This Bud's For You!

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.

The passenger, Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers."

"Don't worry Bubba", Earl said. "We'll pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick them to our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin'", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reach the road block the sheriff said,

"You boys been drinkin?"

"No sir", said Earl, "we're on the patch!"


Hey, have you left your entry for this week's Caption This!? Pop on over for a chance to win!

Sunday Funny: The Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


Remember.......

You have until midnight to submit your captions for "Caption This!, Fourth of July Edition". The winner takes home The Golden Phallus plus 500 EntreCard credits. Hurry on over!

Flyin' High

I'm a winner! I won the caption contest over at The Soccer Mom Files and was presented the coveted "Mom Likes Me Best!" award. 

Thank you, Kirsten! 

And, if you like captioning as much as I do, be sure to pop over to Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!" and enter your best captions before mid-night Sunday. You are vying for The Golden Phallus plus 500 EC credits. 

Here's a Saturday chuckle for you.....

We're All Gonna Die

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

The First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

From Zero To 200 In Six Seconds

From Zero To 200 In Six Seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.

She quickly opened it and, much to her surprise, she found a new bathroom scale.

Needless to say, Bob has been missing since Friday.

Remember.....you have until midnight Sunday to enter your captions over at Me-Me's Playhouse: "Caption This!" No. 5. You are vying for the coveted Golden Phallus plus 500 EC credits. 

Fishing: On The Hook

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?  

The kid says "one".  

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  

The kid says "$101,237.65".  

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"  

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."  

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

Joke: Catholic School Daze

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. 

The teacher said, "Very good" and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said "very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep. 

The teacher asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "if you stick me with that damn thing one more time - I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted.

Joke: "What Is Politics?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. "We'll consider the nanny as the Working Class," he went on. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Christmas Past: A Turkey, A Goat, Plus Revenge

My dad has had the same best friend since high school. From the simple to the extreme, they have always played practical jokes on one another. As their children aged, we often were part of their mischievous endeavors.

One year, near Christmas, we received a rather large package delivered by a local courier. We assumed it was from one of our dad’s customers. This beautifully gift wrapped box was about the size of a large television. Although the tag said, “To the family of”, we waited for our dad to return home from his office. As soon as Daddy arrived, we gathered around. He took out his pocket knife and slowly opened the box. Just as he removed the last of the tape and the top from the box, out jumped a live turkey.

This was not a domesticated turkey – it was wild! The turkey began running around the house and entered the den with the vaulted ceiling. Daddy had gone into the garage and retrieved his bass fishing net. Chasing this wild bird became quite the ordeal. We had it cornered and just as Daddy was about to net this beast – it took flight.

The focal point in the den was an antique armoire that stood eight feet high. This beautiful piece of furniture had been in my mom’s family for generations and was shipped from Ireland along with other family heirlooms. The front of the armoire was burled maple – truly a magnificent piece of craftsmanship.

Wouldn't you know, the turkey clawed its way up the front of the armoire, finally resting on top. Needless to say, Mother was horrified. Not to cause any further damage, Daddy decided to let it roost there until it fell asleep – then he could capture it. The phone rang and we could hear him talking with “Uncle” Ed. There was laughter and a promise of a return surprise. My sisters and I knew it was game on.

The next morning at 4:00 am Daddy wakes me and tells me to get ready to go out to the farm. Our farm was 12 miles from town where we raised cattle, kept our horses and other assorted farm animals – including goats. As we made the drive, he told me of his plan. I thought he might be taking things a bit too far; but, he was my dad.

We pulled through the gate and took one of the goats and placed it securely in the back of his truck. Daddy went into the tack room and returned with a burlap bag. I didn’t ask what was in the bag; I knew better. On the drive back into town, he gave me my instructions – okay, now I’m an accomplice to his madness.

We arrived at Ed’s around 5:30 and Daddy took a spike and drove it into the center of Ed’s freshly planted winter lawn. We then took a dog collar and placed it around the goat’s neck. A 10 foot chain was attached to the spike and, at the other end, a snap hook was then attached to the goat’s collar. Daddy used Ed’s hose to fill a bucket of water for the goat. Then we hopped back into to the truck and sped off. He was like some maniac laughing all the way back to the house.

We waited for the phone call from Ed to come and get the goat; but, a couple of hours had passed and Daddy could not leave well enough alone. He talked me into to driving by Ed’s in my car. I agreed and waited in the car. After a few minutes, here comes Daddy wearing Mother’s blonde wig and a large pair of sunglasses. I looked at him as if he had lost his damn mind; but, I couldn’t help but laugh.

We drove by Ed’s and the goat had eaten a perfect circle on the lawn. I guess this might could have been one of the first crop circles had we removed the goat. Daddy was laughing and feeling pretty proud of his self. As we walked into the house, Daddy was still wearing his disguise, Mother threw up her hands, “I don’t want to know!” I figured plausible deniability. About a half hour later the expected phone call came, there was laughter and a gotcha.

Later in the week when both families gathered for some peaceful Christmas cheer, Daddy greeted them at the door wearing none other than his prank’s disguise. Several rounds of laughter went up as the two men recanted the tale of their latest escapade and stories of other pranks. Mother served dinner - smoked ham, Daddy whipped up several batches of egg nog plus we exchanged gifts - real gifts. The warmth of the season embraced us; truly, a memorable Christmas was had by all. Happy Holidays!

Disclaimer: There were no animals hurt during this prank. My dad released the turkey back into the wild no worse for the wear and the goat was returned to the farm a little fatter than when it left.