After so many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's, it has become apparent that I am in need of a husband. And, I've decided, to begin accepting applications. After reviewing the qualifications below and you feel you have the "right stuff", please apply immediately.Suitable candidates should demonstrate proof of the following:
1. ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
2. can lift heavy objects without complaining
3. can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
4. ability to get lid off tough jars, cans of paint and other packaging
5. ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
6. high boredom threshold re: multiple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's
7. high performing "man parts"
In addition, ability to perform plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills beyond Neanderthal man, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture, politics and financial solvency are a plus, but not essential. Well, on that last point...I do want a breast lift and can't really afford one.
Finally, bonus points for ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) plus suitable transportation for toting purchases.
What you get is a wife that fits the following description:
1. blond hair, blue eyes, tall, curvy figure
2. intelligent, interesting, attractive
3. no kids, no drama
4. considered to have a great sense of humor
5. raised in the south and has good southern manners
6. can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
7. loves sex and will put you to the test
Please send applications including your experience in "fixing stuff", income details, your mother's maiden name, social security number, full medical history and five references. Preliminary interviews will begin next week and may include practical exercises.
Thanking you in advance for your interest.
Well I'm not applying for the position because I'm already married and I happen to be a woman, but I had to comment on vociferously.
ReplyDeleteShould your blog title be: The Vociferous Me-Me!!!?
heh heh
Wow, you kinda sound like the southern version of the Nigerian lottery or sumpin' Me-Me. I'm already married but I think the secret to a good relationship is a big screen TV. TiVo optional.
ReplyDeleteIf you have extra applicants from Maine or Iowa let me know and I might consider gay-marrying them. Then we can find my wife and I another wife who likes to clean.
ReplyDeletethanks for the job description - now if you were willing to travel and somehow could catch this Brit Ben Southall, you'll have it made. Check out "a few clowns short"
ReplyDeleteHe just landed the dream job of the world.
I want one of those. I am reminded of those nature shows with the host narrating in hushed tones saying something like:
ReplyDelete"if you are quiet you can sneak up on the perfect man, there are few as this is now a nearly extinct species but if you do happen across one you might find him asking how his wife's day was"
um, hello i would like to apply for this position. i am manly and have the following to offer:
ReplyDelete1. can fix things around the house, for example there was this clock that was making an annoying ticking sound so i fixed it by knocking it off the desk- now its nice and quiet. also i come with a human who says he can work on cars and such.
2. lifting heavy objects like a big juicy ham bone are no problem.
3. of course i will gladly share my opinions about everything
4. opening packages is a weakness, i currently rely on the human to get into my bags of snaks.
5. can carry up to two tennis balls in my mouth so that should be no problem.
6. no boredom here- last time we went to the pet store i ran around and there was lots of chasing and things falling off shelves and people yelling. good times, good times.
7. alas, another weakness here as that scoundrel veterinarian tricked me and removed my jiggly man bits.
would also point out that i make an excellent alarm system, garbage disposal, chick magnet, dishwasher, squirrel exerciser and compost producer.
what is the positions salary, and are you covering relocation expenses? thank you
If a man doesn't like multiple trips to home depot or to lowes he's probably gay.
ReplyDeleteIt's the mall.
That fucking mall.
sigh.
Ha ha I do believe that an application is a good weeding process. Never thought of that ability to fix things. Mine would read the ability to fix things or recognize when you can't fix things and be able to pay for it.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't mention anything about needing to be single. I meet that requirement, assuming it is a requirement.
ReplyDeleteIs there any leeway on the other things? In particular, I'm totally useless at fixing things. And my personal best time for tolerating stores like Home Depot is 47 seconds.
However, I can carry stuff for you, as long as its not too heavy. And when you say 'high performing "man parts" ', how high performing do you mean. What are the standards here?
I'm willing to be tested. Are you any good at restarting hearts if necessary?
...mom...?
ReplyDeleteThose standards are way high. All I meet is that I have a car.
ReplyDeleteWhen you lower them to "likes to sit on the couch and watch, sports, and has a car" then I would happily apply.
I don't seem to meet any of those requirements (well, elaborate on "high performing"), but I have an extensive DVD collection.
ReplyDeleteI can't do any of those things. Do you happen to place any value in the ability to drink grain alcohol without vomiting? Ooh, maybe parallel parking! I'm pretty good at that too.
ReplyDeleteHowdy.
ReplyDeleteCouple things, Me-Me. First, I have two blogrolls at Maugeritaville, the Honor Roll and Detention Hall. Detention Hall is for my favorite bloggers who usually have an edgier approach and are not always real polite. That's a good thing.
Also, can you tell me why one of my old posts just ended up on the Humor Bloggers page? I mean, it's my favorite so it's good to get it out there again, but I'm not sure how it happened. (The rest of you might take this opportunity to check it out too!)
Props to Moooooog35!!! I thought I was going to bust a gut laughing when I read his/her (its?) comment.
ReplyDeleteAs in regards to the post itself, I thought it was great at first, but after hearing my wife sadly sighing as she read it...
I've been living with the hillbillies for 30 years; just give me a coat hanger and some good ol' ducktape and I can fix any thing. You might want to come down here for Sadie Hawkins Day, and try your luck, but I've always been a long distance runner ha ha.
ReplyDeleteAl Capp's Li'l Abner -- Sadie Hawkins Day.
While I, as a man, meet most of those criteria myself, I'm not really eager to perform many of those duties personally. But if you have some overflow of qualified candidates, please pass along a man-husband for me. I'm not really interested in the highly functioning man-parts however.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Ability to remember important dates (birthdays, anniversaries etc...) is crucial too.
ReplyDeleteHysterical post and the comments are too!!! Hey good luck with the application - perhaps a rental center??? That way you can return/exchange easily.
ReplyDeleteWell? You haven't said if you're willing to overlook my deficiencies and accept my offer. If so, I'm eager to book my plane ticket. And, because I'm Canadian, there's the Immigration and Naturalization Service for me to deal with, unless, of course, you'd be willing to move here.
ReplyDeleteWait. You weren't kidding, were you? Damn! You WERE kidding, weren't you?
Unfortunately, I fit more of the items in your "What You Get" list than in your "What I Want" list. Call me any time you're feeling particularly narcissistic.
ReplyDeletei enjoyed this conversations...from the author to the reader..lol
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm a semi retired building contractor with "high performance" man parts. I also am divorced and could not care less about another marriage. I'm having too much fun being single. Besides, I'm an asshole with asshole friends and we only have asshole parties. Good Luck!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a application. I thought the requirements were reasonable but I have not seen many qualified applicants. Fun post.
ReplyDelete"I do want a breast lift and can't really afford one."
ReplyDeleteWell, no one can ever fault you for lack of honesty!
Oh, so this is how it's done! I would just call Handyman Unlimited...but then I've been single longer than the entire Jurassic period, so I might not be up on these newfangled dating things.
ReplyDeleteSo glad I found your blog at HBDC, Me-Me. What fun! And, bonus, you made me realize that I have been going at this man-hunt all wrong. I may have to post an application of my own soon...
ReplyDeleteHi I am carolene from philippines i am looking for a foreigner husband. I am very simple lady and attractive. please e mail me at blessed_013@yahoo.com. Thanks see you soon..take care
ReplyDelete