Old Folks Boogie

What in the hell has happened to me? When did the simplest of tasks become so arduous? When did preparing for house guests become such a nightmare? I admit my age and have always felt that I was accomplishing more than my mother did at this age, but what the bloody hell? It's like I woke up this morning and I had aged at least 10 years over night. 

Now, who moved the bathroom? I counted my shuffles, that was at least 20 too many. The good news is, I made it! And, thank goodness, I have a high-boy toilet or I may have wished I had Life Alert. Which, in light of my onset of elders, might not be a bad idea.

I have three days to get it together so I can welcome my guests with a smile and give the appearance that my preparations were done effortlessly. This weekend I completed two extensive shopping trips and one trip to the laundromat with all the bedding and rugs. Discovering my strength isn't what it used to be, I have decided I need a wagon or a forklift for future loading and unloading. At the grocery store the checkout guy asked me if I needed help out. I asked him if it would be possible if that person could come home with me to unload. He gave me one of those are-you-serious looks and that's when I assured him I would bring them back to the store right away. Well, I tried. 

I am running out of time. I need a shot of something or helping hands, whichever is the most effective. Or maybe, just maybe, I will remind myself Rome wasn't built in a day and pry my tired old butt from this chair.

Music...that's what I need! Something fast paced, something that will put  a little pep in my step to help me dance through all of this. Yep, I will put aside the old folks boogie for now and I will definitely rock this joint!

Caption This No. 43 - And the Winner Is.....

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this important weather update...it's raining! Nearly three inches of rain will be possible in some Valley locations through the weekend. Since Thursday night, Phoenix has received just under two inches of rain and more is expected today and tomorrow. Experts are reporting this is the most rainfall the Valley has received at one time in 10 years. Get the boat!

Now, on with the show.....

Thank you all for playing Caption This! I would like to acknowledge a couple of most-honorable mentions for their most-excellent entries.....

Junknista got her motor runnin' with this caption - "Michael loved choppers so much he decided to pay homage to them by growing handlebars on his face."

Shawn had this to say - "At first Doug didn't like his mustache, but after awhile it kind of grew on him."

This week's winner is long-time blogger Angel from Ramblings of a Southern Angel. Congratulations, Angel, your entry has earned you The Golden Phallus!

"Baby since you like the gorilla bars on the bike so much 

I grew a set for you to hang onto...on the bike and you know 

any other time you feel like I need steering guidance."

Thanks again for playing and I hope to see you all again on Wednesday for another edition of Caption This! In the meantime, I'm rollin' up my pant legs and heading to the store for supplies. Ciao!

Throwback Thursday: Off The Top Of My Head

Originally posted 11/10/2009

It's happened to everyone of us, to men and women alike. An injustice we probably have experienced more than once in our lives. It's regrettable. It's embarrassing. It makes you want to hide, lie to your friends and even take a sick day.

What is this injustice?

The bad haircut!

We make the appointment or walk-in on a whim. We take a seat in a chair similar to the chair at the dentist's office. We are at the mercy of a man or woman with a pair of scissors. They spin you around to where you cannot see. Snip, snip here - snip, snip there. You watch what was to be "only a trim" fall onto the floor. You wait with nervous anticipation.

You are at the hands of someone that may be having a bad day. Or they could have some weird perception of what really looks good on top of your head. You cringe as they gasp under their breath. More hair seems to fall onto the floor than you had expressed in an attempt to cover up the mistake. You begin to rationalize.

They begin to style your new cut. Loads of different products are applied which smell great individually, but now your hair smells like a rotting fruit salad. They comb, blow-dry, brush, and curl. They get front and center, the last lock is in place. Finally, the finishing spray.

Just before they spin you around, you're aware of other stylists and patrons trying not to notice. Your heart starts to beat faster, your breath is short. It's like coming up on a car accident. You know you shouldn't look, but this time - it's you. Then you hear those words, "So how do you like it?"

