Up Against The Wall, Spread 'Em!

No, I'm not an attorney; however, the person that wrote the following article is. Not only may you (or someone you know) benefit from this excellent advice, you may also find this "Best of Craig's List" submission rather amusing.

Some Advice From Your Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed. 

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you. 

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up. 

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z. 

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them. 

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less. 

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet. 

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself. 

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. 

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry. 

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail. 

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security. 

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison. 

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense. 

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense 

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense. 

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense. 

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends. 

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die. 

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase. 

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.  

Don't forget.....you have until midnight to submit your caption over at Me-Me's Playhouse - it's worth The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits to you! 

Pick Up Lines To Get To Your Big, Fat Redneck Wedding

Yea! It's Saturday! Tonight I'll be watching one of my favorite programs, My Big, Fat Redneck Wedding. Have you ever wondered what leads to these people gettin' hitched in the first place? Most of the blessed couples have already been married 3-4 times, why take the plunge again? You also wonder what kind of finessing had to have taken place. Well, I just may have the inside scoop on this phenomenon - redneck pick up lines. 

1. Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2. My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

3. Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd love to check you out.

4. Is there a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

5. You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

6. Fat penguin.....sorry, I just wanted something to break the ice.

7. I know I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make yer bed-rock.

8. I can't find my monkey, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

9. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.

And, the best fer last.....

11. Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Don't forget to make your way over to Me-Me's Playhouse for another installment of "Caption This!". You have until midnight Sunday to submit your captions. 

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 4

(Cue circus music.) Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the greatest show on earth! It's time for another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!  It's fun and oh so easy to play.

Simply put on your thinking cap and take a gander at the photo below.  Then, once your brain engages, submit your caption. See how easy this is?

Amaze your friends and family with the lovely Golden Phallus. This coveted trophy will be awarded to the author of the winning caption. Wouldn't this look great on your fireplace mantel? Plus, there's more! The winner will also be awarded 500, that's right, 500 EC credits.

And, what's a contest without the fine print? Enter as often as you like, contest ends midnight Sunday. Be sure to check back here Monday for the announcement of those that received most-honorable mentions and the grand prize winner.  The decision of The Impartial Panel of Three is final.

Ahhh, The Boys Of Summer

Here's something you probably don't know about me, I love baseball! I mean, I really love baseball. Unfortunately, growing up in Arkansas, we did not have a pro-baseball team; but, what we did have was the farm team for the St. Louis Cardinals, the Arkansas Travelers, named for the state's official song. Funny, when the organ master would play this song, no one knew the words. 

As an adult, I was living in Little Rock where the Travelers' home games were held. I'd head to the games with visions of hot dogs, beer and peanuts in my head and a lot of enthusiasm. After attending just a few games, I became an official member of the "Bleacher Bums". We sat between 3rd base and home plate and would heckle the opposing team, stomp our feet on the metal bleachers and yell obscenities at the Traveler's manager. (Trust me, those obscenities were truly warranted.) Once, a couple of our members were even ejected from the game. Why? For having a good time, that's why.

Then, I moved to Arizona.  At that time, there was no pro baseball; however, living just a couple of blocks from the ballpark, I had access to the Tucson Toros. A triple-A minor league team associated with the Houston Astros, the Toros had me in their bleachers at most home games stomping in time with the music of the organ. During the 7th inning stretch, there was always entertainment on the field. Captain Dynamite was a local favorite; he would actually throw his body over a box of TNT. Of course, the crowd went wild as the silver-lammed figure went flying through the air.

Finally, after living in Phoenix 5 years or so, we were awarded a major league franchise, the Arizona Diamondbacks. To win the World Series in just their second year was quite a feat. I don't get to these games as often as I'd like; quite frankly, it's not as fun and the cost of watching the boys of summer play has become astronomical. Truthfully, I yearn for the good 'ol days of a minor league game and Captain Dynamite.

