Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Report Card Daze

Not that I was ever a "bad" student, but there were those times during my grade school years that I absolutely dreaded taking home my report card. It wasn't the grades that made me consider running away from home just to escape "the look" I would get from my parents, it was those damn comments the teachers would include.

I mean, I could always explain away an unacceptable grade, but trying to explain those remarks on the back of my report card was a tough sell. Then I got a load of these actual comments from a New York school system and thought, "Me-Me is a daydreamer and is not working at her full potential due talking out of turn and wandering around the classroom at inappropriate times" wasn't so bad.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


  1. Great list! I like it.

    My faves: #2 and #11

    Ha ha hee hee ho ho!

  2. My faves #3 and #9
    YOu are hilarous!
    One question though- Do you get income from this blog at all? Just wondering.

  3. Are you sure they're from New York? WIth the exception of #8, they sound like my old report card comments.

  4. you were just totally misunderstood

  5. @ Quirky - Those are great!!! If my children were younger, I might throw these at them as zingers.

    @ Princess Chocolately - Thank you, thank you. No, I do not make any income from my blog. Why, got any ideas?

    @ Joel - Poor thing. We you ever grounded? I sure was.

    @ Peach Tart - Believe me, I tried that argument so many times that my parents would preference "the talk" with "we know you are misunderstood, but....."

  6. @Me-Me King - I was a very sedentary child. Grounding me would have been redundant.

    (By the way, true story: My grade one teacher used to make me take my notebook, walk up and down the aisles and show the other kids an example of bad printing. I think that was the start of the development my current lack of self-confidence.)

  7. Well I just thought you could make Screaming Me-Me t-shirts and stuff. That would be really cool. You should do a poll if you should have t-shirts or not.

  8. #6 and #8...haha.

    I had a teacher in high school say I was a different person every day. In front of the entire class. What does that even mean? Was he implying that I had a personality disorder? I could probably sue him nowadays.

    You should be proud of yourself, really. You were a strong little girl!

  9. I got number six a lot from the gym teachers. Never could figure out what they meant by it.

    I was too concerned with getting that routine BLT with whipped cream on top sandwich when I got home.

  10. A. Those aren't real. B. They've been a circulating e-mail among educators for about a decade.

    That said, I'd love to use some of those. They are indeed hilarious.

  11. Most of my teacher comments had something to do with my as-yet-undiagnosed ADD --

    "Daydreams a lot"
    "Has trouble focusing on the task at hand"
    "Does not contribute meaningfully to class discussions"

    --stuff like that.

  12. That is too dang funny!!! I love #8

  13. @Joel - Yeah, I can relate, I was made an example of one too many times.

    @Princess Chocolately - Thanks for the tip, definitely something to consider.

    @mama-face - Could it be he was referring to your well-rounded personality? That's how I would have played it off.

    @CB Jones - Whipped cream on a BLT?!? I've never heard of any such combo, must be pretty darn good if it was that much of a distraction during PE. Of course, for me, anything was a distraction during PE.

    @Chris - Yeah, sure. Now I guess you're going to tell me that the WWF is fake. Admit it, you've at least thought these things about some of your students.

    @Breath of Insanity - (Sigh) Me too. I just felt that I wasn't being challenged enough to hold my attention long enough to be the "model" student.

    @WT - Must have been a really strong swimmer. LOL!

    @Chickenista - I can't wait to use that one on a couple of friends that still think playing dumb is cool.

  14. I have left you a blog award here: http://nanjodogz.blogspot.com/2009/07/blog-award.html

    Pick up when you get a chance. Have a Happy Fourth of July!

  15. Seems as though my most often cited problem was that while I was pretty good kid in class I was always fighting at recess. My dad thought it was cool, but my mom knew the principal.

  16. @Nancy - Thank you, I'll be right over!

    @Don - Fight, fight, fight! Yeah, I remember a few time where a couple of boys would square off.

    Growing up in a small southern town, my parents knew the principal, the teachers, and the lunch ladies. They had spies everywhere, so my sisters and I couldn't get away with shit.

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