Your eyes widen, you squirm in your seat. You even lean forward to take a closer look. You look at yourself at different angles. The mirror is held for you to take a look at the back of your head. As you try to compose yourself, you smile nervously, then you answer, "It's okay, it's fine". But, what you are really thinking is, "Shit!, I look like Kate Gosselin".

The plastic cape, that holds what used to be your hair, is removed. Your reach for your wallet remembering that their scissors are still within reach. Your hand over their fee plus you even give them a tip. You walk quickly to your car and stare at yourself in the rear view mirror. You sigh, choke back the tears and try to calm yourself by thinking, "It'll grow back, it's only hair."

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 44

Behold The Golden Phallus.....

This beauty can be yours if you can Caption This! with the most clever caption of all.  Don't be shy, enter as often as you'd like.

Please check back here on Saturday when the winner is announced.

1.....2.....3.....Go! 

Thanks for playing! Now click on over to Dufus' place for another chance to win!

Thanksgiving & All That Jazz

Thanksgiving is just 12 days away! I am really looking forward to my son and his family visiting me during that time. It's been a long time since I have hosted a holiday feast in my home and my emotions are running from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am extremely excited to have my family here one minute and the next minute I'm having anxiety over preparing the meal.

One thing is for sure.....music. I love to cook (and clean) to music. My foot starts tappin', my fingers are snappin' and I'm chop, chop, choppin' to the beat. Next thing I know, everything is plated and it's time to sit down and eat.

While looking for some Thanksgiving music suggestions today, I ran across this handy playlist on Pinterest. Not only does it have a section for while in the kitchen, it also has a section for at the table. Cool!

Although this playlist has a wide variety of selections, there are two songs in particular that didn't make the list that are absolute Thanksgiving favorites of mine --Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving Song and Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant which I have posted below.  

What are you favorite music selections for Thanksgiving? I'd love to get your input for my official playlist. In the meantime, I'll just keep calm and sing along!

Caption This! No. 43 - And The Winner Is.....

Hello everyone and welcome back to Me-Me's Playhouse and thank you all for playing Caption This! This week's photo was an awkward family of sisters posing with their favorite things. The family pets, I get that, but the ventriloquist doll....weird. 

There are a few standout captions I'd like to give a most-honorable mention.....

Agent 45, Timothy Hecht, was stylin' with his caption. - "Dad always had the best hair of everyone in the whole family."

Shawn - "Perhaps they were all in denial, but no one wanted to admit what the all knew to be true. Woody was adopted."

Reforming Geek certainly has an eye for photography - "Ok, everyone, big smiles and don't blink.! Ok, Victor, very funny."

Caption master, Dufus, took this photo to a whole nother level - "You'd be bug-eyed too if someone was always sticking their hand up your ass."

The winner this week is a long-time blogger, author and frequent player here in the playhouse...Mike over at The Wizardry of Otin. If you have never visited The Wizard, please stop by his place and say, "howdy". Congratulations, Mike, you take home the coveted Golden Phallus!

"Pinocchio stars in his first porn film -- Big Hair Gives Me Wood" 

Thanks again for playing and I hope to see you all here again next week! Have a great weekend everyone! Peace out.

Family Feud: The Voice

It's official, my sister has lost her ever lovin', pea pickin' mind! Yes, I said pea pickin', it's a Southern endearment. Usually, when our loved ones reach this level of crazy is when we give them a cocktail and parade them out onto the front porch for all to see. This is exactly where you will find my sister today, kickin' it on the porch sippin' her mint julep. 

Shortly after this past Tuesday's elimination show of The Voice, my sister, Joy, sent me a text about the show.

Joy: You watch The Voice?

Me: Yes, not tonight though, who was sent home?

Joy:  Josh and Johnny! I was pulling for Josh....even signed up with Twitter so I could send in a "save" vote. I'm sad....so now I will pull for Will.