Take a good look at the short video below.  Now, watch carefully.  Is that legal?

     

Wacky Wednesday! - Weird News

Are you sick and tired of having "and, now for the bad news" thrown in your face each and every time you read the newspaper or watch television? Well, today's installment of Wacky Wednesday! - Weird News gives us a comic relief from the events surrounding war, unemployment, murder and mayhem. Yes, these are actual news clippings from Thailand and Germany.  Enjoy!   

Just The Facts: The Animal Kingdom

1. Nearly 80% of all animals have 6 legs.

2. The first contraceptive was crocodile dung used by the ancient Egyptians.

3. Count the number of cricket chirps in a 15-second period, add 37 and your result will be very close to the actual indoor Fahrenheit temperature.

4. It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

5. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

6. Studies show, if a cat falls off a 7th floor building it has about a 30% less chance in surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th floor.  It supposedly takes about 8 floors for the cat to realize what is happening, relax and correct itself.

7. A whale's penis is called a dork.

8. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let go instantly.

9. An ostrich's eye is larger than its brain.

10. The male gypsy moth can "smell" a virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

11. A horse can look forward with one eye and back with the other eye.

12. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually in distinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they can be confused at a crime scene.

13. Over 1,000 birds die each year from smashing into windows.

14. If you place a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

15. A pig's orgasm last 30 minutes.

 

"Caption This" No. 3: The Winner Is.....

Okay, I know, I'm a week behind. And, I apologize; but, honestly, I've really been busy. There were just too many damned rattlesnakes out at the ranch for me to deal with and I rather not spend the next six months indoors waiting for their migration to their den for winter. So, I bit the bullet and moved back to the urban sprawl of the Valley of the Sun. Not that I'm all that happy about it, but what's a girl to do?

"The Impartial Panel of Three" really had a tough time deciding this edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This" No. 3 due to the overwhelming response. Right at 42 clever captions were submitted for this edition's photo. Thanks to all of you for your participation. Now, several of your captions definitely made an impression on the panel and have received a most-honorable mention, they are: Chris, Mike, Chelle, CarsonB and The Dyer Boys - congrats!

The envelope please.....

The author of the winning caption is moooooog35 over at Mental Poo. Congratulations moooooog, well done. Moooooog takes home the coveted Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits.  Please stop by moooooog's place and give his blog a read, I'm sure you'll find it interesting and entertaining.

     

".....and the life of a serial killer begins." 

Be sure to check back this Friday for another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This". Like moooooog, you could also be taking home The Golden Phallus along with 500 EC credits!

Memorial Day 2009

And I'm proud to be an American,

Where at least I know I'm free.

And I won't forget the men who died,

Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

Next to you and defend her still today.

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,

God bless the U.S.A.

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 3

Yep, it's time for another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This".   

The Rules Are Quite Simple:

1. View the photo below.

2. Insert a creative caption.

See how easy this is?  

Now, what do we have for the winner?

1. The Golden Phallus

2. 500 EntreCard Credits

The Fine Print: 

Enter often.

Contest closes at midnight Sunday.

The winning caption will be announced Monday.  

Decision of  the "Impartial Panel of Three" is final.

  

Click photo for a larger view...yikes!

Excessive Gambling and Sexual Urges?

Last night I was enjoying TIVO - catching up on several TV programs I had missed during the past week. The beauty of TIVO is you can skip the commercials that ordinarily demand your absolute attention and, subsequently, turn us into zombie-like consumers. During a trip to the kitchen (okay, so I gave into a commercial for popcorn), I overheard an ad for Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS).

At first I was numb to the agony of such an affliction, but what really drew my attention was the list of side effects for the medication recommended to ease the symptoms. There were the usual: nausea, headaches and dizziness. But, as the announcer continued listing the side effects talking as fast as he could so maybe you wouldn't catch exactly what he was saying, I was dazed and confused.

• "You may fall asleep without warning during daily activities such as driving." If texting drivers aren't bad enough, now we have to worry about those behind the wheel with RLS?
  
