Ode To Vince, The Poem

Today is a very special day. It is the birthday of Offer "Vince" Shlomi, Mr. ShamWow. In honor of his birthday, I am participating in the Humor Bloggers' ShamWow Carnival and have written a poem to commemorate this momentous occasion.  Happy birthday to Vince, happy birthday to Vince......

Ode To Vince, The Poem

by The Screaming Me-Me!!!

Everyone everywhere knows of Vince
He’s the one that tries to convince
Each and every household with TVs
That we really must have one of these!

It’s not a towel or a rag you see
It’s a magical cloth from Germany
Soaking up its weight in cola and wine
Look how that counter top begins to shine!

Now, Vince isn’t really much of a looker
He wanted a woman, so he bought a hooker
She bit his tongue, oh what a bloody mess
There was blood, even on the hooker’s dress!

Now Vince sits, I hear he’s doing time
His once golden voice isn’t worth a dime
Don’t dare ask me where, when or how
Who will now sell the magical ShamWow?

Copyright 2009

Click here for more from the HumorBloggers ShamWow Carnival

Laughter For Dummies

Da Old Man and his staff selected me as this week's winner of "Caption This". If you scroll down the right sidebar, you'll notice the glorious trophy, known as the Zucchini Award, I was presented. Please click over to Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars and take a look at the winning caption. While you are there, I'm sure you'll find a dose or two of side-splitting hilarity - you'll be glad you did!

Oh me, oh my.  Lookie what I've found.  A "Book For Dummies" cover generator for you to add to your blog or prank your friends and family.  You, too, can author your own edition by clicking the link below.  Have fun!

Book Cover Generator

Polterbytes, Kids, Love & Marriage

I've really had a time of it this morning with my computer. Seems that I had been attacked by "Polterbytes". Polterbytes is a word coined by my good friend, Bob Gately. You can find the definition listed here in the Urban Dictionary. Anyway, all appears to be back to normal after running three different programs that failed to detect any problems. *shrugs*

So, on with the post. Art Linkletter said it best, "Kids say the darnedest things". The perceptions kids have about love and marriage are funny, but they are really not too far off the mark. 

What do most people do on a date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do". Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

How do you decide who to marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

How would you make a marriage work?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Wacky Wednesday! - Earth Day

Happy Earth Day! 

Okay...whatever, I'm just here doing my part for Mother Earth.  

So, in recognition of Earth Day, these wacky Eco-Bunnies have been called upon to save the Earth Day festivities. 

12 Rules Of Life

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are: 

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right." 

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them. 

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" 

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; It's on loan to us while we're here ...even our kids. 

12. And finally...Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Do you have a "rule of life" you'd like to add to the list?  Please, share.

Takin' Care of Business

Man, was I ever surprised when I opened up the paper yesterday and found that Don over at Beyond Left Field had featured The Screaming Me-Me!!! in The Sunday Suck-Up Times. Wow, what an honor!

Thank you, Don, for your kind review and sharing my little 'ol blog with your readers. I am thrilled!

Well, I must say, there were many interesting submissions for this first edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!. I know the judges really had a tough time deciding. I want to extend my thanks to all of you that participated, I really appreciate the turnout.

According to the Impartial Panel of Three, the winning caption has been selected. May I have the envelope please?

The winner of 500 EC credits and this lovely trophy is............... My Daily List!!! Congratulations!

"It took hours of straining but Zeke finally passed his man-sized turd."

Amazing... Stop... Motion... Animation...

I am always amazed by the level of talent and patience it takes to produce short films such as this one, A Wolf Loves Pork. I first saw this video over at Steven Video and was blown away. Shot using 1,300 photographs, this stop motion animated feature is definitely worth hanging around for. Enjoy!

Don't forget.....you have until midnight to add your caption. Win this lovely trophy and 500 EC credits!