Bless her heart, she even got herself a Twitter account to save her guy.

Me:  Oh, good, my pick is still in the running!

Me:  I want the Jamaican chick to win.

Joy:  What does she look like?

Me:  Tall, Asian-looking, short hair, Adam's team.

Joy:  She was eliminated last time.

Me:  No, she sang last night. She's a back up singer for Jimmy Cliff.

Joy:  Light or dark complexion?

Me:  She is from Jamaica, is tall, short hair, has the best voice on the whole show. She has a light complexion, an Asian mix. Dresses very nice. Adam's team.

Joy:  I'm confused
Lawdy, I'll say.

Joy:  Ok...yeah, I know the one....thick with lighter skin...the only girl left on his team.
Finally!

Me:  Right, she is a professional singer.

Joy:  Ok....I don't like her. You need to pick someone else.
Wait, what? You want me to do what?

Me:  Nope! My pick is gonna win!!! Not Will the wuss.

Joy:  He is precious and plays instruments! Your woman is unattractive...pick another.
*rolls eyes*

Me:  Wow, I didn't realize you are so superficial.

Joy:  Her face and big legs will not sell albums. The young cute blonde with the different sweet voice will be the one to win.

Me:  Tell that to Aretha Franklin.

Joy:  Motown had only a few to choose from back then.
What are you saying, are you crazy?

Me:  Shut the fuck up!

Joy:  It's a tough market out there now a days.
Now, she's a record promoter, egads.

Me:  Competing with GaGa, Katie Perry and Miley....yeah, real tough.

Joy:  Bwahahahahahaha! U shut the fuck up, chicken butt!

At that point, I had had enough texting back in forth for one night, so we signed off. Whew!

Now, all I am asking you to do is to just take a quick listen to Joy's pick, Will Champlin and then to mine, Tessanne Chin.  You decide, are you Team Joy or Team Me-Me?

Thank you for your cooperation!

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 43

Welcome to the Playhouse.....

It's time for Caption This! Enter your caption(s) in the comments below. The winner will be announced on Saturday and will receive The Golden Phallus.

When you are done here, please head on over to Dufus' place for a chance to win Hangin' with Dufus.

Pinterest: Paradise or Hell?

During my sabbatical, I discovered many new things on the internet to occupy my time. Things which didn't take much of a commitment, things that did require gifting, helping or acquiring elements in order to conquer a challenge and things which required little or no social interaction so I could continue to perfect my life as a hermit. One of those things led me to electronic hoarding. Yes, I discovered the wonderful world of Pinterest and, now, I am a pinaholic! 

What a magical place. It's quite beautiful there and very peaceful. Pinterest takes you to faraway lands where you can experience their colorful cultures and breathtaking landscapes. I have many many homes which are perfectly decorated and full of art by the masters. Then there is the garage which holds the most expensive cars, the fastest motorcycles and every kind of boat imaginable. Not to mention my closet rivals no one, every piece is custom selected for me. Yes, life is fabulous in the land of Pinterest.

To be honest, it's not really all sunshine, rose gardens and gingham curtains. Like the recipes that will never see the light of my kitchen and DIY and craft projects that will never get past a materials list. There have been many of these recipes and projects attempted by other pinners which have ended in a big fat FAIL. Here's a sample of those who have ventured where I dare not go....Pinterest Hell!

To see more of these failed attempts go to Craft Fail!

Since returning to blogging, I have created a Pinterest Board called Blog About to promote my blog as well as others.  Please leave a link to your latest post in the comments today and I will pin it for my 6200+ followers to see and hopefully they will stop by for a visit.

By the way, to take a look at my Pinterest account or to follow me, just click the red P on the left sidebar. You, too, could become addicted!

Caption This No. 42 - And the Winner Is.....

So sorry for the delay in posting the winner of Caption This!, but I have been under the weather with a head and chest cold which has had me feeling pretty poorly. However, after a double-round of Nyquil and copious amounts of Ibuprofen, I am feeling much better.

