Humor Bloggers Dot Com: Halloween Spooktacular

You Are Invited! 

HumorBloggersDotCom

Spooktacular Blog Party

Oct. 21st - Nov. 1st

Be there, if you dare!

Bwahahahaha

Save Money. Live And Die Better.

How timely, it's Halloween week and WalMart has announced they are now selling caskets and urns. Their online store offers a variety of coffins and vessels to meet your or your loved one's needs. (Not available in stores, you won't be able to try it before you buy it.) With the exception of the one pictured here, they sell 14 coffins priced under $2,000. What savings!

WalMart has a casket style for everyone - the Lady de Guadalupe model, Mom Remembered, Dad Remembered and the Executive Privilege model just to name a few.

As I searched their website, I noticed there is a "Q&A" section. Here's an sample of actual questions asked by their shoppers.

Q: Does this casket or others come in a larger size, i.e. length, width to accommodate a person?

A: All our caskets are standard size and accommodate most people. However, if you mean a 'larger' person we have three (3) casket models that are built extra wide with four (4) extra inches of interior width. Please look at our Royal Star (2 versions) or the Regal Extra Wide.

Great! This will save the embarrassment of having to be squeezed into a coffin due to the middle-age spread.

Q: I received a casket today and it does not seal. Is the casket supposed to seal?

A: The casket you ordered is gasketed and has a rubber seal. The gasket seals the casket where the lid comes down and closes. However, no casket, including the one you ordered, is air tight or completely sealed.

Well, now this explains how the un-dead are able to escape.

I guess my only question would be, "Is this product offered on the lay-a-way plan?"

I also noticed there is a "Rate and Review" section. I suppose there is a questionnaire included with the purchase and it's eventually received by WalMart from the world beyond. I imagine a completed survey may look something like this.

1. Is this your first purchase of one of our caskets?
Yes, and my last.

2. How would you rate the casket's overall performance?
Well, I am concerned about the air leaks; it's drafty, even at 6 feet under.

3. Are you satisfied with your casket?
Sure, it's a comfortable fit and the lining is divine.

4. Would you recommend our caskets to a friend?
Absolutely, I'm sure my friends are dying to try one!

Thank you WalMart! It's good to know, even in the afterlife, we are still saving!


Now, pop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com for more of the Halloween Humor Carnival.

Photo Phantasms

In case you've been living under a rock, this is a very special week over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com. It's The 2nd Annual Halloween Humor Carnival where those mysterious and kooky humor bloggers are getting their spooky on. Join us.....if you dare!

No doubt, some of you people belong in a straight jacket. I could not believe all of your awesome submissions to Friday's Caption This! You really made it tough for The Impartial Panel of Three with almost 50 hilarious captions. Thank you all for playing!

The Panel has handed down their decisions with the following receiving most-honorable mentions.

Buggys said...

The day the rabbit had to die!

Joker_SATX said...

Finally, A Pic worthy of upload to Adult Friend Finder!

CatLadyLarew said...

Just shoot me now!

nonamedufus said...

Alas, Barry drew the short straw and it would be his buddy George who'd get to go to the costume party as Elmer Fudd.

There can only be one winner...The Golden Phallus goes to...MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings. Stand up and take a bow Mike! Mike's tag line is "some things are funnier than others" and that's why he is the recipient of The Golden Phallus. Be sure to add Too Many Mornings to your list of must reads.

Now, the winning caption.....

Bob found himself wondering what
traumatic event in his girlfriend's past
led her to this particular fantasy.

Okay,speaking of Humor Bloggers, I'm tired of being the odd-woman-out. Every Wednesday nonamedufus, EttaRose and the Soccer Mom all have their version of Caption This! No more Wacky Wednesday! for me - it's dead and buried.

I'll be joining the caption circuit each Wednesday with Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! So, mark your calendars for this week's special Halloween edition. See you then!

Wacky Wednesday! Zombie Fest

We all know that a zombie is a creature that appears in folklore and popular culture typically as a reanimated corpse or a mindless human being. A mindless human being? Uh, oh. Grab a box of popcorn because today we are going to take a look at a few zombie movie trailers from films that span three decades.

In 1959 writer/director Ed Wood released the movie Plan 9 From Outer Space. The plot involves extraterrestrial beings who are seeking to stop humans from creating a doomsday weapon that would destroy the universe. In the course of doing so, the aliens implement "Plan 9", a scheme to resurrect Earth's dead as zombies to get the planet's attention, causing chaos. This film was dubbed the worst movie ever made and Wood received the Golden Turkey Award as the worst director.



