Thursday, October 29, 2009

Save Money. Live And Die Better.

How timely, it's Halloween week and WalMart has announced they are now selling caskets and urns. Their online store offers a variety of coffins and vessels to meet your or your loved one's needs. (Not available in stores, you won't be able to try it before you buy it.) With the exception of the one pictured here, they sell 14 coffins priced under $2,000. What savings!

WalMart has a casket style for everyone - the Lady de Guadalupe model, Mom Remembered, Dad Remembered and the Executive Privilege model just to name a few.

As I searched their website, I noticed there is a "Q&A" section. Here's an sample of actual questions asked by their shoppers.

Q: Does this casket or others come in a larger size, i.e. length, width to accommodate a person?

A: All our caskets are standard size and accommodate most people. However, if you mean a 'larger' person we have three (3) casket models that are built extra wide with four (4) extra inches of interior width. Please look at our Royal Star (2 versions) or the Regal Extra Wide.

Great! This will save the embarrassment of having to be squeezed into a coffin due to the middle-age spread.

Q: I received a casket today and it does not seal. Is the casket supposed to seal?

A: The casket you ordered is gasketed and has a rubber seal. The gasket seals the casket where the lid comes down and closes. However, no casket, including the one you ordered, is air tight or completely sealed.

Well, now this explains how the un-dead are able to escape.

I guess my only question would be, "Is this product offered on the lay-a-way plan?"

I also noticed there is a "Rate and Review" section. I suppose there is a questionnaire included with the purchase and it's eventually received by WalMart from the world beyond. I imagine a completed survey may look something like this.

1. Is this your first purchase of one of our caskets?
Yes, and my last.

2.
How would you rate the casket's overall performance?
Well, I am concerned about the air leaks; it's drafty, even at 6 feet under.

3.
Are you satisfied with your casket?
Sure, it's a comfortable fit and the lining is divine.

4. Would you recommend our caskets to a friend?
Absolutely, I'm sure my friends are dying to try one!

Thank you WalMart! It's good to know, even in the afterlife, we are still saving!


Now, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com for more of the Halloween Humor Carnival.

22 comments:

  1. Great idea for a post Me-Me. I myself would have many questions for Wal-Mart about their caskets, including what's their return policy if it falls apart like all the other cheaply made crap they sell and do I have to assemble it myself. Not that I'm really going to care when I'm dead, but still.....

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  2. I saw on the news that they were doing this. Good spin on the story.

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  3. LMAO! You have the best sense of humor!! I love that...my first and last!!

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  4. Ah you beat me to it! When I heard this on the news I immediately thought: blog post!

    But you handled it much better than I would have!

    Mucho funny Lady Margo! Mucho, mucho funny!

    I love the completed survey! hee hee hee

    Walmart: Always Low Prices

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  5. 2. How would you rate the casket's overall performance?

    I would have to answer:

    "I don't know yet."

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  6. That's funny on the one hand, but people are concerned about leaks and sealing? What difference does it make unless somebody is planning a murder and wants the deceased to deteriorate faster...

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  7. this made me choke on my granola bar. funny stuff, I love this blog!

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  8. I'll bet you had to dig deep to come up with such a humorous take on this grave subject. *groan*

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  9. Seriously? We're going to have whining from the funeral homes now that they are being priced out of business by the mean old box store!
    Do they take coupons?

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  10. Until I followed the link you provided I assumed you made up 100% of this. Caskets at WalMart? That in itself sounded too funny to me.

    If WalMart ever starts carrying caskets in its stores I hope it starts dressing its "greeters" more somberly. Then again, some of the people WalMart puts at the front of its stores look like they'll be customers very soon.

    Re satisfaction rating #4: "Would you recommend this casket to a friend?" No, but I have recommended that some of my enemies make immediate use of it.

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  11. Is it returnable if it is not to my satisfaction?

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  12. @ MikeWJ - Well, their features state, "handcrafted"...that ought to say something. Exactly what, I'm not too sure.

    @ Peach Tart - I just call 'em as I see 'em.

    @ Lee - I don't know about you, but I only plan on buying just one.

    @ Quirky - I beat you to it! I beat you to it! Were you watching Channel 5?

    @ moooooog - What, are you waiting for the warranty to run out? Better answer while to still have the chance to trade up.

    @ Don - Exactly! I think this would be a great plot line for CSI.

    @ Sissy - Don't choke until you have ordered your coffin from WalMart.

    @ dufus - Ahahahaha, clever, very clever.

    @ Buggys - Seriously. I bet the funeral homes will hand down a BYOC policy.

    @ Joel - What? I don't make this shit up! WalMart greeters have always appeared to me to be a bit zombiefied.

    @ CatLadyLarew - No kidding! Isn't its WalMart's policy, "No likey, no problem"?

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  13. Great job! Also loved your survey answers. This made a terrific pre-Halloween post and also served a greater good, because I can cross one item off my long-term to-do list.

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  14. I am saving up to be buried in a KISS casket. Have you seen that thing?

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  15. @ Kablooey - This has been a Public Service Announcement.....

    @ Joker_SATX - I think even Gene Simmons would like the Executive Privilege model (the price is right!) and then he'd slap a KISS sticker on it.

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  16. Do they offer a satisfaction guarantee? I'd hate to wake up in one of these and find I didn't like it.

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  17. Well Walmart certainly can cover all our needs from birth to death and everything in between. I'm curious also about their return policy.

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  18. Walmart should join forces with the Church. You go to church and get saved, then you buy your casket at discount (Church member discount privilages) at Walmart, and then CONTINUE to be saved while saving in the afterlife! It's a win win win!

    Marvin D Wilson

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  19. I had to check it out too. Wow, file this in the "now I've seen everything" category. Heavy on the Gory part. We have casket makers in town here so often you will see their truck going by on the road with a picture of a casket and some sort of slogan saying "slow down, we can wait". One of those businesses that never goes under I suppose.

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  20. Just be sure to keep your receipt.

    Just so you know, I think Costco carries the higher quality varieties.

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  21. It's official. Wal-Mart is trying to put every type of business out of business.

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  22. If my family buys my casket at Walmart, I'm coming back from the dead and kicking their collective asses.

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