Before we get to the winner, I must give credit to a couple of most-honorable mentions for their fine entries.

Indigo Roth may have found his match with his caption, "After several years of the single life, Roth finally lands a date with not just ONE beautiful woman, but TWINS! Things are looking up!"

Chelle Blogger also stopped by and left this caption, "Hugh Hefner is so old he doesn't even notice if his live-in girlfriends have penises anymore."

This week's winner is no stranger to captioning, in fact, he runs his own caption contest each week. So, be sure to stop by his place on Wednesday to play Pause, Ponder and Pun. Stand up and take a bow Dufus, you are this week's recipient of The Golden Phallus! Congratulations!

"Damn, Sam, you really should have called me this morning to tell me what you were

wearing to the Gay Pride Parade today. Now I'm so embarrassed, you silly you."

Thank you all for playing and I really hope to see you again on Wednesday for another edition of Caption This! Have a great week everyone!

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 42

Hey there, hi there, ho there

We're as happy as can be

Step right up

And try your luck

Caption This!

Pic for me

You many enter as often as you like. Check back on Saturday to learn who takes home The Golden Phallus.

Tell your friends, call the neighbors and alert the media...the more the merrier! 

Also, be sure to stop by Dufus' place today for another edition of Pause, Ponder & Pun.

Man's Best Friend - Oh, The Shame!

Years ago when dog apparel first became popular, I was surprised by the number of companies who offered online catalogs of all kinds of doggie ensembles for all kinds of occasions. And, of course, the pet specialty and big box stores also had racks and racks of clothing for any type and size dog. 

I really never considered buying clothing for my dog. Just wrestling my 135 pound Akita into a cammo hoodie or an evening jacket complete with bow tie would have probably qualified us as winners of American's Funniest Home Videos.

The thing that really got me the most was the indignant look on most of the models' faces...like the one pictured here in a Superman costume. Look at his face! He's sitting there so obedient and hating every minute of it. He doesn't care how many rewards he'll receive, he just wants out of that thing.


Honestly, I would laugh and laugh and laugh so much that perusing these websites became a favorite pastime. Yeah, doggie porn, I guess.  I found these pooches' attitudes in their designer outfits absolutely hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I have seen many cute little dogs who were freshly groomed and dressed to the nines --they looked darling. But, truth be told, they'd rather be rolling around in the dirt trying to get out of that fru-fru outfit and pick up some odors that are far more disgusting. Let's face it, they are ashamed to be seen around the dog park looking like a model from Dogue.

Now, my attention has shifted somewhat. My latest fascination is with dog shaming. If you are a dog owner, you understand how dogs can be rather destructive. One day I came home and discovered my 6 month old Chi-mix had escaped from her puppy playpen and had made an igloo for herself in one of the arms of the sofa. I paused, called out her name, then she wiggle out with her tail wagging. What do you do? Well, all you can do is clean up the mess and throw a blanket over the hole with hopes no one will notice. And, you might consider getting an escape proof kennel.

I'm sure some of you have seen the website, Dog Shaming. Dog owners send photos of their best friends announcing to the world their pet's latest indiscretion usually by wearing a sign. Kind of like that kid who recently was forced to wear a sign into Walmart for all to see he was a liar. As a dog owner, I can totally relate to most of these circumstances and the frustrations and this may be an option for me in the future. So, without further ado, I have chosen a few of my favorites from the website to share with you today.

I broke 2 ceramic bowls, 1 ceramic plate.

I ate 1 fleece jacket, 1 raincoat, 1 Playstation controller, countless rolls of Charmin,

1 pair of headphones, 1 iPhone cover, tube of chapstick , 1 rug,  2 dog beds, 1 sneaker,

part of a laptop, 2 pairs of prescription eyeglasses, & 2 pairs reading glasses.