• "If you have urges that lead to pathological gambling and/or excessive/inappropriate sexual activity, contact your physician at once." This one leaves me half-tempted to visit a local casino to conduct a poll of couples leaving together. I'd give them my best in-the-name-of-medical-research posture and, with all the seriousness I could possibly muster, ask, "Excuse me, are either of you currently taking medication for RLS?".
• "Hallucinations." Hallucinations? Yes, the FDA has approved this medication. Can you imagine the patients that participated in the test studies? "Legs, what legs?". "I can fly!".

I returned to watching The Cho Show and empathized with Margaret during the episode about her writer's block; however, her attempt to relieve this type of block with a colonic is nothing I've ever considered when I've needed to get past my blocks. Anyway, my mind kept drifting back to that commercial and the side effects listed. Just what is in this medication and how does it relate to the treatment of RLS? Watching the TIVO-ed ad over and over wasn't answering my questions. It was time for me to conduct my own independent research.

RLS is a severe and often disabling neurological disorder which afflicts 10-15% of the general population due to dopaminergic abnormalities. The medications for treating RLS contain dopamine. Of course, it's dopaminergic drugs that bring on these unwelcomed (or welcomed) side effects according to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ.

So, as you're trying to sleep and your legs are performing a smashing rendition of Michael Flatley's River Dance, the medication could possibly trick your mind into believing that you are much better off falling asleep at the throttle when attempting to land your Buick at the casino for slots and sluts.

Wacky Wednesday! - Laugh It Up!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A gernade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

8. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

10. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

This guy has one infectious laugh.....laugh it up!

Humor Bloggers: The Continuing Story

Some of the best minds of Humor Bloggers have gotten together to write a continuing story. Each one of us picks up where the last writer left off. 

If you haven't been following...here's the story so far:

(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.

(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldehyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.

"It's smaller than I thought it would be."

(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.

Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message

'? from Your Secret Admirer ?'

written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.

(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.

She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.

Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.

Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....

(AmyOops) But on her journey back, she learned in Belguim they don't use deutschmarks to open the toliets. So here she was stranded in a strange country and had to use the bathroom.

Oh whats a girl to do....

( Ettarose) She did the only thing she could think to do. She hiked her skirt up and grabbing her naughty parts, let loose with a long perfectly aimed stream of pee that went up over the cracked wooden stall door and gave a satisfying groan as she heard it hit her mark. “Hey!” someone yelled from the other side of the locked door. “Watch who the hell you are pissing on you skank!” Wanda was so startled she lost her concentration and as her pee dribbled down her legs and soaked her bobby socks. The door slammed open and there stood the biggest, hairiest lesbian Wanda had ever seen. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked in awe as Wanda’s piss dripped off her nose. Oh great Wanda thought, now what?

(Lady Sarcasm) Wanda thought that it she played up on the woman's (?) awe, that she could charm her way right out of this hot mess. "I was a model for the P-mate, and eventually I showed them I could do it without a P-mate, so I was fired." Wanda explained. "Why I'll be!" said the burly lesbian known as Jackee. Jackee's awe was short lived Wanda noticed. Jackee was stepping forward. "That model thing was kind of cute, but what are you going to do about the fact that you just pissed all over me huh?" asked Jackee. Wanda immediately thought of that formaldahyde and tree sap smelling Triceratops penis...

“Do you wanna?” asked Wanda. “Do I wanna what?” countered Jackee. “Do you wanna foot long?” clarified Wanda. “No honey, I don’t go that way” exclaimed Jackee. “No, no” said a weary Wanda, “Do you wanna foot long for five bucks?” “Hey! shouted Jackee, “I won’t go there at any price!” Disappointed, Wanda quelled the rumblings in her tummy. She’d had her heart set on that steak and mushroom foot-long submarine sandwhich at Subway.