Another bad zombie movie was released in 1968, The Astro-Zombies, starring John Carradine as the mad scientist, Dr. DeMarco. The plot of this film centers around a crazy, disgruntled scientist who decides to create superhuman monsters from the body parts of innocent murder victims. The creatures eventually escape and go on a killing spree. This low budget movie eventually gained cult status and reportedly made a whopping three million dollars.



Finally, in 1978 the release of the award winning film Dawn of the Dead, written and directed by George Romero, hit the theaters. The plot - following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia SWAT team members, a traffic reporter, and his television-executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall. Dawn of the Dead has been heavily praised in film reviews since its release, currently holding a 95% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. The 25th anniversary issue of Fangoria named it the best horror film of 1979 and Entertainment Weekly ranked it #27 on a list of "The Top 50 Cult Films".



I hope you enjoyed today's look at zombies in film. Grab the kids and lock your doors! With Halloween fast approaching, no doubt, zombies may be coming to a neighborhood near you.

Give Your Trick A Treat

What will they come up with next? Just when I think I've seen it all....blam, I'm hit with a new trend that's sure to become the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or, at least, that's what the developers are hoping for.

After another long day of doing nothing, I decided to go over to eBay to take a look at some of the latest and greatest ideas. I entered "Halloween" and up popped the usual listings for costumes and decorations. Then I saw the photo for an ad that looked like jack-o-lantern suckers. I clicked and here's what I found.

Halloween Condom Novelty Funny Party Idea $16.95

This condom would make the perfect Halloween party gift for adults. It is playfully decorated to look like a jack-o-lantern. The condom is manufactured by Global Protection and can be used for safe sex just like any other condom. Makes a great holiday party favor!

Note: Pack size is number of condoms shipped. (i.e. 12 pack is 12 condoms). We have hundreds of thousands of condoms in stock so we can't guarantee the expiration received. We can say we order all items manufacturer direct and try our best to ensure items expire no sooner than 2 years from the date of purchase.

Well, at least they specified this was for adults. Can you imagine little Willy coming home with a bag full of condoms? "Look, Mommy, these suckers are really balloons!"

It's the perfect treat to accompany your favorite pick up line. "Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?" What an icebreaker! Once you hand over this treat, you're sure to be knocking the frost off the pumpkin.

Oh-Bone Festival

Have you ever wondered how other countries from around the world might celebrate Halloween? Well, hold on to your pumpkins because we are about to take a look at Halloween in Japan.

In Japan, Halloween is called "Matsuri" or "Urabon" (pronounced oh-bone) and, much like we celebrate the season, this Japanese custom is dedicated to the spirits of the dead. However, they celebrate during the month of July or August instead of October. Why? I dunno.

Then I was curious how Japanese trick-or-treaters would dress and was amused by the variety of costumes that were offered online. Take a look, but keep in mind, these are adult costumes.


You know, nothing says, "Happy Halloween" quite like a giant hissing cockroach. This year, I'm keeping a can of bug spray near the door...just in case a giant cockroach tries to get its creepy-crawly hands on my candy.


Or, how about a cute little giraffe? Everyone loves a giraffe. I thought this costume had an interesting design concept. Imagine, if you will, this costume in a public restroom. Weird.


This costume is perfectly suitable for Halloween everywhere. Any man wearing a banana suit is just plain spooky. Notice: This banana has a talking head! Anyone out there read Japanese?


And, what's Halloween without Monkey Man? Whether it be man or beast, if anything came to my door with balls this size...well, I'd be petrified! Oh-Bone!!!

I hope you have enjoyed taking a look at how another country celebrates Halloween. But before you go, I found a short video of an Oh-Bone Festival celebration.

Now, for your viewing pleasure.....

Monster Mash!

He did the mash. He did the monster mash! The Monster Mash!

What is Halloween without head bangin', guitar wailin' rock 'n roll music? Right? After last week's Sunday Shuffle, I decided to pull from my playlist this week those songs that are fitting for the season.

Okay, so all of these may not exactly be your cup of witches' brew, but surely there are a couple on the list you will recognize.

1. Bark at the Moon - Ozzy Osbourne
2. Dragula - Rob Zombie
3. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
4. Voodoo - Godsmack
5. Freak on a Leash - Nine Inch Nails
6. Space Lord - Monster Magnet
7. Them Bones - Alice in Chains
8. Iron Man - Black Sabbath
9. Hells Bells - AC/DC
10. Harvester of Sorrow - Metallica

What? You were really expecting The Monster Mash or maybe Witchy Woman? Nope, not here. I went with gut wrenchin' metal today.