Plus, I left a log on the steps and my dad fell and broke his foot!

His buddy says, "I watched."

 I eat crayons and poop rainbows.

 Luki: I scared mommy thinking I would get lost & made her 

chase me through the woods while I chased the deer.

I am a deer chasing jerk.

Pepper: I was good and came when called!!

I tried to hump the vacuum and I broke it.

(I'm not sorry.)

I ate the couch.

I eat poop out of diapers.

I am disgusting.

If you get the chance, pop on over to Dog Shaming for more laughs.

Dona Nobis Pacem - Imagine

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us 

And the world will be as one.

John Lennon, 1940-1980

Caption This! No. 41 - And, The Winner Is.....

Well, here we are again, it's time to announce this week's winner of Caption This! Before we get to that, I would take this opportunity to thank you all for playing. I really appreciate each and every entry.

I would like to acknowledge a couple of most-honorable mentions.....

laughingmom over at Where's the Funny Here? said, "Everyone playing poker hopes that the mask is the LAST thing that Griselda removes."

nonamedufus had a clever entry, "Hannibal Lecter's wife, Annibelle, passes the time playing poker while awaiting her husband's release from prison. Little known fact: Annibelle invented what's come to be known as the 'poker face'."

This week's winner is none other than that beautiful and crazy woman who pulls us Humor Bloggers together, Chelle Blogger! What a week she is having, it's also her birthday! You can find Chelle at one of her two blogs, The Offended Blogger or Scattered Among the Leaves. Congratulations, Chelle, you take home the coveted Golden Phallus!

"Marge decided to wear the latest invention engineered 

to guard off drunken opponents who insisted that the 

term'poker face' actually meant 'poker her face'."

Thanks again for playing and I hope to see you all next Wednesday for another edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!

Dia De Los Muertos

Humor Bloggers Dot Com Halloween Spooktacular

Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead is a popular holiday celebrated the day after Halloween throughout Mexico and in other parts of the world. This day is for remembering the friends and family members who have passed on to the spirit world. 

Here in the desert southwest, with a history rich in the Mexican heritage, it's not surprising there are lots of fun festivals, art exhibits and music events celebrating this special holiday over the next two days. I am looking forward to attending a couple of events myself.

I have found a wonderful short film which happens to be the 2013 Student Academy Award Gold Medal winner in CGI animation. Beautifully animated, it is a heartfelt story about a little girl who visits the land of the dead and learns the true meaning of this special day.  It truly captures the essence of  Dia de los Muertos perfectly. Enjoy!

Reminder: you have until midnight tonight to enter Caption This!

Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! No. 41

Humor Bloggers Dot Com Halloween Spooktacular

Yipeee, tomorrow is Halloween! Spooks, ghouls, super heroes and a princess or two will line the streets in search of tasty treats or brains, if they happen to be zombies. For this special edition of Caption This!, I have chosen a photo in honor of All Hallows Eve.

Caption This! photo in the comment section below, you may enter as often as you like --contest ends Friday at midnight. Then return here on Saturday when the winner will be announced. The winner, of course, takes home the lovely Golden Phallus.  Good luck and happy captioning!

Once you are done here, please stop by Dufus' and Chelle's places for more captioning fun! 

I hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween.

Enforceable: Weird Laws From Around The States

I was talking with a friend over the weekend who kept bringing up weird laws which are still on the books and are enforceable. Huh, do what now?  I would laugh and just figured he was pulling my leg, that is, until I started looking them up. So, I spent the better part of Sunday researching and compiling a list just so I could share them with you. You know, just in case you live in or might happen to visit one of these states. 

As I confirmed these weird laws, I kept thinking of Barney Fife approaching the offenders as he stuttered, stumbled and fumbled for his one and only bullet, "This calls for action and now, you've got to nip it in the bud."