To subtly shift the subject of speech Wanda whispered “I absolutely adore alliteration”. “Some would say so” joked Jackee. “Oh, did I say that outloud” wondered Wanda, “Sorry”.

“I have a penis” proclaimed Wanda. “And I thought I was hiding something” retorted Jackee. “No, no” said Wanda, “It’s not mine – it belonged to a Triceratops. Here, look.”

“Oh my it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before” sighed Jackie. “Yeah, I can’t imagine you’ve seen many penises, eh?” queried (no pun intended – queer-eed) Wanda.

But that’s where Wanda was wrong (no alliteration intended). It turned out Jackee was not only of the poetess Sappho persuasion, she was also... (rimshit followed by cymbals)(hey, this is a cheap meme, not a big budget hollywood suspense thriller) ...a palaeontologist!!!

“Au contraire” parlayed Jackie – because not only was she a gay palaeontologist, but she came from gay Pa-ree!!! “I have seen many pre-historic penises, just never one this small or one this bleu, sacre!”

“Hmmm,” Wanda thought, “That’s the first time I’ve heard a big dyke complain about a small dick!”

Wanda's attention was drawn to a drop of her urine that was slowly rolling down the nose of her new lesbian friend. The droplet seemed to balance on the end of Jackee's nose and glisten in the sun. Her moment with the urine was shattered when Jackee blurted out - "So can I see it again?"

"See what? I thought you did not like dicks?" Wanda responded

"Not your dick silly, the dino dick. Back at my lab in gay paree - it's located in the homosexual section of the city, don't judge me the rent is cheap. Anyways in my lab we can conduct all sorts of tests on the dino dick and maybe learn something about its' former owner"

"Um I dunno, what can you learn from a dick?"

"Well if you listen to my girlfriend you can learn how to belch, scratch your ass and use power tools" Jackee laughed.

"Maybe you're right Jackee, testing the dino dick in the lab could get me closer to finding out who sent me the prehistoric penis. Where did they get it? and what message are they trying to send me?"

"So you and your dino dick will come to my lab in Paris for testing?

"Speaking for my dick I can say that we would be happy to join you at your lab"

"Excellent Excellent" Jackee exclaimed jumping up and down causing the remaining urine to fly off her in a fine mist. "You'll love Paris, and I can't wait for you to meet my girlfriend. She has her own vagina now. You honestly can't tell she used to be an accountant named Steve"

Wanda shuddered inside about the prospect of meeting a post operative "Steve", but she forced a smile and responded - "Great So when can we go?"

(dizzlnd) "We can go now! I already have a passport. I was going to see my favorite aunt who's last wish is to see me before she dies. The hospital in Charles de Gaulle called me just this morning and said she doesn't have long to live. But she would understand.

So the next day Wanda, Jackee and "Twinkie" were on a plane headed for Europe. They did have to get a special permit for Twinkie to fly though. It also had to be encased in special plexi-glass and have its own seat. Surprisingly, no one wanted to sit near them.

When they arrived it was 3AM local time. After they got off the plane, they headed for their rental car which was in the furthest lot possible. Carrying the plexi-glass case was awkward, but it was better than carrying Twinkie in a bag. Suddenly, they heard footsteps running behind them, by the time they turned around, it was too late. Wanda felt the effects of 10,000 volts of electricity rush through her as the unknown assailant tased her and another guy knocked Jackee out cold. They grabbed the case and ran. Little did they know, that burst of electricity was all Twinkie needed to reanimate...

(screamingme-me)…to its original erected state, the case could no longer contain the enlarged penis. As the plexi-glass broke away, Twinkie took on a life of its own.

Wanda and Jackee were both aroused by the prehistorical screams. They returned to their feet and were astounded by the sight of an 8-foot penis running along the tarmac. As Twinkie approached them, it gave them a one-eyed wink as if it was thanking them and then continued on its, seemingly, frantic search.

“What is Twinkie looking for?”, asked Wanda.

