Quotable: Soupy Sales

1. I took my wife to a baseball game - I kissed her on the strikes and she kissed me on the balls.

2. What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? A fire truck!

3. Be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.

4. I climbed a tree and kissed my girl between the limbs.

5. Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.

6. My wife is a great cook - she makes great pies. I eat her cherry and she eats my banana.

7. If I see 'F' you see 'K'.

Quotable: Dave Barry

1. Bill Gates is a very rich man today.....and do you want to know why?  This answer is one word: versions.

2. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only way less filling.

3. I want a pit crew.....I hate the procedure I currently go through when I have car problems.

4. The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

5. Never lick a steak knife.

6. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

7. What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four to seven beers.

8. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer operation that never pays a nickel in taxes.

9. Escargot is French for fat crawling bag of phlegm.

10. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

Quotable: Jack Handey

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

 

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

3. One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

 

4. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

5. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

6. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

7. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

9. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

10. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

11. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

12. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

13. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

14. Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?

15. Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Quotable: Steven Wright

1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

2. What's another word for Thesaurus?

3. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

4. Cross country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.

5. Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

6. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

7. All those that believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

8. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

9. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

10. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

11. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

15. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Quotable: St. Patrick's Day

Click on the poster for a closer look

1. May the Good Lord take a liking to you... but not too soon!

2. Saint Patrick was a gentleman
   Who through strategy and stealth
   Drove all the snakes from Ireland
   Here's a drinkee to his health!
   But not too many drinkees
   Lest we lose ourselves and then...
   Forget the good Saint Patrick
   And see them snakes again!

3. Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.

4. There are many good reasons for drinking,
   One has just entered my head.
   If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
   How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

5. An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

6. Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
   A quick death and an easy one
   A pretty girl and an honest one
   A cold beer – and another one!

7. There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.

Find more St. Patrick’s Day fun at HumorBloggers.com

 

Quotable: Timothy Leary

1. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

2. I've left specific instructions that I do not want to be brought back during a Republican administration. 

3. If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 

4. There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third.

5. Think for yourself and question authority. 

6. My advice to people today is as follows: if you take the game of life seriously, if you take your nervous system seriously, if you take your sense organs seriously, if you take the energy process seriously, you must turn on, tune in, and drop out. 

7. Civilization is unbearable, but it is less unbearable at the top. 

8. The universe is an intelligence test. 

9. You're only as young as the last time you changed your mind.

10. Science is all metaphor. 

11. People use the word "natural" ... What is natural to me is these botanical   species which interact directly with the nervous system. What I consider artificial is 4 years at Harvard, and the Bible, and Saint Patrick's cathedral, and the sunday school teachings.

12. If you want to change the way people respond to you, change the way you respond to people.

13. "Drop Out" meant self-reliance, a discovery of one's singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change. Unhappily my explanations of this sequence of personal development were often misinterpreted to mean "Get stoned and abandon all constructive activity."

14. We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history.  They've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.

15. The mark of a basic shit is that he can’t mind his own business.

Quotable: George Carlin

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
2. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
3. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . .what happens to the other penny?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
10. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
11. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
14. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
15. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Quotable: Hunter S. Thompson

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

The person who doesn't scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

Politics is the art of controlling your environment.

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.

Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a “Crime in Progress” is not a happy prospect.

For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.

America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

Some may never live, but the crazy never die.

Quotable: Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I sent a wire, resigning from my club - I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

“Whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?
“All of us? But that’s bigamy!”
“Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”

A woman is an occasional pleasure, a cigar is always a smoke.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be gald to make an exception.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.