For your convenience, I put them all on a playlist for you so you can continue your surfing in another window while listening. Clever, huh?

Now, for your Halloween Top Ten listening pleasure....oh, I suggest you pump up the volume.

Candy! Candy! Candy!

The Halloween tradition of going door-to-door begging for candy dates back to the middle ages. It resembles the medieval practice of "souling", where poor people would go door-to-door receiving food in return for their prayers for the dead on All Saints Day (November 1).

As a trick-or-treating kid, my bag was always full of delicious treats. In addition to the Tootsie Rolls, Milky Ways and candy corn, there were those moms in the neighborhood that would make marshmallow treats, popcorn balls and caramel apples and would place them neatly wrapped in my bag. I hurried from house-to-house in anticipation of returning home to sample all that was holy.....candy!

My parents were cautious, they would inspect my bag of goodies and take out those things that looked suspicious - like the Almond Joys and the Hershey bars. Come on, this was the 60's. This was a time when the practice of tainting candy really wasn't an issue. However, I continued this practice with my own children just to get my hands on the candy!

After the inspection of my bag, I would head to my room and start hiding my candy like a squirrel hides his nuts. I'd put a little here and put a little there hoping to make it last until Christmas. I had a stash that was never too far from my reach, even after the lights went out. Oh, how I love candy!

The day would finally come when my many stashes were depleted. I must have candy! I'd go to my sisters, who had also squirreled their candy away, seeking my sugar fix. Sadly, they had depleted their reserves as well. I'd even check with the other kids in the neighborhood. The dark circles under my eyes, the incoherent chatter and my stumbling swagger were clear signs that I was nothing more than a junkie out roaming the neighborhood looking to satisfy my jones for candy.

Yes, there have been those years when I've had to go back to the store the afternoon of Halloween to replace the candy I had bought a week or so in advance. By this time, I didn't care what I gave the trick-or-treaters. I would buy the gigantic variety bag of candy that wasn't quite as appealing as the Hershey Miniatures and the Milky Ways I had bought the week before. Oh boy, the looks these masked kids would give me as I dropped a few Dum-Dums or those black and orange taffy things in their bags were daunting. I felt the shame.

Halloween, to me, was and still is.....all about the candy. So, if you see an adult dressed like Thomas the Train at your door this year, think about me. Be sympathetic. There are many of us out their that relive this shame every year. Be generous. We may not soap your windows or TP your lawn, but your credit report could definitely be in jeopardy.

I've Been Punked!

Last evening the doorbell rang around 7 o'clock. Who could this be? I wasn't expecting anyone. Good thing I hadn't already changed into my evening lounge wear - the lovely Tinkerbell pajamas, sexy huh? Anyway, I went to the door and there stood a couple of friends with their 13 year old son. And, they had brought a pizza!

As we caught up on the recent happenings in our lives, I noticed Jeremy kept going into the bathroom. Okay...maybe it's just a result of all the soda he was drinking. His mother eventually commented and Jeremy assured her he was fine.

As they began to leave, Jeremy went to the bathroom one last time. Now I'm wondering, just what is so fascinating in there? There are no nudie magazines or video games, what is his deal? After my friends left I went into bathroom to check things out. Is he stealing toilet paper? No, everything appeared normal.

It wasn't until this morning that things became clear. As I stepped out of the shower, I noticed a huge message written across the fog covered mirror, "I am watching YOU!!!". I froze, my heart was pumping fast, I had visions of Anthony Perkins, in drag, entering the bathroom with a big knife. Seconds seemed like minutes.

That little psycho! Each time he had gone to the bathroom he had fogged a portion of the mirror with his own breath to continue his message. I wanted to call his parents, but now that I've cooled off, revenge is mine. Somehow, someday, when he least expects it, I'm going to..... (thinking, thinking)

Any ideas how to punk a 13 year old?

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 12

'Tis the season. No, not Christmas......Halloween! And, here at the Screaming Me-Me, we'll be celebrating the season for the next 30 days. I hope you will find lots of fun posts that will enhance your Halloween experience. We're kicking off this celebration with a special edition of Caption This!

You know the rules.....view the photo below, add your caption in the comments and enter often. You could be the winner of the coveted Golden Phallus, plus you'll receive 500 EntreCard credits to be awarded by The Impartial Panel of Three on Monday.

Good luck, now get crack-a-lackin'!

Click photo to biggify!