailant tased her and another guy knocked Jackee out cold. They grabbed the case and ran. Little did they know, that burst of electricity was all Twinkie needed to reanimate...

(screamingme-me)…to its original erected state, the case could no longer contain the enlarged penis. As the plexi-glass broke away, Twinkie took on a life of its own.

Wanda and Jackee were both aroused by the prehistorical screams. They returned to their feet and were astounded by the sight of an 8-foot penis running along the tarmac. As Twinkie approached them, it gave them a one-eyed wink as if it was thanking them and then continued on its, seemingly, frantic search.

“What is Twinkie looking for?”, asked Wanda.

Wanda squinted and began scanning the horizon. She was speechless as her eyes focused on a rather larger figure. Wanda reached for Jackee’s hand to point her attention to the creature. But, before a word was spoken, the enormous creature began bellowing. And, much to their surprise, Twinkie answered with another ear-piercing scream.

Jackee motioned to Wanda that they should take cover…



Hawaiian Pun, it's time to wrap it up!

9 comments:

  1. LOVED IT! I knew you would be great at that. I can't wait to see the end

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  2. ...a one-eyed wink... loved it!

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  3. OMG one eyed wink.

    I can't wait to post the story in it's entirety.

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  4. A work of art. A disturbing, obscene work of art.

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  5. Everyone has some great story telling talent. I say we put several of these together and make a book. Great job!

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  6. hello thanks for dropping by at my site
    would you care for an exchange links?

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  7. Hah! You guys are great. Keep up the good work. You can't go wrong with Spaz. Well, er...there may be some risk there.

    ReplyDelete
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