Wanda squinted and began scanning the horizon. She was speechless as her eyes focused on a rather larger figure. Wanda reached for Jackee’s hand to point her attention to the creature. But, before a word was spoken, the enormous creature began bellowing. And, much to their surprise, Twinkie answered with another ear-piercing scream.

Jackee motioned to Wanda that they should take cover…

Hawaiian Pun, it's time to wrap it up!

Ode To Mom, The Video

Happy Mother's Day 2009

This video is a Mother's Day tribute dedicated to those special mother-daughter relationships. It's not what you'd exactly call traditional.....at least, not in my mother's household, but what did you expect from me today.....hearts and flowers? 

Cool, Calm and Collected

Recently, someone asked me how I managed to stay so cool, calm and collected even under the most stressful situations. Well, it's really simple. And, I'm more than happy to pass my secret on to all of you. 

Just practice the exercise below to achieve a stress-free lifestyle. Trust me, it absolutely works!

Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp mountain air.

No one knows of your secret place.

You are in total seclusion.

The soothing sound of a waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is crystal clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

Voila! Now, you should be able to face the most stressful situations you encounter with a smile.  

Repeat throughout the day, if necessary.

WANTED: Husband

After so many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's, it has become apparent that I am in need of a husband. And, I've decided, to begin accepting applications. After reviewing the qualifications below and you feel you have the "right stuff", please apply immediately.

Suitable candidates should demonstrate proof of the following:
1. ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
2. can lift heavy objects without complaining
3. can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
4. ability to get lid off tough jars, cans of paint and other packaging
5. ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
6. high boredom threshold re: multiple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's
7. high performing "man parts"

In addition, ability to perform plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills beyond Neanderthal man, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture, politics and financial solvency are a plus, but not essential. Well, on that last point...I do want a breast lift and can't really afford one.

Finally, bonus points for ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) plus suitable transportation for toting purchases.

What you get is a wife that fits the following description:
1. blond hair, blue eyes, tall, curvy figure
2. intelligent, interesting, attractive
3. no kids, no drama
4. considered to have a great sense of humor
5. raised in the south and has good southern manners
6. can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
7. loves sex and will put you to the test

Please send applications including your experience in "fixing stuff", income details, your mother's maiden name, social security number, full medical history and five references. Preliminary interviews will begin next week and may include practical exercises.

Thanking you in advance for your interest.

Wacky Wednesday! Buy It On eBay

At one time or another, most people have bought from eBay. Last evening, I was curious to see what eBay had listed in their "Everything Else" category, so I took a spin and here are a few of the unusual items I found. Yes, these are actual items and the bidding ends soon. Hurry, if you are interested!

Truly Amazing Heart Shaped Potato! Highly Unusual! Amazing heart shaped potato! Show someone how much you love them with this one of a kind anomaly. I will vacuum pack it for lasting life.
Starting bid: $9.99


Remote Control Fart Machine 2 Makes 15 Farting Sounds

You are bidding on a new Remote Control Fart Machine #2. Makes 15 farting sounds and works up to 100 feet away and works through walls! Thanks for looking.

Buy It Now price: $8.99

Silver Cremation Urn & Vial With Cross Charm Sturdy, discrete and secure, this urn is 1 3/4" tall and has a small clear vial inside to hold a small amount of your loved ones ashes. Keep them close to you always. These urns are strong and lightweight enough to carry every day and fits nicely on a key chain or necklace.
Starting bid: $7.89

Cinco de Mayo, Aye-Aye-Aye

From the land that has brought us narco-drug wars, the whatever-you-want-to-call-it flu and maracas, today is a Mexican national holiday that is also celebrated with great enthusiasm in the U.S. - Cinco de Mayo.  

Here in the good 'ol U.S.A., today is all about the red, white and green. Every restaurant, bar, and retail store is decorated with little Mexican flags, each offering some kind of Mexican special plus the employees will wear traditional Mexican costumes to commemorate the occasion.

