After so many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's, it has become apparent that I am in need of a husband. And, I've decided, to begin accepting applications. After reviewing the qualifications below and you feel you have the "right stuff", please apply immediately.
Suitable candidates should demonstrate proof of the following:
1. ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
2. can lift heavy objects without complaining
3. can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
4. ability to get lid off tough jars, cans of paint and other packaging
5. ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
6. high boredom threshold re: multiple trips to Home Depot and Lowe's
7. high performing "man parts"
In addition, ability to perform plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills beyond Neanderthal man, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture, politics and financial solvency are a plus, but not essential. Well, on that last point...I do want a breast lift and can't really afford one.
Finally, bonus points for ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) plus suitable transportation for toting purchases.
What you get is a wife that fits the following description:
1. blond hair, blue eyes, tall, curvy figure
2. intelligent, interesting, attractive
3. no kids, no drama
4. considered to have a great sense of humor
5. raised in the south and has good southern manners
6. can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
7. loves sex and will put you to the test
Please send applications including your experience in "fixing stuff", income details, your mother's maiden name, social security number, full medical history and five references. Preliminary interviews will begin next week and may include practical exercises.
Thanking you in advance for your interest.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
At one time or another, most people have bought from eBay. Last evening, I was curious to see what eBay had listed in their "Everything Else" category, so I took a spin and here are a few of the unusual items I found. Yes, these are actual items and the bidding ends soon. Hurry, if you are interested!
Truly Amazing Heart Shaped Potato! Highly Unusual! Amazing heart shaped potato! Show someone how much you love them with this one of a kind anomaly. I will vacuum pack it for lasting life.
Starting bid: $9.99
Remote Control Fart Machine 2 Makes 15 Farting Sounds
You are bidding on a new Remote Control Fart Machine #2. Makes 15 farting sounds and works up to 100 feet away and works through walls! Thanks for looking.
Buy It Now price: $8.99
Buy It Now price: $8.99
Silver Cremation Urn & Vial With Cross Charm Sturdy, discrete and secure, this urn is 1 3/4" tall and has a small clear vial inside to hold a small amount of your loved ones ashes. Keep them close to you always. These urns are strong and lightweight enough to carry every day and fits nicely on a key chain or necklace.
Starting bid: $7.89
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
From the land that has brought us narco-drug wars, the whatever-you-want-to-call-it flu and maracas, today is a Mexican national holiday that is also celebrated with great enthusiasm in the U.S. - Cinco de Mayo.
Here in the good 'ol U.S.A., today is all about the red, white and green. Every restaurant, bar, and retail store is decorated with little Mexican flags, each offering some kind of Mexican special plus the employees will wear traditional Mexican costumes to commemorate the occasion.
Why? Because the Mexican army kicked the shit out of the French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Not that this day has anything to do with heritage and pride, it's how much salsa and chips can you wash down with how many margaritas, aye-aye-aye.
Being in Arizona, living so close to the Mexican border, gives me a different perspective, I guess. We all speak Spanglish, we'd rather have tortillas over bread and we just love a Mariachi band, especially after the 4th shot of tequila. In short, everyday is Cinco de Mayo!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wow, what a overwhelming response to this installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This" No. 2, you really out did yourselves. Thank you for participating! I do hope you will all return for the next installments.
The Impartial Panel of Three really had a time with all of your submissions and almost came to blows over deciding the winning caption. However, after much deliberation, the panel delivered the following as most honorable mentions: moooooog35, My Daily List, Quirkyloon, Da Old Man, Don and freetheunicorns.
May I have the envelope please?
The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits go to.....Douglas Dyer of the infamous duo, The Dyer Boys.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Some of you may remember the comix movement associated with the underground press and hippie counterculture of the 60's and 70's. I, for one, had the privilege of experiencing this phenomenon as it made its way into the head shops across America first hand. Now, those were the days.
One of the most prominent artist of this movement was founder Robert Crumb. Known for his distinctive style, R. Crumb was recognized for his critical, satirical and subversive view of American mainstream. He has said that his extensive use of LSD led to the development of his characters and their adventures which included Devil Girl, Mr. Natural and Fritz the Cat.
I was an enthusiastic fan of all these revolutionaries and their comx of this era; however, my favorite was the glib, smooth and self-assured Fritz the Cat. Man, I coveted each any every comix and freaked out when Fritz jumped off the pages and onto the screen in 1972. Rated X, my underaged friends and I had to sneak into the local drive-in theater to watch our comix book hero who had become animated.
Two films were produced before R. Crumb finally put Fritz to rest, Fritz the Cat and The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, which the later can be found in its entirety on YouTube. Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip with me.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The new movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, opened yesterday on the golden screens across America. From what I've seen of the trailers, it looks like a really good action-packed film. However, I'll have to wait for the DVD release because I'm just not one that goes to the theater.
There is something about me and theaters, in recent years, that doesn't mesh. For the life of me, I can not stay awake no matter how exciting the movie's characters are or how exciting the plot happens to be or how loud the soundtrack is. Well c'mon, you are seated in a dark room in a big comfy seat and, after filling up on popcorn, hot dogs and Good 'n Plenty, I'm out like a light.
So, I decided to create my own fantasy character, Lady Whup-Ass, in honor of the release of another in a series of X-men movies - bring it on Hugh Jackman! You, too, can create your own character over at HeroMachine. This generator has thousands of options - so, have fun with it!
And, don't forget to add your caption to the photo over at Me-Me's Playhouse. You're vying for The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits. Hurry along now, contest ends Sunday at mid-night.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Well, boys and girls, it's time for another installment of "Caption This!" While selecting the photo today for Me-Me's Playhouse, I have to wonder, has this particular photo ever been featured before?
You see, over at Humor Bloggers, Da Old Man, Lady Sarcasm and The Soccer Mom also offer you a chance to get your creative juices flowing every Wednesday - be sure to check 'em out!
The rules are quite simple:
1. View the photo below.
2. Insert creative caption.
See how easy this is?
Now, what do we have for the winner?
1. The Golden Phallus
2. 500 EntreCard Credits
The Fine Print:
Contest closes at midnight Sunday.
Decision of the "Impartial Panel of Three" is final.
click photo for larger view.....if you dare!