Arkansas

• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. (Seems legit, most alligators wouldn't fit in a bathtub.)
• Dogs can not bark after 6 PM. (Gag order on pooches, ridiculous!)
• The Arkansas River may rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. (Question is, who do they arrest in the event of a flood?)

Missouri

• You need a permit to shave while driving. (Bwahahahaha, seriously?)
• It is illegal to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (Sounds as if someone may have seen a few too many pink elephants.)
• It is not illegal to speed. (Not while shaving, I betcha.)

Arizona

• Hunting camels is prohibited. (I have lived here 20+ years, never seen a camel.)
• Donkeys can not sleep in bathtubs. (What is it with animals in bathtubs?)
• It is illegal to refuse anyone a glass of water. (With the extreme heat we experience, that's actually a good law.)

Utah

• It is considered an offense to hunt whales. (Huh, whales in Utah?)
• You can not walk down the street carrying a violin in a paper bag. (Well, fiddle!)
• No sex in the back of an ambulance while it is on an emergency call. (Bright lights and loud sirens --yeah, that's a mood killer. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing.)

Tennessee

• Panhandlers must obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets. (I kid you not!)
• You can not shoot any game from a vehicle window with the exception of whales. (What's the dealio? More laws for whale hunting in landlocked areas? )
• You may not use a lasso to catch a fish. (Well, there goes my vacation plans.)

This is just the short list, I will be back real soon with more weird laws from around the states.  And, be sure to come back tomorrow for the special Halloween edition of Caption This!

Halloween Costumes Part II: Ninja

Humor Bloggers Dot Com Halloween Spooktacular

Kids today have it made when it comes to selecting cool Halloween costumes.  There are so many to choose from --Star Wars characters, super heroes, Lego people and realistic monsters and freaks of all types. 

If I were going door-to-door trick or treating, I would choose to be a ninja. Ninjas are brave martial arts masters and possess strategic knowledge which is way superior to anyone else walking the planet. They are in perpetual stealth mode which allows them to make their strikes totally undetected.  

Ninja assassin fashion is your basic black garb which portrays that sense of invisibility. Plus, they have the coolest accessories like stars, claws, swords and smoke bombs.  Unfortunately, ninja warriors have been over-commercialized and the prepackaged costumes have strayed far from the traditional ninja uniform.  

Below is an interesting critique from a real ninja of a kid's ninja costume which can be purchased online or from a big box store.   

*knock, knock, knock* 

"Trick or Treat!"

You didn't see me did you?

I am a ninja!

Caption This! No. 40 - And, The Winner Is.....

Wow, you all did an awesome job with this week's photo...not that I'm at all surprised. Before we get to the announcement of this week's winner, I must recognize the most-honorable mentions:

laughingmom over at "Where's the Funny Here?"- "Toddler's and Tiara's: the unaired footage."

Chelle, The Offended Blogger said, "The Apocalypse came, but went almost completely unnoticed because the four horsemen arrived ahead of schedule, sans horses.. or pants."

Lauren at Think Spin writes, "After waiting several hours for someone to take their order, the four Junior Sumo Wrestling Champions realized they had wandered into the wrong Subway."


This week's winner is a non-blogger, but definitely had the punniest caption. Congratulations, JBM, thank you for your winning entry, you take home The Golden Phallus!

"Abandoned at Birth, the Ballitch brothers Itsa, Gotta, Hada and Willya 

continue their search for relief in the tunnels of NYC."

Thank you all for playing! I hope to see you next Wednesday for a special Halloween edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This!

Throwback Thursday: Up Against Wall, Spread 'Em!

No, I'm not an attorney; however, the person that wrote the following article is. Not only may you (or someone you know) benefit from this excellent advice, you may also find this "Best of Craig's List" submission rather amusing.  (Originally published 05/31/2009)

Some Advice From Your Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all. 

Don't forget....you still have time to enter this week's edition of Me-Me's Playhouse: Caption This! Click here to join the fun!