Why? Because the Mexican army kicked the shit out of the French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Not that this day has anything to do with heritage and pride, it's how much salsa and chips can you wash down with how many margaritas, aye-aye-aye. 

Being in Arizona, living so close to the Mexican border, gives me a different perspective, I guess. We all speak Spanglish, we'd rather have tortillas over bread and we just love a Mariachi band, especially after the 4th shot of tequila. In short, everyday is Cinco de Mayo! 

 

"Caption This" No. 2: The Winner Is.....

Wow, what a overwhelming response to this installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This" No. 2, you really out did yourselves. Thank you for participating! I do hope you will all return for the next installments.  

The Impartial Panel of Three really had a time with all of your submissions and almost came to blows over deciding the winning caption. However, after much deliberation, the panel delivered the following as most honorable mentions: moooooog35, My Daily List, Quirkyloon, Da Old Man, Don and freetheunicorns.

May I have the envelope please?

The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits go to.....Douglas Dyer of the infamous duo, The Dyer Boys.

Congratulations!

   

"Once the residuals stopped coming in, Linda Carter really let herself go."

Fritz, One Cool Cat

Some of you may remember the comix movement associated with the underground press and hippie counterculture of the 60's and 70's. I, for one, had the privilege of experiencing this phenomenon as it made its way into the head shops across America first hand. Now, those were the days.   

One of the most prominent artist of this movement was founder Robert Crumb. Known for his distinctive style, R. Crumb was recognized for his critical, satirical and subversive view of American mainstream. He has said that his extensive use of LSD led to the development of his characters and their adventures which included Devil Girl, Mr. Natural and Fritz the Cat.

I was an enthusiastic fan of all these revolutionaries and their comx of this era; however, my favorite was the glib, smooth and self-assured Fritz the Cat. Man, I coveted each any every comix and freaked out when Fritz jumped off the pages and onto the screen in 1972. Rated X, my underaged  friends and I had to sneak into the local drive-in theater to watch our comix book hero who had become animated.

Two films were produced before R. Crumb finally put Fritz to rest, Fritz the Cat and The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, which the later can be found in its entirety on YouTube.  Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip with me.  

X-Men And Lady Whup-Ass

The new movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, opened yesterday on the golden screens across America. From what I've seen of the trailers, it looks like a really good action-packed film. However, I'll have to wait for the DVD release because I'm just not one that goes to the theater.

There is something about me and theaters, in recent years, that doesn't mesh. For the life of me, I can not stay awake no matter how exciting the movie's characters are or how exciting the plot happens to be or how loud the soundtrack is. Well c'mon, you are seated in a dark room in a big comfy seat and, after filling up on popcorn, hot dogs and Good 'n Plenty, I'm out like a light. 

So, I decided to create my own fantasy character, Lady Whup-Ass, in honor of the release of another in a series of X-men movies - bring it on Hugh Jackman! You, too, can create your own character over at HeroMachine. This generator has thousands of options - so, have fun with it!  

Lady Whup-Ass

And, don't forget to add your caption to the photo over at Me-Me's Playhouse.  You're vying for The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits.  Hurry along now, contest ends Sunday at mid-night. 

Me-Me's Playhouse - Caption This! No. 2

Well, boys and girls, it's time for another installment of "Caption This!" While selecting the photo today for Me-Me's Playhouse, I have to wonder, has this particular photo ever been featured before? 

You see, over at Humor Bloggers, Da Old Man, Lady Sarcasm and The Soccer Mom also offer you a chance to get your creative juices flowing every Wednesday - be sure to check 'em out!

The rules are quite simple:

1. View the photo below.

2. Insert creative caption.

See how easy this is?  

Now, what do we have for the winner?

1. The Golden Phallus

2. 500 EntreCard Credits

The Fine Print: 

Enter often.

Contest closes at midnight Sunday.  

Decision of  the "Impartial Panel of Three" is final.

click photo for larger view.....if you dare!