From Zero To 200 In Six Seconds

From Zero To 200 In Six Seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.

She quickly opened it and, much to her surprise, she found a new bathroom scale.

Needless to say, Bob has been missing since Friday.

Remember.....you have until midnight Sunday to enter your captions over at Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!" No. 5. You are vying for the coveted Golden Phallus plus 500 EC credits. 

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 5

First, I'd like to recognize the following Top 10 EntreCard droppers for dropping by during the month of May. Thank you !

1. Hello Kitty Gifts

2. Computer Aid

3. The Way I See It

4. First Time

5. The Exaggerator

6. comatised 

7. Beyond Feron

8. Blogger Rise

9. Kitchen Retro

10. Rocket Scientist

Now, it's time for another installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!". The rules are simple and the prize is mighty.  

View the photo below.  Enter as may captions as you like by mid-night Sunday. The Impartial Panel of Three will render their decision and the announcement of the winning caption will be made here on Monday.  

The winning author will take home the Golden Phallus and 500 EntreCard credits. Good luck!

Click the photo for a closer look...or not!

Crazy Women Drivers!

As women, we sure take a lot of guff for our lack of driving skills. Well, in the 38 years I've been a licensed driver, I've never received a ticket. I happen to take great pride in my ability to hold a vehicle on the road. I swear, you'll never find me yakking it up on my cell phone and applying mascara while driving, I'm much too busy paying attention and driving defensively. So, I feel that these claims about women drivers are totally unwarranted.

Then I ran across this YouTube video that shows two women fighting over a parking spot. Crazy women drivers!

Wacky Wednesday! - Ideas & Inventions

While watching television yesterday, I noticed a number of we-want your-inventions commercials. They promised to patent, design, develop and market your invention or ideas - send for your free inventor's kit today! Then I remembered watching Billy Mays' show, Pitchmen, where he is doing basically doing the same thing.  The one and only time I ever watched his program, he wrote a check to a guy for $150,000 that had invented the something-or-other. 

Could it be that these tenuous economic times are bringing the inventors out of the woodwork?During the Great Depression there were a number of inventions introduced, for example: the car radio, runway lighting, the chocolate chip cookie, the staple remover, the tape dispenser, nylon, teflon and polarized sunglasses.  Take a look at the video below and you'll view a number of ideas and inventions that didn't quite make it. Some are really hilarious.

Have you ever pursued having one of your ideas marketed? I have a few ideas up my sleeve and, man, could I ever use a $150,000! Now, where did I put that 1-800 number?

Women 101

Guys are you having a hard time trying to figure out your woman, a woman or any woman at all? I've put together a small list of tips that might help you to better understand the woman in your life or the woman you want in your life. Please study these tips carefully then, as usual, approach with caution.

1. Any good woman will tell you, honesty is not always the best policy. Example: Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

2. Every woman is self-conscience about her ass.  Tell her you love her ass and you'll see it more often.

3. Do away with the Old Spice and pick up a box of Good & Plenty, women are turned on by the scent of black licorice. 

4. Gain her trust when you're out by calling her at 10 pm. She'll go to bed content because you are thinking of her even if you are slurping Jell-O shots from a stripper's cleavage.

5. At one point or another, your love interest will go through your things looking for evidence from past relationships. I'm talking photos, letters, mementos, address books, journals. Get rid of this stuff before you let her into your home; if you have something to hide, she'll find it. 

6. It never hurts to say you are sorry, even if you don't mean it.

7. Foghat's Slow Ride is not about a trip in a car. Get the hint?

8. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

9. Women can not live without tension. Every once in a while she is going to pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

10. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every 1 she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid - you're 1 of the 10.

11. Women who are obsessed with their dogs will also keep you on a short leash.

12. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turn-off in the world.

13. Jewelry is always the perfect last minute gift.

14. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem. All women just love a make-over project.

15. Women want to talk dirty, but they're afraid you won't respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed does not make her less classy and she'll probably go wild. Gin or Vodka helps.

This concludes today's lesson. Any tips you'd like to share?  

 

"Caption This" No. 4: The Winner Is.....

Before we get to the winning caption of this installment of Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!", I want to share a few On This Day in History events with you. Salute!

1. 1926 - Actress Marilyn Monroe was born.

2. 1947 - Rocker Ron Wood was born.

3. 1967 - The album, St. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was released.

4. 1980 - CNN made its debut.

5. 2009 - Conan O'Brien takes the reigns as host of The Tonight Show

Now, on with the show.....

You all did a fantastic job with submitting captions this time around, thank you so much for your participation. 39 Screaming Fans have spoken and The Impartial Panel of Three has given thumbs-up to moooooog35, nonamedufus, Ungirdled Passion, Stephanie M and P.L. Frederick - all have received a most-honorable mention.

The envelope please.....

The winning author of this installment of "Caption This" that will take home the much sought after Golden Phallus plus 500 EC credits is Tiggy over at Tiggy Blog. Be sure to pop over to her blog for a visit - her observations are hilarious! Congratulations!

 "And, if you think this is weird, 

you should see my testicles."

Up Against The Wall, Spread 'Em!

No, I'm not an attorney; however, the person that wrote the following article is. Not only may you (or someone you know) benefit from this excellent advice, you may also find this "Best of Craig's List" submission rather amusing.

Some Advice From Your Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed. 

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you. 

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up. 

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z. 

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them. 

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less. 

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet. 

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself. 

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. 

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry. 

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail. 

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security. 

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison. 

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense. 

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense 

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense. 

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense. 

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends. 

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die. 

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase. 

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.  

Don't forget.....you have until midnight to submit your caption over at Me-Me's Playhouse - it's worth The Golden Phallus and 500 EC credits to you!